Without needing to justify the act of writing

And then there came a point in the life of my life when I asked myself, what happens when you truly have lost your craft? When it feels like that was the most previous thing you owned or made an identity around that the universe asked you to give away in order for peace to reclaim itself inside your cells? Or something as fancy as that.

I celebrated an anniversary yesterday. Seven years of the prodigal daughter returning to Anglo-Saxon ground in order to conquer and heal an entire planet. In layman's terms, I returned to the UK with full intentions of qualifying as a counsellor and something else random. What was not on the original flight plan was the entire "waking up and becoming divine" section.

No one was notified of this anniversary. I felt had I mentioned it to anyone, I would not be able to maintain their questions online (as, currently, there is no one to maintain a gaze with. Yet another sentence I write and wish I was back in the 90s with those enormous Mac computers and hideous green computer screens. As a generation, we grew up way to fast - now we all are facing the facts about chem trails, thousands of dead salmon washing up on the shores of Southern Chile and false flag media stories.).

It is truly unsafe now for anyone of my generation to indulge in nostalgia or nostalgic stories of the past. They were all mental constructs. Our DNA was a lot denser then than it is now, therefore life didn't feel as heavy - but that never means it wasn't that heavy.

I can't seen any justification for me to continue to believe something about the Soul Plan Contracts, about my solely being a writer. What can a writer do but write?

This planet needs real action. Energies removed and energies revived.

Someone was having a clear out yesterday (I was helping with the clearing out) and gifted me a sizeable pile of unused writing paper, including two legal pads.

My writing had a different tone to it when in medium yellow background. I just wrote and wrote, without the fear and the constriction I have been feeling for a very long time.

Yet writing can only do so much and I have now realised that my soul signed up for more active role in soothing this planet.

Opinion is free, but let's not make it cheap.

You learn to read and write and somehow feel that society and human civilization will evolve even further. Yet something in me refuses to go to that next stage when my young child in Syria has just been gassed with some awful unknown chemicals. How can anyone not see?

The relatively superficial talk and discussions I have overheard or taken part in over the last few years are now beginning to come back up at the back of my throat.

Every day I waste looking for another cupboard cut-out job, meant for the candidate to fit the job and smooth over the rough, unique, human, divine edges of their being when necessary, is another day a child starves, an animal is killed for meat, people are beaten up in India BECAUSE an animal is killed for meat, and the insane policies are continues and everything that was originally designed to benefit humanity, including this very computer I am typing at, has now all turned against us because we are empowering ourselves.

Every time I sense a hit of my own power back, either I or something external does all it can to destroy it.

You can't really talk about this things yet in large circles to people who would understand. Understanding, we all have, I stand corrected. But the depths of the concern for this planet is increasing every day. I can't sleep well, I can't relax enough 

There is a divine reason why my blog is seriously under the radar and I don't really invest enough time or energy into it.

I do have a remaining trace of seemingly real fear of the consequences of speaking up to boldly and too loudly.

And secondly, actions are what this bleeding and totally molested planet needs.

I can write many poems or angry posts, but nothing I write will stop the Fukushima nuclear really affecting us. The children, the poor, the.... at times like these, I really must learn to breathe deeply.

It's worse than the worse horror flick. It's REAL. So in relief, in harsh relief, all the superficial advertisements that encourage us to consume, or celebrate National Hat Day (seriously, have we devolved to this - a National Day for things to somehow regulate our emotions and obedience levels - to ascertain citizenship, which - how many times does this need to be repeated - is an entirely human man-made construct that means jack all. I've had British citizenship all my life and am still being regularly screwed over by our darling insane politicos. They have some emotional or mental health issues - no regular person would ever pass laws and regulations that they have to harm the entire population of humans and chop us at our knees so we have to fight so much harder to get to highest potential levels. It should never have been this challenging to get to where you wish to in 2017 - and that child pedophilia and sex trafficking is really happening and not a top priority - a flipping trident nuclear war system has priority over everything sane and humane. And this why I can't keep genuine hundred per cent respect for people who are in charge of charities yet grovel towards the establishment - something is amiss when you do that.

Dignity of the human soul and divine spark is paramount in our lives and it is TIME we woke up to that simple truth.).

When I started waking up 7 years ago, I was full of zeal because it was new and I assumed it also promised me a breakthrough that I needed and didn't get when I had gone on spiritual pilgrimage to Iran in 2007.

In 2017, the illusion that 2012 or 2016 would bring relief is gone. It won't happen in my lifetime.

I am unsure how a planet would sustain itself having being so severely raped, poisoned and disrespected.

When we look at it from the slightly pessimistic lens I have been seeing things, it seems fair to say I believe in an overarching being who is omnipotent and therefore has powers to click re-set or destroy and rebirth.

There are now perhaps too many voices and egos grappling for various resources that may actually turn out to be finite. Miracles abound but if the human race still insists on being in grunt mode (grunt mode being not waking up and living life in a two-dimensional egoic state, just as a five year old would behave perpetually), I honestly don't understand how Gaia can continue to take all the beating and still feel dignified.

Of course, that is why I am here and why a lot of us are here and went through a lot of stuff in order to wake up. being woke is not pleasant. I told my father that a day ago when I showed him the chem trails and he began mocking me with his laughter that sometimes sounds terrifyingly canned.

I promise you, none of us will ever get so bored that we invent lies and conspiracy theories to keep ourselves entertained. Most of us still wish that the planet just contained light and fluffy cotton candy. Chem trails? I'd never be able to dream of that stuff in a million years. Yet, someone did. I have had some thoughts that I probably picked from the collective unconscious and those are better dissolved. Not pleasant. Not even not acted upon in history.

Some days, I wish I was still unawake. I might relax and not have the quite constant panic episodes on the London underground. They kick up worse when unsettled people clamber onto the tube with all their content and expect me to sort it out energetically.

I have just gotten fed up of that and leave my seat and many times the train carriage and have waited for the next train.

It is also deeply disheartening to think that after seven years of promises and eloquently written articles about critical mass and first wave and second wave people, we still have so many people who are unawake.

I still don't meet people in my daily life to whom I can speak to, people who would become my allies and my vision community.

All the light workers I know are going through immense personal issues, not very pleasant and seem to enjoy being lone rangers or led like sheep by those flashy gurus who give you wrist bands to wear as yet another sign of branding.

So, for now, writing will need to be not as important as waking up and taking action.

Our waters are being polluted. Does that not make you feel sad? People at Standing Rock were entirely humiliated for wanting clean drinking water. Do we not see what's happening?

Water.

Our food is being poisoned and manipulated beyond belief? Does that not make you question? The honey bee is going to become extinct. They are dying. How is this even happening?

Vulnerable people are being told they can't have tax money for food and medicines, yet Amazon and Costa Coffee and all the big companies DO NOT PAY TAXES in the UK and ARE STILL being REWARDED for that? Does that not even make you flinch?

HSBC. Enough said.

Animals are being maimed, tortured, killed for meat and fur, for being a boy if it is a baby chick.... since when did we forget that animals are a part of us, a part of our souls?

The UK still has a redundant monarchy that perpetuates itself by painting itself as fluffy and benign. Why do we not see what's going on? I hope Diana Spencer and Modi al Fayed didn't both get assassinated in vain.

We do not need all of the flashy stuff, not when my brother is dying in Somalia in a famine and the only one with a heart is a basketball player who is being humiliated for being true and down to earth. But you see, at the end of the day, he is the one flying 50 tonnes of food to Somalia.

A friend of mine asked me recently how is it that all the New Age articles and books seem to still focus on the fluffy stuff, not talk about what real spiritual journeys are about? They are dark beyond belief and calling it a dark night of the soul doesn't put meat onto things.

She and I came up with the theory that the authors a) haven't really gone through the darkness like we are going through b) they have gone through it but either wanted to forget about it or didn't know how to help others through it so remained silent and c) are heavily guided and edited by publishing companies, including Watkins. There's also this inherent obsession with keeping positive and not manifesting crap through thoughts and words.

She also feels that because there are many younger souls waking up, the authors and teachers don't want to scare them off by telling them all the dark stuff is real and that every soul that dies before it's biological death will have to taste the darkness of the Shadow! I agree. It's intense and makes you question your entire reasons for being.

But today, whether it was due to the yellow legal pads or my having shamanic cord removals last week, I wrote and I wrote.

Without needing to justify the act of writing.

And I yearn for the day I can just be the writer and everyone is sorted. Not having to justify my yearning for putting magical words to paper and seeing them ignite a soul in a way I had not anticipated.

But, not now.

Now, we are activists and we bloody act in the name of what is decent and honourable. We stick it out. We get the strength from wherever we possibly can.

For they underestimate the human spirit. Or rather, the divine that resides within each of us.

We all have free will and most of us will choose to continue being asleep and never waking up. There are myriad reasons for why a soul would choose that actively on a daily basis. One of the simple truths is that becoming awake ain't for sissies. And so the younger souls are buffered with delicate veils of illusions to play around in until such a time when they are strong enough to bear different planes of reality.

I know I am one of them and have 
         accepted this 

as it brings me towards humility and 

               whilst prostrating 
                                     at the dust of my Beloved's feet, 
                                                                             I find great heights

I'm Not That Kind of Lightworker | Curated Post

I’m Not That Kind of Lightworker 

 

https://www.lovehaswon.org/love-blogs/im-not-that-kind-of-lightworker

April 02, 2017

By Victoria1111, 04/02/2017

Earlier today, as I stepped outside to enjoy a very rare treat of warm sunshine, I noticed the chemtrail thugs were at it again.

“You fuckers,” I mumbled.

Then I heard the words of others throughout my life, including some in the Ascension community:  “Language, Victoria.  Watch your language.”

Then I remembered the movie “Michael” with John Travolta, 1996.  He’s at the breakfast table, shoveling large piles of sugar-coated cereal in his mouth.  The newspaper people are asking him questions about his unusual behavior.  For an angel, shouldn’t he be clean.  Shouldn’t he have a halo. Shouldn’t we be hearing beautiful harp music around him.

Michael leans in, smiles and says, “I’m not that kind of angel.”

Well, I am not that kind of Lightworker either.

At least not all the time.

 

I am the type to stir the pot of Truth with a beautiful chalice, pulling out all the dirt I can find, then pointing it out to people while saying “Look at that crap! Do you see it?  Let’s get to work cleaning it up!”

I have a deep abiding Sense of Purpose to Help.  To help uncover Truth. To help share that Truth.  And to help ensure none of us are ever victimized again by those who have shielded us from the Truth.

Yes, there are different types of Lightworkers.  I am one part fairy/angel of soft gentleness combined with one part kick-butt Rogue Warrior. Always coupled with a massive wall of compassion and humbleness.

Well, most always.

So when I see others who call themselves a Lightworker claim there is really only one real type, I say nonsense.

We come in a variety of packages.

All with the same purpose.

To spread Source Love.

To speak Truth.

Sometimes gentleness is called for.

Other times the Warrior needs to come in and clean house.

For you see, Love In Action looks different in all situations, especially in the world known as the Matrix.

For to break down such a system requires ALL types and beautiful varieties of Lightworkers.

Those who put sugar on their cereal.

And those who don’t.

The different fabrics of souls (1)

Stunning mosaic art work

I met someone new over the weekend. I already knew he was happily married with two children before we even met in the flesh, so this time I fortunately didn't get my hopes up. We didn't interact much during the full day workshop we were participating at, mainly because it was more task based and taking in information than that of interaction. At lunch, we were at different tables.

I found it easier to be in this group setting yet I still had a panic attack in the morning and had to do some deep breathing and hold onto a crystal for the morning session.

It has been a challenging week.

He was gracious enough to drop me half way home, to the nearest TfL Underground station that didn't mean him going out of his way. Very logical. Had to go back home to his kids.

Again, on my pilgrimage to Iraq earlier this month, I had asked for my genuine and real soul family to come up so I can begin making new and hopefully longer lasting connections. No karma, no drama.

So the first guy I'm sent along is a surprise, since I have been hiding and in hibernation for months now, after having been repeatedly hurt by male members of the human species. I seem to have been attracting the really sensitive ones who have been hurt so badly, they have barbed wires around their hearts and minds and have punctured me so much whilst all I tried to do was heal their hearts.

A hard lesson learned.

He is someone who again I didn't even bother to exchange contact details with or even ask what his last name was, because of the very old paradigm of me connecting so quickly and comfortably with a Muslim man who is married.

We felt like old friends from the start. I did fall into an old pattern of sounding somewhat superficial and involved with the mundane realities of life, only because I suppose I had to speak in a language he would understand. It felt so good to just be my daft self, not even knowing how connect to the Bluetooth of his BMW and not being able to help charge his phone properly.

We drove in silence for a while (he couldn't take too much quiet for reasons unknown) as the sun was setting and as we passed lush green fields and beautiful trees, I realised this is what a normal romantic relationship would feel like. It made me sad that, in 33 years, I am yet to experience such simple pleasures of life.

And yet the acceptance of my current life and all of the past heavy karmic involvements with others washed through me. "My next life-time will be better, inshallah" is my new appeasing phrase to myself.

We were driving past Hyde Park when he complained about his frustration with the Muslim community doing the defunct thing every Thursday of going to the mosque and wasting X amount of hours in a year over nothing.

"We should do something more social, why doesn't anyone do something more casual?"

I replied: Well, there are people who are doing a lot of stuff, but they are the ones who have been excommunicated from the community!" And then I continued, "Look, you have to understand that there are different soul ages and levels. From my perspective, 80% of people who are currently Muslim are like that because if they WEREN'T Muslim, and weren't under some rules and regulations, they would cause such chaos in the world. I am one such person, if I hadn't had a grounding, I'd have been even more lost than I am now."

He nodded his head in assent.

"There are many people who are infant souls. Now someone who is kindergarten and reached Year five is doing quite well for himself. You can't expect that person to become a PhD. You have to understand this. And as for those of us (such as you and I) who are going beyond that and seeking more, well, that's because... um (at that point, I was so exhausted, my words were failing me and couldn't come out as poetic and meaningful as I would have liked) .. the fabric of our souls is different."

Yes, he felt like soul family. I haven't felt this comfortable with anyone in such a long time, at least since my colleague from the job I left a year ago. The same colleague who was such a source of support to me for two years has now decided to ignore me entirely.

And this is why I no longer can rely on anyone. Because they will always fail you.

Hadhrat Abbas (a.s.) shrine at Dhuhr prayer

I had gone to Iraq to pray for myself, pray for Iraq, pray for the dire way the UK is going, pray for every animal and every soul. Pray, pray, pray for my entire life to shift and change. For me to just be free from all that is holding me back.

I may need to write a separate post on my journey there. It deserves such respect.

For now, I can say I felt such immense peace at the shrines in Najaf, Karbala and Kadhmain. The energy shimmered. I didn't feel the loss of family or lovers or friends.

It felt as though my real divine mother had taken me up and was cradling me in her arms. This was specifically at the shrine of Abu Fadhl Abbas ibn Ali. Such peace, such belonging. I cried almost every time. My heart hurt. I couldn't recite anything, I would just look at the children playing and pray for their safety and well being and look at the sparrows flitting about the shrine, making thier place there.

It felt so good being there. Two weeks in a place without any chem trails. I could breathe. Although I really dislike wearing the black chador, at least I blended in and no one stared at me as  they do in London. I had very few, if any, people sticking to my butt as well.

I came back to London and I miss it. But I could not live in Iraq. Not right now. Maybe when there is peace in that land, I may try to live in Baghdad or any place where I don't need to cover from head to toe.

The orphan children and their smiles.... I would like to experience serving the orphans in a very real and practical way.

Beautiful Iraqi children in Najaf, selling trinkets on the street instead of being in school

I feel more at home there than I do in London or any other place in the West I have visited. London has very dark energies, and most light workers I speak to agree with me on this. They all feel they would be a lot better suited to another place, the countryside or elsewhere. Perhaps we all decided to come here because we were called to cleanse the place.

But for some of us, the pain and drama is not worth awakening an entire city or planet for. It is no longer acceptable to my own soul, I deserve better than the experiences that continue to occur with me in this city. With people feeling so disconnected form themselves and the general chaos in this city, surely I know better than to continue staying here.

I never thought I would go so far as to say I feel imprisoned living in London. I know there might be a city or town somewhere else in the UK whereby my soul could rest and breathe freely. Or somewhere else in the world whereby my footsteps and presence would be loved and cherished.

It is just a matter of asking God to help reveal the next steps and finally remove the obstacles to it all.

If I was to detail the fabric of my own soul, it is of the most delicate and fine material, wispy and loving. Warm shades of pink, mauve, blue, green, splashes of bright yellow and giggles. A deep cat's purr.

(C) Kenji Kumara, all rights reserved

There is a reason why the Qu'erro shared their healing knowledge and wisdom with us "Western" people. We need healing more than ever.

Even though I think I've done the healing, today my shaman told me I have to keep doing the healing.

It is what it is.

May I finally submit to what God wishes for me, instead of going against the divine plan and ending up with nothing all over again.

That burnt out feeling of a tired soul that wants release

Curtained by multiple shadows; curtailed by my own creation

I still have no idea why I am writing or what I am writing.

I feel slightly better today, I'm supposing the geomagnetic storm has gotten over it's worst.

What I am, as a young soul, realising is that my mental intellect has been very good at preventing me from growing as a person. As well as my cultural and family circumstances.

Ii had a conversation with a friend of mine today. Someone who is probably the closest person to me right now, but because of circumstances and also my karmic blueprint, it still isn't what I would call a close friendship. We used to be closer when he and I had more time. But as you grow, you realise that the reasons that brought you together were somewhat fallacious and karma working.

I have noticed he has been extremely distant with me in the last few months, so much so I never know what's going on in his life. He has a busy life that excludes me so I have to make appointments in advance to meet him and end up seeing him now only twice or thrice a year, whereas at the start I managed to meet him a lot more frequently.

So he confided in me things he never ever mentioned to me in the 6 years I have known him. And, usually, I would feel hurt that I tell him everything and he still kept secrets from me.

But I can't afford to feel like that. It is things like this that show you that you may have a tendency to invest so much energy and emotion into relationships and not really be able to attract or bring out that same response from others.

And you accept that the relationships that were so weighty, so priceless to you - have been washed through with your rainbow like imagination, which still believes in winged unicorns and faeries instead of realising that you need new friends who better complement your personality and relating style.

You also realise how easy it is to box someone into a certain mindset you have about life. They tell you something about themselves that runs contrary to everything you knew or assumed about them and you have to shake your brain in order to re-order it into the new paradigm.

But it is better to face all of the multiple shadows of your soul and mind head on rather than deluding yourself.

One person I thought was my support decided I was not right for her and so left off all contact a few months ago. I ought to have really faced my shadow then, but all that happened is I felt so hurt and pained, I had more soul loss as a result of the trauma of losing yet another friend without being able to change how I was perceiving the information and my words and actions. and what makes this a lot worse for my ego is that she is highly spiritual and psychic and so if someone who is spiritually so powerful can't stand being around you, it gives a hint that something is desperately in need of change inside of you.

The only caveat is this internal spiritual change is so freaking messy and ugly and pulls all of your bs out and you can write something that you regret later on, but at the time it was entirely necessary as part of your soul's and human's journey.

The thing is, we all are angels, and we all came from starlight at some point, yet this murky world has bent and shaped us into something other than that. And we forget and the entire quest of existence is to remember and reclaim the lost parts and to reconnect with those ethereal parts of ourselves and those of the ascended masters like Yeshua, Rumi and Shems... and Abdul Qadir Gilani.

Well, not all of us, but I am praying that somehow one day this avenue will truly open for me. It is currently still blocked, due to my current state.

In my counselling sessions, I have realised that I still only have a limited amount of ways to respond to life, like a child. I am the least experienced person I know.

I am the one who had so many aspirations yet somehow resigned myself to the fact that would just remain in fancy, in spirit never to come to earth and be realised.

Maybe that's why I turn to writing. If you think about it, what is writing?

You take unseen ideas, untouchable ideas and sort of make them real by writing them by using a piece of lead on a piece of tree bark.

Yet, at the end of the day, all you have is leaves of paper in a book that has been bound. A lot of intellectual ideas perhaps and dreams and observations - yet you sat down and wrote it all down.

The really talented writers of course have first experienced everything first hand before putting pen to paper. Well, in the case of Ursula Le Guin or JK Rowling, that would be real in the 5th or higher dimensions.

And then they write.

Someone like me needs to retire from writing until she has had enough of real life experience.

As in, experience where things were received and truly enjoyed and experienced. A first kiss, a backpacking gap year, real friendship with real soul family, figuring a way to really shift the tides that the planet is heading into at the moment financially, socially and morally,  moving countries and finally finding a place that really is "home". Meeting Ranbir Kapoor when he's in the UK instead of imagining how he is when I see movie trailers for Ae Dil Hai Mushkil.

You know, regular ****.

Things that come so easily to the vast majority of the population. Somehow, the vast majority of souls actually love themselves and desire a life of ease and progress.

A flowering of sorts.

The shaman said that my core issue was simple, I still hated myself.

And so, you are so powerful as to create the blocks and the avenues for all sorts of sabotages and delusions and illusions.

That you somehow accept the servitude and mental slavery brought upon you by being born in a place like the UK, living in places like Pakistan and Canada but not really living.

We must obey these nonsensical laws and sacrifice ourselves to some abstract ideals of society and even when I questioned them, it was with a very superficial 20 year old at a liberal arts college kind of mentality and perspective.

***

The spiritual hits keep coming. In a way, it's a huge honour that God wants to rip my entire being of any arrogance and shred of human programmes. Whereby nothing makes sense, nothing truly matters and I feel I'm in a perpetual existential crisis.

***

Having said that, God still allows us to move into the light.

I am about to embark upon a life changing trip and return somewhat different. I have been very panicked about it, and had to just remind myself that this is something I have desired for 8 years. Some things just need to be done. Even if they are the worst mistake you've made so far, sometimes the trajectory of life becomes "maktub" and you go along because your spirit wants a good experience that your conscious mind doesn't comprehend.

I remember the first night in Turkey. I got to Konya quite late, around 10:30 pm and became afraid about the taxi cab only to realise it was not at all a huge deal and I was safe. it is funny when you feel safter in an entirely new city where you really don't understand the language as compared to living in the UK, where you have been born and raised.

The old souls have the right idea: this is a free pplanet and they behave as thouh it is also a palnet of generosity and abundance and solutions.

The younger souls, such as myself, still have a long way to go before we truly feel this in out 8 original cells.

Perhaps, until then, none of my writing will ever make full sense to anyone, including myself.

Yet, the good news is that I am no longer pandering to the rules of blogging that I learned so painstakingly last year.

Life and God threw me spanners in the works in the forms of soul loss and entity attachments and really untenable working relationships and conditions until something in me told me I deserve so much more than this bs, and now my perspective is more esoteric all over again.

I am still on this earth, yet I can no longer confine and constrain myself to a superficial level of spirituality that the New Age movement has somewhat diluted. As much as we would like, the shift is not going to happen overnight.

We have centuries of crap to wipe up and transform, so 50 years seems as though it is the blink of an eye in comparison. Which it is, but living it out n this video game is an entirely different kettle of fish.

Even today, whilst speaking to my neighbours, I saw how all of my old patterns rose up and I started repeating the same words and judgements that I assumed I had dealt with.

I am sure there is a way we can invent whereby we just constantly immerse ourselves with our authentic energy and the light codes.

***

If I ever am able to push through this renewed spiritual ignorance and dark night of soul that feels both so singular and alone and lonely and also very connected, I may be guided by God to write about an entirely different level of awareness.

About how the old healing modalities are being phased out to allow for core core healing on a deep and **** stirring level. About how soul retrieval is ESSENTIAL for each of us. About how many people have lost the plot and become gurus WHILST preaching about how each of us is truly our own guru and empowered within. There is a lot of NLP and hypnosis being used with less than scrupulous intentions, and I have experienced it first hand with truly devastating consequences upon my life and experiences.

About how, once you get through the 3D stage into 4D, you may sometimes repeat a circumstance and it actually feels worse than the first time around! And that the key is to see the train wreck and forgive it and know that it too is a blessing somehow.

You can't work in a job that is not right for you, not for very long, it isn't a valid energy exchange.

You have to truly give yourself permission to entirely devastate all the conclusions you made about yourself, others and life... to truly liberate yourself.

And that shamanism is truly a deeply profound healing modality and sometimes it's best to work on yourself in a one to one and learn how to do journeying rather than going to group healings where the facilitators have better successes with people with fewer soul traumas.

***

I have also concluded for now that the person I assumed was my twin flame for seven long, long years - isn't. It is quite devastating news for me on one level, but of course, the shadows and the intricately fabricated lies MUST be destroyed in order for my precious soul to find it's truth and liberation.

A person I never met and who never wishes to meet me, how on earth can that person be the same consciousness as mine?

As I am becoming acutely aware, most humans do not have any issues with relating to one another, to meeting people, mingling and doing all sorts with each other. They feel closeness and connection.

I have stopped feeling connected to him since April last year, but it was this stubborn belief that our souls were intertwined in the fifth dimension that allowed me to hold on to all of the fabrications, again encouraged by some misguided New Age theorists.

I am not saying twin flame as a construct isn't a reality, just that I am yet to meet mine. This person was a karmic soul mate and is probably relieved that I am slowly truly releasing him from the containment of my beliefs and projections.

My soul feels relieved that finally, I am learning that there truly is a big world out there. New Zealand, Iceland, anywhere non European and that there will be many people I will meet who are truly free souls, who will dance to hip hop and Latino music with me on the beach, who will teach me more about the Pleiadies and Orion and Arcturus and Lemuria than even I know.

I also feel that I am not the only one who is now really allowing themselves to be free to discover who they truly are and what that means for their purpose on this planet.

That's why my eyes are opening to all the shadows that have curtained my entire (somewhat miserable) existence on this planet this time around.

The Dark Ages were hard enough for this planet to survive, and this is now a second wave of darkness, only subtly foiled and embellished to make us feel as though we are moving forward. Not quite yet...

As long as there are animals, children, women, cis gender or any other humans being abused, harmed and exploited, whether willingly or unwillingly, we are still replicating Atlantis when it became so rotten that we all fell into a pit.

***

Yet, I can see the signs of unity, little rainbow colour strands of energy shimmering between different objects that I couldn't sense before.

The more you melt and crumble the harsh walls of your own heart, mind, sight.... the more that will reverberate in the hearts, minds and sight of the others.

Because, truly we are the exact same consciousness.

But never imagine that it is going to be pretty. This is planet Earth, we deal with muck and dirt whilst acknowledging the equisite beauty that is also unfolding at the same time.

Exact same time.

Not all of us will learn, most will not in this lifetime. There will be other lifetimes until we are able to accomplish this. But this is the turning point.

I am not sure why or how, but if someone like myself is finally learning her soul lessons.... that means it's shifting.

A part of me sorely wants life to be as innocent as it seemed when I was 19. But we passed that threshold and can never come back.

We are all growing up finally. 
We have to. 
It will get better. 
It is a divine promise.

Delaying my healing has had major consequences

I don't trust myself to write or communicate these days. I cannot even remember when was the last moment I felt inspired to write something that would inform or heal, either myself or another.

I have been made to realise that any excitement I felt last year regarding blogging or growing was just the build up of more illusions to be cracked open.

The last two months have been a real struggle. The interesting thing I find about living this human life is that you can be submerged in a very dark place, and yet it will feel normal and bearable until one day, it isn't any longer.

You can feel so devoid of pleasure in the small things in life, or in yourself or in the work that you are doing - and that feels like the norm. Why? Because you look at the devastation being wreaked world over and therefore in your own life and see that as the only way things are meant to be for very long.

There is a lot happening on this planet right now that is something we are being forced to experience and to witness, just as though the Universe hired someone to perversely smack a wet smelly fish in your face every day.

I used to be proud of being "English", "British", "Western" because of the way they programme you to differentiate yourself from another and then somehow either feel inferior or superior as a result.

I am looking at the systemic raping of the UK by people who are insane and entirely disconnected from their true divine souls. The people on TV have no light emanating from their eyes.

I wish to ignore them in order to remain sane, and then I hear about another ridiculous piece of legislation being passed so that people effectively are murdered in Calais and Germany due to the freezing conditions, whilst those bloody Canary Wharf apartments are still empty.

But to follow every single minutae of the 3D conscious fighting like a dying pig to stay alive, is to ensure that I will undo any good work I have done in my own life.

The two eclipses have happened and apparently, these ones will allow us to heal whcih means facing the shadow.

What are my shadows? A lot of self harm. Loads. Ensuring that I don't experience joy and that I experience much delay in my life towards beauty and grace.

I cannot answer why this is the case. It is not as though I did not try.

I went for a shamanic soul retrieval with someone in 2015 and a past life regression in 2016. On hindsight, I really ought to have done a second soul retrieval instead of being bogged down with the mystique of finding out past life trauma. Because niether of those actually helped me in reality. In spite of the integrity of the women who did the ceremonies.

What I had forgotten to ask was whatever is the crux of the matter, let that come to light and be healed.

So any of the healings I went to never really addressed what the core was.

And, frankly, that has angered me to such a degree. At first, I was going to complain that I went to the wrong people. But, it turns out, it was my subconscious that ensured I was in 7 years of what I can only describe is hell.

Not wanting to be on the planet and wanting to leave, but not being able to. Living a half existene with almost zero energy.

So I was told I had major soul fragmentation. And this was all the way in December and I STILL delayed my healing until last week.

Another shaman, another one-to-one healing. This guy was the real deal and had been highly recommended as a top class entity remover.

Yes, I will be mentioning the fact that I have been plagued by entities sucking my divine light for a long time. It is not uncommon and the more it is normalised, the less people such as myself will delay their removal.

We had a good chat, I felt comfortable telling him and he said, we don't have to choose which to do first - we'll do both.

I lay down and was beaten by reeds and rattles and some beautifully scented rose water thrown upon me.

The thing about shamanic journeying is that somehow I have never gotten any visuals at all for what is going on energetically.

And now apparently, I am free. They were sucking my energy dry and it is testament to how storng I am that i was still sort of functioning in spite of all of that.

The soul loss has been substantial. From ages 4 - 24, I lost even more of myself every two years.

Due to my self hatred and fear of accepting my power.

I have been in a weird state for the last week and since somethings seem to be shifting yet for the most part nothing has, I doubt if I allowed myself to be healed.

I have noticed certain changes in myself: I am not feeling so weighted in the head or shoulders any longer. I am able to remain more stable emotionally and see things more rationally, as well as with love.


Then the eclipse began triggering the shadows like anything.

That it took me by surprise.

This is why I say I can't trust myself to write these days.

In the past, I have been eloquent but always wrote in a heavy, depressed, negative style. So I'd have people I'd consider to be Pollyannas telling me that I need to delete my old social network posts or to stop judgement and criticism.

And it used to really anger me that my work and state wasn't accepted for what it was.

And now, I just have nothing to write.

Anything I write for the short term is just me expressing that which seems so forbidden to express.

Grief, anger, rage, confusion...

I can't trust my reality any longer.

The man I was addicted to like cocaine, I don't feel any love in my heart for him any more. It is worrying to actually dislike him and feel very indifferent. I suppose this is a phase I must go through and take my love to causes that would receive it.

It took me 20 days to reply to his message, when all he is doing is being polite and replying to my initial message. It feels as though my soul has become so bored and weary of the unavoidable karma I'm living through, it can't be bothered to go through the motions.

If it is an illusion and a lie, make that clear and then I move on. We were all born to be truly liberated from all of the dirt and muck. So how long before it actually just shifts?

In another post, I hope to be able to string a post together to emphasise how important it is to begin your healing NOW.

If there's any wisdom to be taken from my experience, it is to face the crap head on and get the shamanic soul retrieval instead of doing superficial healings or self development, being led astray by healers who are confused and sought to confuse you...

Please don't delay your soul healings, your soul retrievals.

Make 2017 the year you stop suffering at a soul level.

Because, believe it or not, once you allow yourself to do the weird shamanic stuff, you set a precedent for all of us to heal, so we can empower ourselves and ensure that the craziness of the world is transmuted into peace and into something that resembles a planet that is loved and respected.

People are just being ignored and abused, and it is done by people who have soul fragmentation to people with the same.

Find a genuine shaman, Someone who ACTUALLY KNOWS what the heck they are doing. I have had my share of narcissistic healers who painted a beautiful scene and ended up having diluted intentions or motives that were not for the benefit for the client.

Of curse, we can safely say that I only attracted those people into my life in accordance with what I was magnetising. And it was pretty awful and painful and entirely unnecessary, but some of us just don't figure these things out until you go through many near death experiences.

What I am currently experiencing as a result of clearing blocks is dreams which have people from the past either crying or re-enacting the horrible karmic incidents as a way to hopefully exorcise myself from the past for good.

It's not a pretty place being where i have been and where I am in now.

Because I also attract the not so nice faces of others as a result of the negativity still releasing from me.

There have been many misunderstandings and secrets being kept. Betrayals that are so lame that I just shake my head at the people I have to complete karma with.

So it seems that I have to begin from the beginning.

But this time, there is no drama required with the regrets, shame, fear, guilt and all the rest of it.

The heartening thing is that I will hopefully choose a better life plan for my next incarnation. This one seems to be written by a horror story enthusiast.

I am aware that this is writing of many strands and we will just accept this as is, a reflection of reality - of what the awakening or ascension process really is like.

It SUCKS, sometimes.

Unnecessary drama and delusion.

I've lost everyone and everything. I lost myself, repeatedly. Now I see the world mirroring the chaos I have been inside for 15 years. Everything that has the potential for good is being used for nefarious reasons, even as far as internet use is being spied on and Facebook and Google recording everything we say via or smartphones and laptops. Cows and goats being raped and tortured in order to feed our inexhaustable craving for milk and dairy. It's as though we never knew that a cow can only give milk when pregnant, therefore she has to be repeatedly raped in roder to give birth and lactate.

It's as though this simple connection slipped our awareness or we conveniently forgot.

And I feel helpless.

Because until I learn how exactly to bring my power back, I am of no use to the world.

What is really concerning me is that a week after having the soul retrievals and everything, I still feel as physically unwell as before. And my mind doesn't seem to compute very well.

I pray other people journeying towards freedom, empowerment and truth are having a better time of this. I'd be happy to follow that path as well.

Finally, my friend took out a card for me to help me face more of my shadow. I had a furiously inappropriate reaction to seeing a man and woman in love interacting with each other in Senate Hall, at SOAS last week. I thought I had made peace with my aloneness and the loneliness. But they were the gift to show how much it hasn't healed.

Logically, how can anyone even expect to fall in love when the world is in need of some real action? And the fact that I can't even maintain a steady job that I actually love?

But that's what's still unhealed. My frequency is still fluctuating and I feel a lot of pain. There is suffering too, which is always not ideal.

I am sure that once I heal this, it will be easier to heal the other stuff.

There's an unbelievable amount of stuff. And nowhere to run at all.


Blessings x

Miracles happen when you gain perspective

The miracles happen when you gain perspective.

When you're on the precipice of actually finally growing up. Or growing. Or morphing.

The miracle is that your intuition kicks in again for the small stuff. You wonder at God's mercy upon you. You wonder at the bizarre nature of the universe.

You wonder at how peaceful your solitude has become and how helpful some healers are. So kind, so humble, so effective in helping you.

The jaw pain is gone. It wasn't mine, it was a cumulative projection of a very nasty nature that tried to kill me for a very long time. I have been weakened to such a degree, everybody whom I thought loved me has written me off.

I wrote myself off. So much so I don't write any longer, because all avenues were shut.

But the blessing of God putting His light inside of you is your ego, which is the inner child, stops craving things. Craving the fame, the celebrity, the fortune, the people.

I thought it would be difficult being fired. It is a release from a hellish situation that compromised my dignity and my energy fields.

In the past, I always assumed my doors were shut when something like this happened.

But no, my heart has been freed from the chains and the burdens of the life I once was forced to lead.

Comparison, competition, banality.

The light pours forth in every pore and I don't allow people to partake of it any longer. They have their own source, they will connect directly.

That has been my missing link. I assumed I had to give and deprive myself.

No. It was fallacy.

A miracle happened to me a few days ago. I crossed the road and saw a dead pigeon on the road, cars driving over it. I walked away at first, but my heart was so soft, so so soft, it has not felt this soft since I used to care for all of my cats in Pakistan.

My heart didn't fear the London public who sometimes really feel like automatic video game characters. Usually I fear the shame of being different, of caring. Of slowing down, stopping and being a feeling human in the grid, breaking up the matrix a little more.

No, my heart couldn't but be kind to the pigeon. It had already died, but of course the body deserves as much respect as we can give. In the middle of a busy street in Euston.

So I waited until the cars drove away, and stepped onto the road and quickly collected the pigeon in my arms. And walked with it, asking myself where would I keep it? I decided to lay it in a flower bed in one of the gardens encircling the School of Oriental and African Sciences and prayed for it's soul. I stroked its feathers could feel the softness, the care with which the Creator had created this precious bird.

We were one, the body was soft and limp, she or he had recently passed.

I wouldn't have done that before the healings. There's always been this thing stopping me from being kind and courageous in that kindness, just being normally who I am.

I have had a rusted heart, dead and conflicted.

So that is my miracle. A soft heart that allowed me, rather compelled me, to pick up a dead animal and show some respect to Life.

"There is no need for communication at this time as you are finally being freed from the shackles that bind you. The reason your friends give you the incorrect answers is to show you what your truth is, where your values lie. They all are in their own headspin. You have gone through that already. They may not see it, but you always knew. You were first in some things, at least. Maybe. Depends which timeline you're in.

We are here in service. We serve the people we serve. If there was stuff done to you, you created it. But God's names are the cure.

When your heart is filled with this bliss, you stop craving people. You care, but Sukaina has stopped clawing and craving and seeking and having energy transfer.

You can appreciate beauty without wishing to own it or even be it.

The glasses will come off more and your sense of being in a video game will stabilise into what it truly is becoming: neutrality. The only reason they intentionally or (being generous) were not shown your real issues is perhaps you had to experience what it feels like to be screwed over so many times by the people. Maybe you did it to others, which you did.

But also, how on earth do we love ourselves as a pure and successful failure? By being one. By failing in every possible way, yet also succeeding. By being surrounded by people who somehow seem more closed in than they were a few years ago. You are more closed in."

What has happened for us in the last ten years?

Did we achieve the soul's growth at a blessed reasonable pace? Because if we didn't, then I want my normal human life back please.

A Sufi healer performed a healing for me, whispered the holy names of the saints and I broke down into tears because of the realisations and power of the words.

Don't make these things mean anything.

We are an ocean. This life is the jagged rocks in the sea, mixed up with beautiful sand.

Perhaps at some point we all will stabilise. Perhaps we will reignite the human values and dignity for which we were sent here to establish. But right now, humans are dying in the freezing cold because we still can't offer our homes or a system whereby everyone has shelter.

Humans are considered dispensible, because apparently there are too many of us here. That is my question: why are so many.... Oh. That's why.

So many are incarnating in this lifetime because it is the age of Aquarius. It will possibly be that once its done, population will shrink and not as many will incarnate.

There will be less need for this many starseeds on earth.

Wow. Makes sense. I hope I'm given permission to stay away for a while




There is no need for communication verbally because you need the time for peace, for love and truth and communion only with Source, who is also known by the beautiful name of Ar- Rabbi.

There will come a time sweetheart when the karma will balance out. You will find the soul friends who will cuddle your heart in the way you wish you could cuddle theirs.

We all are the ocean.

It is a game and if you are able to comprehend, it takes away the pain of others misunderstanding you. Or themselves or life. Or your own misunderstanding of life.

Because we all go through the cycles. And some days things are clear and other days are not.

The miracle is in how easy it is for me now to let go and forget at the end of the day.

Oh no, repeated a mistake. Oh well, didn't learn.

The gashes are more superficial and shallow.

I am becoming more human.

- Sukaina Juma
14/01/2017

Love brings up anything unlike itself | Curated Post

 Sophie Bashford

"Love brings up anything unlike itself." - ACIM

And so, when the Light comes - however it comes - what you have been avoiding, running from, pushing down, numbing, and denying…surfaces.

When the Light comes, it unearths all your fear.

It starts to work on the barriers you have created to avoid accepting your own power.
It brings up everything you wish to avoid looking at.

The myriad ways you allow your ego to control you. The critical, harsh and judgemental voice that convinces you of your inherent unworthiness, your weakness, your failures, your lack of significant meaning in the world.

What difference could you possibly make? Surely it's too risky to put yourself out there and charge the world up with your unbridled and unguarded love?

When the Light comes, it brings up everything that you are at the deepest core of your Soul-Being.
This is a painful experience for many.

It proves to you instantly that you have been settling for far less than your Soul desires.
You may have been pretending that a life of mediocre purpose, mediocre interaction, mediocre connection, mediocre intimacy - is enough.

Mediocrity is not the vibration that you were born to accept.

You are not here to dumb yourself down and follow the herd.
You are here to champion and re-claim a deeper relationship with life.

You are here to connect Soul to Soul with everyone - not ego to ego.

You are here to remember how to be intimate with soul energy, how to hold the heart of another in your hands with compassion and truth, how to create relationships that deeply heal, nurture and revive the spirit.

When the Light comes, it brings up first all the ways in which you have been dancing on the edge of your truth.

You will have to face yourself.

When the Light penetrates, it will reveal everything that is not true.
Light is Truth.
Light is also Love.

The Love reveals where your Soul has been suffocating. At first, you may feel more suffocated as the pain of how you deny your Soul surfaces.

Your ego or personality may react by vehemently defending it's fearful position, it's dogmatic hold on you, it's need to keep you limited.

You, have let the Light in.

You have handed over your life, even if you don't know it, to a Higher Source of wisdom.
This Light is working through you constantly in ways that you don't always perceive.

One day, everything may fall apart, blow up in your face, or become so unbearable that you eventually confess your heart's truth. It becomes all at once too exhausting and impossible to keep all this moving energy inside. It becomes too toxic to remain drowning in the grip of your fear, and the choices you have made from that place of fear.

The Light is here. It has come to lead you firmly to where you belong.
The Light illuminates the darkness and it also holds the keys to lasting freedom. It is everything that you have always been searching for. It is inside you, and yet you had forgotten. It is here for you, and yet you believed you had lost it forever.

It is all you need, because it is the answer to everything.
You are in the Light today.
Say nothing, unless you are guided by the Light.
Do nothing, unless you are guided by the Light.

Let the Light show you where you are most needed, and what is the highest choice for you.
Let the Light unearth your fears, in order to provide the perfect ways to heal them.
When the Light comes, there is nowhere left for you to remain small, mediocre or powerless.
When the Light comes, the music of your Soul begins to play again, and it is irresistible.

The Light brings up what is often painful to face - all that you have been denying, avoiding, resisting and pushing down - and yet the surfacing of this pain is the greatest signal available that soul-rocking growth is about to occur.

- Sophie Bashford

We shall redeem ourselves, bit by bit

May we all find our way. The super full moon tomorrow night is a very powerful one, dredging up a lot of emotions and old things to be released.

Trust that you are beautiful, loved and connected to the divine at all times.

Forgive yourself for your mistakes, as well as those of others.

There will come a time when we will have peaceful nights and rolling waves. Right now, the water is a bit choppy.

Watch your thinking patterns and ask for the rigid and limiting beliefs to dissolve and for them to be replaced with the best possible beliefs about God, yourself and the way life is.

Take every setback and every miscommunication as a gift from the Divine.

Pray. Pray some more. Make time for silence. Your soul has been craving for connection, yet your reluctance to be enveloped in Divine Love makes you shy away from yourself and your heart.

Your big, beautiful heart that loves so much, it would make 70 mothers weep.

I bid farewell to all the attachments of yore. I bid farewell to the old mangled version of who I am and what I could have been. All the yearning and craving I have done this year for things out of my reach, may I integrate the learnings. May we all integrate.

There is such peace and tranquillity to be had within a soul, within the mind and the heart. There are many words to be spoken, written, drawn, danced out.... Everything has a divine origin. Everyone was created from a divine spark.

I have to leave those of us who can't yet continue onwards on the journey. I made the mistake again of staying behind in order to keep connected.

But we all are always connected.

May I personally be able to prostrate upon the sands of Kerbala soon, when the timing is right. May I also have my Lightbody activations done with the right soul. May I be able to leave behind all that just isn't who I am and create all that I wish to create with love, grace, joy and ease.

"When the awakening comes, as it will to all of God's children, it may come as a ray of hope, a flash of intuition or a life-saving warning. Then shall woman kneel and face the Lord with humility, acceptance and love. To recognise the God within, and be a one and in harmony with that vibration is the goal of all........" 16-7 activation transmission 

Light a candle, light some incense and burn all of it away.

Renew.

We each are reborn and each die every night, to be reborn again.

 There are those whom I love and whose presence and smiles I miss, and that is okay.

We move on to a new assignment, a new place. The deal is sealed here. We are complete, mission is complete. The earth is vast and ever welcoming to those who ask for a new place to call "home".
New grid-points need activating and new soul tribe members to be met.

We shall redeem ourselves, bit by bit.

- Sukaina Juma
12/11/2016

Why Men Withdraw Emotionally : Curated Article

This is a curated article from Elephant Journal. I chose to do this because it really is a beautifully written and very expressive piece of work.

As we may not be aware of, the divine feminine is rising and the divine masculine is decluttering the old patriarchal way of being.

We need to learn to be truly compassionate and caring as all of this unravels. It's hardly ever "pretty".

I will however add my own theory that it is no easier for women to access their emotions than men. Emotional intelligence has nothing to do with sex or gender. Women may have an ancestral, genetic advantage in this department, however I know from my own personal experience that it has been so difficult for me to relate emotionally to people and to myself.

I was always the "cry baby" as a child, and so I stopped my tears and swallowed them all in from a very young age, creating a series of dysfunctional thought patterns, belief and behaviours as a result. Anger is an emotion that few Muslim families, and in my experience East African Asian families, tolerate well in young females, and that is another emotion of mine that has been suppressed and I am working on at the moment.

Emotional intelligence is something that is both learned and also some have an innate capacity to thrive in that area, others do not.

I, for one, know of a few men who are way advanced in their emotional intelligence than I anticipate to be for a while. They may have more of a divine female/sacred masculine balance inside themselves. The interesting commonality amongst them are that they all have been brought up in a balanced Islamic way, they all married early on in life to women they obviously loved and they have children.

This is not to say, of course, that is all that contributed to their emotional awareness, as one of them meditates regularly. However, in my narrow sphere of social contacts, this is what I have observed. I am excited to meeting more people to see what other commonalities they might have (apart from all of them being very beautiful healers in the very real sense of the term - they give a lot of love generously.)

A male or masculine body does not automatically equal that energetically, and vice versa.

A woman can have a lot of testosterone in the system (and there will be other psychological and energetic causes) and energetically come across as very masculine and unable to process emotions accordingly.

With all those little additions of mine, this is an article I really needed to come across today, as I am now meeting men with whom I am reconnecting with or making new friendships with and they all seem extremely eloquent online.

Because my intention is to have friendships and relationships that last the long term, I need to understand how to interact with the human male species.

And maybe even go out on a few dates here and there, without my entire nervous system going into panic mode due to very extreme and painful past experiences!

****

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/02/why-men-withdraw-emotionally/

Why Men Withdraw Emotionally
Via Keith Artisan
on Feb 3, 2014

In a relationship, having your partner withdraw at an emotional level can bring confusion, pain and frustration.

Women who relate to men that do this are often bewildered by why and how this happens.
Speaking as a man, and one who considers himself sensitive and emotionally available, there are particular situations and scenarios that cause me to withdraw. And I imagine that other men, regardless of how in-tune they are with their emotional nature, would respond in similar ways.

Just because a man withdraws does not mean he is withdrawing from you.

First, I just wanted to express that when a man seeks solace or withdraws from a conversation, it probably has nothing to do with the beloved. It has more to do with the emotional intensity and confusion around emotions than with any particular person. It just takes men more time to integrate and understand the watery realm of emotions. And understanding emotions isn’t something that happens for us spontaneously in the midst of a heated discussion.

We need space and time to figure out what is happening, both within our own self and with our beloved.

Men have been discouraged from feeling emotional. We have been mocked, attacked, and belittled when showing emotions. Big boys don’t cry, toughen up, and bite the bullet are all phrases men grow up with. So when we are faced with emotional situations, we are total novices.







The biggest harm that is not recognized or appreciated for the depth of damage that it causes at the emotional level to a man is that men are expected to be tough, to protect, and kill to defend their family. Violence, and the expectation of violence, mandates an absence of emotional sensitivity.

It is a double standard to expect a man to be emotionally available and to have him be able to harm another human being.

Have compassion and understand the kind of conundrum that a man faces when being emotional vulnerable and awakening to deeper sensitivities. It is rare enough to find a man who wants to delve within and unleash his inner passion. It doesn’t mean that he is going to be masterful at it. For men to be comfortable in their own skin and accept their feeling nature takes a growth curve.

A woman has a lifetime of experience navigating the oceanic tides of emotional states.

Women grow up with emotional states and are accepted as sensitive, feeling beings. She is able to observe, feel, recognize and better communicate her feelings than a man. Women are also adept at observing and recognizing the emotional states in other people. And when a woman finds a man who loves her, at some level, she feels a great deal of hope because she has found an emotional match, somebody who understands those hidden tides and influences.

Women will share all their heart and feelings, and not understand how this can impact a man. And when a man doesn’t respond as she needs, the feelings of being hurt or misunderstood arise. How those feelings are expressed matter a great deal.

The best men want an intimate connection with women, and often don’t know how to do that.

Men don’t fall short in the emotional realm because we are emotionally immature. We are emotionally inexperienced. Men face expectations and pressure about emotions that are confusing and contradictory. And when we find a woman who loves us and we love in return, it brings to life a living fire that had been suppressed for a lifetime. Yet fires burn, and the burgeoning sensitivities is akin to a child learning to walk. We fall down, we make blunders, and we are blind as to how to listen and communicate our emotions.

Men experience a learning curve when awakening to their deepest sensitivities.

And just as any beginner, they make mistakes. Sometimes the mistakes are colossal, and sometimes laughable. Men need an emotional example, how to be live with and operate with emotions in a healthy way. We also need to be accepted as we are, beginners with beautiful intention. To demand for a man to have the mastery over their emotions is an outrageous expectation. For most men, mastery over emotions means suppressing them, hiding feelings behind a mask of stoicism, or just turning off the emotions entirely. It takes time to even identify the subtle emotions, let alone to know how they function and their influence on our own self and those around us.

Any teacher knows that mocking a beginner or putting them down, criticizing them or their approach, will stunt the learning curve, if not completely stopping it.

The beloved woman becomes that guide into the mysterious realms of feeling emotions. When she expresses anger, puts down her man, belittles or mocks him, a man feels attacked. When she demands him to be sensitive, a man feels not good enough.

And when a man faces a womans wrath he will respond in the ways he has been taught to feel emotions since early childhood ; with anger. Anger is one of the few emotions accepted in men because it is a necessary emotion to be a soldier-killer. Anger is a natural defensive response for men. And once we become angry with our beloved, there is a host of problems that arise afterwards. Guilt, shame, inadequacy, failure, and fear. These siblings to anger are inevitable when fury shows its face, especially when we know that our loved one has been hurt as a result of our anger.

The words spoken in anger harm the recipient and the speaker.

It takes time for a man to feel comfortable feeling emotions. After all, such a man is challenging the tenets and pressure of an entire society and its deeply ingrained training.

A man’s natural response when hurt or confused is to withdraw. Almost everybody knows about the masculine need to retreat to the cave. And whether this is physical space, or mental space, or even silence, the cave is an essential healing tool for the manly mind. The cave allows integration of the experience, introspection to see what is happening within, and understanding to know how to better respond in the future.

Women set the example and emotional tone that allows their partner to feel safe.

When a man faces a woman who is emotionally stable, it allows him to understand his own emotions. The depth of understanding that the woman has with herself and her own emotional nature will give him the security to express and unveil his own strengths. The woman who is emotionally secure brings a presence of emotional security to the relationship. A well meaning man will appreciate this and do his best, and grow faster and reveal the depths of his spirit with increasing strength and confidence.

Granted, the ideal is that a man can figure out his emotional state and come into his own emotional maturity through his own self-generated willpower. Yet the reality is that teachers, guides and mentors accelerate this process and help a person navigate the confusing and mysterious realms of emotions. There are a great many pitfalls and bewildering mirages when it comes to the shifting sands of sensitivities. And as man learns his emotional state, he is also facing the additional challenges from his friends, family, and world that challenges that awakening at every step.
The woman who is insecure with her own emotions will see a man who withdraws as a threat and denigrate him and go on the attack. This is the antithesis of supportive behavior.

She may not realize that he is a man who is brave beyond measure to face his own soul and bare his spirit with vulnerable trust. When a man doesn’t respond as she needs and demands at the emotional level, lashing out will only cause harm. Gentle understanding and compassionate acceptance brings healing and deepens the relationship. One of the best qualities women have is the ability to nurture.
Nurturing is not aggressive. And with a man, directing aggression at him will generate an aggressive response. He will either fight or run. The flight or fight response is deeply ingrained into every human being. In essence, attacking a man who is opening his heart will trigger a survival level instinct. Once that survival level power fully awakens in relationship, the dynamics in the relationship changes and may never come back to equilibrium.

Nurturing is not forceful, instead it is accepting and allows for a natural growth curve. Be patient.

Just as a tree takes time to come into its fullness and blossom, a man who is learning to embrace his deeper truths will need time to fully ripen into his potential.

Appreciate the men who take the time to stand up against society to discover, feel, live and unleash their sensitive side. It takes a lion’s heart full of courage to face down societal expectations and programmed beliefs. Give him gratitude, honor his spirit, thank him for being available with his sensitivity in ANY way that he is able.

Such a person is one of a kind, a warrior in the truest meaning of the word.

stardust in some form or other

One can never truly make Spirit a commodity of the few or chosen ones. The minute we do that, we have truly created a false God for ourselves.

How can one compartmentalise something as grand as the multidimensional soul, which even the most ascetic amongst us still struggle to understand?

Every soul will experience all aspects of life so differently.

The same event is experienced by each of us in our unique cells and neurons as uniquely ours.
Someone told me today that her experience has been that almost everyone she loved had left her or she had to leave them. I smiled and refused my ego the satisfaction of adding any opinions.

If you wish to be awakened and enlightened by age such and such, you're going to lose a lot of stuff along the way. You will need to accept that at some point you will be stripped of your identity entirely.

You WILL lose yourself.

And gain more in its place.

Right now, there are people who are activating some really old stuff inside of me that has remained dormant. I cry, I cancel plans, my body aches, I feel the cords releasing, my vision is going funny, I am talking a lot of what I consider to be redundant rubbish.

We surrender each time to this confusion, this confused, majnoon state.

Because the Creator requires us to Burn in His fires of devastation in order to purify.

Fire always purifies, as does water, earth, sun and moon.

 There will come a time when we all will give up our artifices and really understand that to make Spirit a commodity is doing our own souls a great injustice, as is submitting ourselves to lives and experiences that no longer reflect the grandeur of our Beingness.

We must stop repeating the saints or teachers of old, what they said to us three years ago, or 600 years ago.

The truth is the same, yet it needs your own experience to validate it.
Anything else is false until proven true.

Not all of us shut down entirely when challenged. I do.
Not all of us forget the truths and the love when reminded. I do.
Not all of us repeat the same mistakes over and over until we feel like used up and ground husks of rye. I do.

Yet - all of us have such a grand honour of entire annihilation.

Well, in due time, we all will. There is a time, a lock that is ready to be picked.

Nothing ever occurs before the exact destined time.

Nothing.

As Hussain said, even your next morsel of food is destined before birth, so why concern and fret over what is assuredly yours? What is not yours, no matter how you force it - whether is be a relationship, an enlightenment, a better word, a drop of drinking water when your well is dry - not destined, may never happen.

Continuous surrender and continuous reminders of What We Truly Are.

We all are stardust in some form or other
mingled with the grains of this earth
in order to transmute and make
alchemy into gold.

Step back, and command yourself to step forward now as the star beings that you are.

The time is always now. Always. Please, we need you to wake up. We truly do. We have waited ever so long for us to purify as the first wave, so we could somewhat guide the second wave.

Come over to the Light and Love side.... we have special cookies

- Sukaina Juma
3/11/2016

Forgiveness Is Almost Complete

No matter how many people's worlds fall apart in front of your eyes
And no matter how many people tell you they are afraid
Always know they are being helped
And take a few steps back, pause, ask if you are needed.

If you are still plugging holes in your own void, there is no way in hell your energy will help them.
Your words will fall flat and it will seem that both of you wasted a lot of time.

But even when you make those mistakes that harm your soul, if somehow your care and love relieved their burden for a few minutes. then it was God's appointment. There was no one else at the time, so you were chosen.

But always give them their burdens back. Or give the burdens to God.

Do not carry with them into your heart, so that you lose your sleep.
Most of us know this by now, there is just one person this is an instruction to...
The best instruction is that done in silence and in remembrance of the dust that is the humble vessel of the magnificent Soul....
There are lessons in speaking our truths - for each and every one of us.
There are lessons in forgetting the truths we once knew - for each of us.

For me, this avatar known as Sukaina, I have to make peace with learning and understanding in my core that I died when I was 18 and was not given a manual to activate. At 33, I still do not have that manual due to my state being similar for the last ten years.

We die every night. We must intend to die every night. For if we don't, we carry the residue of our meagre selves with us. We remember things we were better off forgetting.
We maintain attachments out of fear and lack of understanding.
There is great freedom in dying to ourselves every night, every day, every breath....
We were not created nor were we incarnated to remain imprisoned.

Not in this era.

It is so difficult and yet, when you die with every breath, you surrender that part of you that has obscured Your Light from You.

Your eyes see better, your breast doesn't have the urge to hold convictions and defend them to the death.

Other people's happy endings mean more to you than your own. When another's successes are as satisfying to you as your own, you know you have succeeded a little more in dissolving.

You look at the state of your own existence, to every single obstacle and failing and say, "Praise be to the Creator Who has ensured that I face such obstacles."
 
You die. You do die. It is just a matter of when and how.

There are parts that continue to fight.
There are parts that are still feeling the void.
Within everything, there is such a sweet lesson that it breaks my heart and tears fall upon the cheeks in silence.

So much ugliness and beauty. So much separation and connection.

One day I feel as though all odds are against me
Another day, people are being catalysed once again beyond my intentions.
There truly is only power when the divine is allowed to take over.
And when there is stuckness, that has to be accepted as another form of spiritual training.
At some point, balance will be maintained forever.


But the soul must be allowed to express itself, within the sacred boundaries. To refuse any soul their expression is to deny them their grace. Even when it is something you would rather not hear.
Walk away, bow your head - the words will miss you.

For only the souls who are still in separation are aware of it. If you feel that the sacred soul in front of you is somehow in need of poking and prodding, make sure you double check the soul contract first.

For none of us are truly free from the mistakes of correcting another. It is such an old pattern that the helpers within us carry.

Sight is granted organically, hearing is too.

We can only share our own experiences, all of which can never truly be experienced by anyone other than us. Just ask for light and for relief. It is granted. It is always granted.

Even when you asked for a challenging life.

Nothing is static and all existences are now.
Tap into the ease and the self love and empowerment.
The body, the mind, the money issues will all heal.

You may need to allow your heart to grieve again, though. That was a divine bond that was interfered with and then ruthlessly cut away.
 

Forgiveness is almost complete, but not entirely.

- Sukaina Juma
1/11/2016