self expression

I'm finding it a bit easier to express to people verbally how I feel.

And at the same time, I am finding some really unhappy people taking out their crap on me, the last was a new mother who came to my workplace and treated me like a servant. The funny thing is that she was from what is classed as an oppressed ethnic minority. I just tolerated her, as my energy has worn thin with humans at this time.

This year has shown to me all the places whereby my ego has been grabbing onto things and people and experiences that are not for me.

Creativity has been blocked entirely, and I am working on healing some stuff inside of me, to help me progress.

As usual, I am alone in this, and lonely.

As usual, ghosts from the past come to haunt me in the silent, darkness at night. I speak to them, I tell them how I feel, there is no answer, not even to my "salaam".

I have been distracting myself with Indian cinema and Bollywood interviews. Makes me happy to a least be associated with Indian lineage, even if my own particular family's lineage is mightily f*cked up.

I have made some firm decisions, that I am now awaiting my dear Allah to help me finalise and materialise.

This will change the fabric of this earth, and grant me some everlasting peace.

Jab insaan itna thaktha hai dunya se, logon sey, umeedein jab sab khojatein hain, phir focus karna parta hai towards something that works better.

Haar maanne koi buri baat nahi hai.

We go back to the drawing board and take a huge rest, and then pick lighter challenges and come back down again.

In other news, I just learned that Sikhism is only 500 years old, and was merged a little between Hinduism and Islam. So interesting.

I like the energy behind Sikhism, feels very pure - especially when I listen to Ik Onkar by Harshdeep Kaur.

These are just disjointed thoughts - I've had the flu and it's kicked my butt again.Bollywood is keeping me connected and grounded.

Issi bandi ko zyaada inkesaari ki zaroorat par rahi hai... kya karein?

This song is my latest love - I just discovered it:

Dance In Your Blood...

I wanted to make another video today. It just didn't happen, again.

I am in a low place emotionally, so all that was coming out was a lot of personal angst and complaints. Which is perfectly allowed by the Divine, just very poor entertainment value for viewers.

So I took a detox salt bath with rose essential oils and herbs, and feel like I am a bit more inside my skin.

There is a lot going on.

I am finally becoming selfish. The more selfish I become with my energy and time, the more I succeed in something else.

I amde the mistake of going to a dinner organised by work management. I wasn't going to go, as I prefer to go out by myself. But somehow, I got encouraged to go by a work colleague, who seemed very loving at the time.

On the day, we didn't even talk to each other, and as much as I tried to be a positive person, I was rundown with what feels like flu, and it became uncomfortable as I really can't do small talk with people I have nothing in common.

I have to write it up as experience and a huge lesson about following my own decisions through, and not giving up my 2.5 hours and some money because of someone who doesn't care when I am sick, and I wouldn't trust to save me if anything happened to me.

Sigh.

Basically, the spiritual master will dance when they are bleeding.

They will be honest, and tell the truth about what their limitations are.

I have lost all the friends I made over the last two years. My physical and emotional detox isn't progressing. I am forgetting things, and have consulted someone I trust as psychic and working on clearing emotions that have tormented generations of my family's lineage.

And there's a lot more going on. I fail every single day.

Can one blame me for wanting to isolate and hide?

People are showing themselves to be even more disconnected from soul and heart, they are NOT in their bodies.

Anyway....

we dance.

And make beautiful patterns with the blood on the dancefloor.


Dance, when you’re broken open. 
Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. 
Dance in the middle of the fighting. 
Dance in your blood. 
Dance when you’re perfectly free 
– Rumi


Even the gift of articulation is muted at this time. I can't write much else, although there is MUCH to say.