Ek cup chai ho jaee?

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They keep talking about the eclipses that happen as major gateways, and opportunities to really dig into the deep shadow that we have, to be honest, to be clear, to be ourselves, to remember.

Whether or not I ever got activated from the previous eclipses in life, I can't say until I have the talent of reading energies that way.

This eclipse corridor - from 4 July and now - I have felt that one. Big time.

What it has made me realise is that one really loses a lot when one awakens a little more each day or month or year.

One loses the ability to be easily entertained, and one can't relate to the people that we could a few months or years ago.

For example, I am from a culture that adores drinking tea and coffee. It becomes an extremely intimate way of bonding. You would go out to have hardcore milky tea or karak doodh patti chai to a tea stall in the town. Or go to the mosque and rave about the mosque tea, with subtle hints of cardamom swirling inside.

I remember going to a school friend's house regularly to study or just hang out, and tea was a must.

But now, I drink tea and I stay awake, wired all night. So I have tried to switch to decaf (but it still has the caffeine and tannin in it) and redbush tea, God bless me, I now find has a funny taste and no longer satisfy my cravings.

This isn't something that I will hold onto for long. I can outgrow the childish tantrums about yet another thing that normal people enjoy, but I no longer can.

Yet, this represents how most things are now. I feel it's because I have a lot more healing to do, and so that means not getting distracted by things that are on some level a superficial indicator of happiness and progress. For me, those very things that are seen as positive and a sign of functionality, are distractions from my own self healing and progress.

Whether that means spending time with friends (it is better for me to have few and ones who are fully aware of the shifts in consciousness and not allowing them to be swayed by their inner wounds quite so much), or having a lover (it's gonna not be great for my spiritual awakening at this time to be distracted by someone, unless I somehow have healed - which I know I haven't), or other stuff.

Someone a bit difficult to understand once told me that her theory was that if we are unhappy, that prods us to go out seeking, learning, healing ourselves, and then standing up for others. If we are happy and contented, who on earth would do anything for anyone else?

I can see some angles and some validity to this... but perhaps the connection with pain and productivity really needs to be broken and a new one formed between ease, peace and progress.

I suppose the question is can I allow others to have different life goals to mine and let it be - can I really step out of the small thinking box I spend my life in, and let life be as chaotic as it is, and let the humans be exactly as they are - all the while seeking their divine light?

The more I spend time alone, I can do that a little easier. Maybe.

What I need to clarify are a few things and requires some intelligent questioning:

What are my soul's goals for this lifetime - answer is humility, but also ease, grace, karma clearing, being compassionate and loving to self and others, heals some deep wounding and becoming independent and free. Contentment and gratitude.

Will that come with a happy, easy life? Answer: depends on what you mean by that ;)

It has also been important to see all the teachers I have as humans. All the relatives, adults, everyone... as humans with flaws. This also has helped me discern who I want in my life.

I came across something interesting recently regarding shamanic practices. I was aware that they make a white despacho to bring good tings into our lives - that consists in brings petals, leaves, anything that can symbolise areas of your life, wrap it in cotton or paper, put your intentions into it, nurture and carry it, then burn it in a ceremonial fire.

All good - I have done a few and who knows if it did anything or not, but just the communal aspect of it, and being around a cleansing fire was good enough for me the last few times I have done it.

Now this time around, I had the opportunity to do this, and we all have been told to bring a £5 note minimum to burn in the fire.

That, for me, doesn't make sense. There are too many rough sleepers in the city or even a few streets away for me to go bring in money in order to bring in more. The same intention can be made whilst gifting the money - and there was no suggestion of doing this as an alternative.

Anyway, it's also true that the room would be full (which I was told yesterday) so that I'm not even able to go. And one of my teacher's seems to not allow me to speak and formulate what I want to say - I have my Mercury in Taurus, so it takes a while for me to speak articulately... so I need to just remind him of that. And there was some lack of H&S risk assessments.

But you have to question all the spiritual practices. What doesn't feel right for you, doesn't.

I question all the Islamic ones, I don't really subscribe to other faiths, and now I'm having to question the shamanic practicies and figure out which are really not something I want to associate with, and which are just my resistance to changing.

It is the same with sufism - although I can't find the teacher or the tareeqa yet that is right for me (perhaps there aren't for me this lifetime - who knows).

Question the stuff that doesn't sit right with you - there is a reason why it doesn't.

I have had healers tell me what to do in the recent past, and I was not happy.

I have had to just step back and ask myself what on earth do I need to do differently to attract a better outcome - and the answer always seems to be stop leaking out your energy to everyone on the planet trying to help and heal. Just quit it!

This is the main reason I have not progressed in my lifetime. And every time I have put my needs first, I was able to do something a little bit progressive.

Yes, these eclipses I am feeling the energy and the kicks up the bum.

And no tea for me, either. Chalo ji, at least I am learning what has taken lifetimes (literally) to learn.

My Unpatterned Hands

I begin this in the name of my beloved Creator. I feel very disconnected from the One, who created every single breath and every single soul, yet I hope one day I will return.

It has been a very hot day in London, 27 degrees at the height, and I had some heatstroke around 5-6pm, so when I reported anti-social behaviour (three men about to get into a huge fight in Mitcham Town Centre), I called 101 and told them it was outside of Morrison's instead of outside Poundland. Then, I didn't have a pen to record the CASS number, so I couldn't have called back without embarrassing myself.

This merging the real life reality I find myself facing daily with the desire to become an amazing and healer filled with integrity, it's not happening.

At home, my father is trying his best to continue to humiliate me, today at work we had managers and colleagues doing their best to lower the vibration with passive aggressive behaviour and snide comments, and I wonder if I create all of this, or is the world filled with severely wounded people (I'm refraining from using the choicest of curse words).

It's really getting to me.

My shamanic healing cases haven't begun, I still haven't done the 5 case studies for the soul plan training that I took three years ago, and I am no where near finding a new job that is filled with good vibes, respect, the right kind of work and the income that I deserve and I can then move out.

I feel very emotional and there just seems to not be solutions or support that I need.

I'm retracking my life and trying to see how to not repeat the same mistakes I keep making that have brought me to this really challenging place.

It isn't very clear.

Khair, randomly, I've rediscovered Danish Ali and he's bringing me back to earth with the laughter and the homesickness. I really miss Pakistan. Like, really. The good bits, obviously.

I really hope I can go visit this year. I really need to make it happen. London is sucking me dry.

And I was here for the healers. But that isn't quite working out the way I need.

All I can say is... this spiritual journey that we each are on, it is not easy and it is painful.

Even when you should know how to heal all of this by now.

The title for this was related to the wedding I went to last March - April, my cousin's wedding in Canada. I had assumed it would turn out well for me because these are people who ensure their life turns out well.

It turned out amazingly for them, but not for me. I didn't even get the opportunity to have henna put on my hands for my own cousin' wedding - I had to choose to be the self sacrificing goat yet again, because her friends turned out to be a bit too self-centred and entitled.

None of this matters in the end, but the fact that all of the bs that I am attracting and have for so many years, in spite of all of the healing....

It makes you wonder where you are going wrong.

Khair.

Watch this, and cry with laughter....