Subconscious Implosions

Making Allowances

We each are allowed to not cope on any given day. Right now, deep breathing seems to be my biggest issue for the moment.

I've collapsed, imploded upon myself - yet again.

Bringing myself to write this is only because writing in in my blood, my soul and I have been so disconnected from anything creative inside of me for such a long time, I have disconnected from myself.

I had to be signed off from work by a GP who wasn't the best at empathy on Monday, for a week, because I was finding it difficult to be at work, around all the people who frankly don't have the same subtlety that is required for my energy right now. There's such a lack of control, and people are unhappy within themselves and taking it out on me or around me. It's just no longer acceptable.

Total Collapse and Failure

I feel like such a failure as a human being, as a light worker, as a healer, as a female, as Sukaina right now.

But it is what it is. There's not much I can do if my subconscious or whatever has just collapsed and felt overwhelmed. This happens when one is very unhappy with the way life has turned out.

I've been trying to catch up on eight long years of not healing myself in the correct manner.

I finally have someone genuine doing Emotion Code for me, as well as training myself to become a shaman. I guess I broke down because I did this all very rapidly since January 2019.

I have also been to the people who aren't really trained to sort out my energy properly, training themselves. I went to them because that's going to be me at some point. But that wasn't right, and Jane had told me this! You learn the hard way sometimes.

These Cages Are Chafing My Soul

 

My soul is feeling so caged inside this small box of a life I've created for myself, because I thought this is all I could do, all I could manage, all that the world has to offer me.

It isn't as devastating as it has been in the past - maybe because I've been through all of this so many times before, you just look at yourself in the mirror, looks deep into your eyes - and give a huge shrug.

How Is It That Other Healers Are Feeling None of This Collapse?

 

Instagram can be both inspirational and not good for you at the same time. I'm happy for all the artists and activists, etc, who are going from strength to strength in every photograph - not a SINGLE one of my favourite artists or new Pakistani talent seem to be at ALL affected by ascension energies.

Always out, doing something, being amazing - none of this heal your inner trauma and inner child, subconscious trauma shit. None of that - at all.

I find that to be really amazing - how do they pull it off? They evidently are healers - so then?

I don't have much to say - I don't know who I am as the ego is being ripped apart from me daily. At least I've stopped the crying. Some of the numbness has come back.

I'm lacking sleep that has been rejuvenating, and physical energy.

All my friends are away from me during this time - I fell to the position of "begging" my cousin to please call me so I could feel that I have some family who care about me - I even said he was as close to a brother to me as anyone ever would be - he still didn't call me.

NEVER BEG ANYONE, REALLY, TRY YOUR BEST TO SELF SOOTHE.

My powers of manifesting **** masculine energies are always amazing to me.

And also, quite frankly, without any harsh and fiery, or acidic Scorpionic judgements, lightworkers and healers are as messed up as the ones who aren't awake or healers.

Seriously, man!

I still was blessed with having cafe quality cake two days in a row. Jaffa orange and dark chocolate cake, which was amazing - even though I was blubbing tears in front of my manager because it felt so crap I was so sick.

And strawberry cheesecake today.

I was able to spend time with some sweet kids today, and a sweet neighbour.

Almost getting back to normal.

Will have to protect myself from the energy of Brexit because that's half of the reason I collapsed; I couldn't take the bs. I wonder how many counsellors and psychotherapists are having clients speak about the anxiety and sadness this entire fiasco is causing them. Mine had to listen to my own experience of this yesterday.

Life in the UK just isn't ideal for someone like me any longer.

There is hopefully a way to realign my energy towards wherever I need to go, and do whatever I need to do.

Admin is not where I am meant to be.

Come on, yaar... I really need to find a place to start learning to do Bollywood and modern dance.

My brow chakra is quite blown open (sinuses).

God have mercy on me!

The Insanity of the Lives I Left Behind

Image by manfredrichter on Pixabay

Disconnection

These times of healing are shit difficult. I'm not even going to censor the swear words today.

I am finally reaching a point of balance within myself. Some days it feels like I am really inhabiting this body, that the fingers are mine, the soles of the feet are mine .

My expressions become more poetic and eloquent, and I'm not focussed or obsessed on how perfect other people are.

Some days are like this.

But most days, the insecurity and the low self esteem of lifetimes comes to the surface.

Now, the thing is, I still don't know or maybe I don't want to clear the emotions the moment they come up.

I know the basics of emotion Code and can use a magnet on my conception meridian and clear it.

I told myself ages ago, I ought to.

But, heck, do I actually heal myself that way? Heck.

Image by johnhain on Pixabay

The situation for me as a whole stifles and ekes me out; the circumstances I find myself in are increasingly suffocating.

I can't be with the birth family any longer.

Either they have failed gloriously in the task to awaken to love and truth, or they were never meant to.

Can't have any conversations with them; I sound crazy to them.

What's worse is the disrespect I still receive from them, and none of them reflect upon their own selves to question if ever I have been correct in following my own soul's voice.

All my illusions are now being shown to me.

I still don't feel like going out, or doing anything fun. It's literally been healing after healing after healing. And working to earn money. The joy that I worked hard to garner within me has gone for this job.

I'm here because I still haven't found a way forward. Making mistakes due to the fact I really just don't care any longer.

I work in an environment whereby even if they were light-workers or healers, one would never know because of the amount of bs and crap that's brought into the workplace. There have been many days of recent I leave with physical issues in stomach or mind - I still am struggling with psychic protection. It feel, to me, that I keep picking up on their negative entities. I can't afford to do this another day.

Image by StockSnap on Pixabay

It takes at least 50 deaths to wake up, and trust me, I'm just on the first level.

God, where do I go from here? Show me.

Friendships would therefore be difficult to maintain or form, because all the ones before were based on my continuing to be dysfunctional and broken.

There are two or three people I wish to still remain friends with, but they don't care for me the way I care for them.

All of them are males.

And I have to cut cords and let them go, because for some reason I bring nothing to their lives which is positive or noticeable.

Waking up is shit difficult. I seem to just keep losing people, even the good ones... And one of them IS actually awake.

Lekin kya karein? You can't resist this world and the shifting energetics that occur within us.

Souls that were so close to me become so distant. Such is life.

There is also goodness, but we don't give details of goodness because the nature of the internet has become so perverse that energies are drained and attacked, and that's no longer tolerable or tolerated.

May we all heal ourselves.

There's a lot of crap flying around, a lot of lives still living within us even though we outlived those realities.

My prayer for those who are both awake and not: slow down, reflect, heal, wake up, and help each other to rise.

I find myself wishing to engage with certain creative souls, vocal souls, but the noise and chaos feels too much, I step back.

Maybe I'll feel very different in a few months time when I've gotten my own shit together.

But as of now, cooking a decent meal for myself and getting to this 9-5 job and working as best I can with a bunch of unaware, unhappy, disconnected souls is the best I can do.



Keeping silent and clearing judgements brings much grace.

That's something I've gone into seclusion this weekend to work on.

All of a sudden, I'm actually speaking to people like Waqas Ali and Isam Bachiri (whom I sort of idolise due to them being powerful older souls who've just paved the way for abundance and healing music and saved me from much deeper sorrow)... On Instagram, but still! Waqas actually replied to me, and it felt so validating.

As though, again, I now exist on this planet.

And now, need to drag this body exhausted from past life healing up to do the mundane chores I wish I didn't have to do every damned weekend.

It's not what I came here to do.

But it is what I find myself doing.

These are not complaints, just realisations of where I am and where I wish I was in life.

Image by geralt on Pixabay

In the end, to be as humble as dust, one pays the price of humiliation and a complete stripping down of any artifice and fakeness, lies and deceit towards oneself and God.

Peace x