another way of being

The full moon lunar eclipse. It was a big deal. 

In two months of no rain, clear skies and very hot, tropical weather, it was to thunder and rain precisely on the night of the eclipse - so I am unsure if anyone in the UK was able to view it when it occurred. I am sure there is a message in that for us.

It, plus the retrogrades, is bringing up so many people from my past. People I really do not feel any connection with, who actively seek me out, but then I never know what for, as the connection was broken a long time ago.

Do they reflect back to me darkness? Is it really something I need to see right in my face?

All the traits I thought I had submitted to God, they are gearing up for another round: self-centredness, aggression, victimization, using people for one's comfort, ingratitude, ignorance, ridiculing others, demeaning others, rejection, disconnection when there is sacred love to be experienced...

Being on the receiving side really feels awful. I cry big, silent tears.

Life repeats itself with major misunderstandings and projections. I am okay with all of it, because I don't feel connected emotionally to the people any longer. My auric field is more solid than it ever had been.

Cleansings are being done daily, and showers are a must. With lemon shower gel. They cord in fast and furiously.

All I have to do is realise my boundaries are much stronger, and relevant and reasonable. I isolate myself as that is the easiest coping mechanism.

Although, it makes one wonder if one is still at a lower, fragmented version of life, or is this the reflection of what was once my life?

I never know the reasons why they come back, but not really there. This online business is probably the biggest fallacy and illusion known to humans....

And, the ones I would rather spend my time and energy with...

Are nowhere to be found.

This is an energetic memo to all from my past: I am done. Ended. Not repeating this. Go find you own light and selves.

It is possible to learn the learnings in isolation.

As Rumi said in fihi ma fihi, there is the Muhammedan way of spiritual growth, whereby he was surrounded by those he needed to exercise caution and patience with, including his wives, and companions. And then there is the Jesus way to God, whereby you remain celibate, isolate and have no family. If you can't do it the first way, then by all means find Him the second way.

But the goal is always to find Him/Her and to be absorbed entirely.

That's when the personality genuinely dies, and no longer is interested in the "me" stories, no longer defensive, in separation, unheedful, all talking and no listening.

The end game is sacred Union with God. Let's remind ourselves of this.

If you're working through other challenges, please don't pull someone to you when they finally freed themselves to another way of being. And then others will therefore reflect that same respect toward you in the right time.

We are each our own powerhouses, our own energy sources - work on that

The Rupture and The Repair | Curated Post

THE RUPTURE AND THE REPAIR 

First there is the rupture. Old pain resurfaces, erupting from the depths of the unconscious. 

The status quo is shattered. You feel disoriented, groundless, not knowing where to turn. An old world has crumbled, a new world has not yet formed. 

You encounter the strange space of Now, pure presence, raw, unprotected by old dreams, nothing to cling to. 

Even your outdated concepts of God crumble. 

And then you remember to breathe, and feel your feet on the ground, and observe the spinning mind rather than losing yourself in it. 

The world is out of control but you are not. You feel what you feel. Afraid. Angry. Numb. Sad. Lonely. Unsafe. Whatever. 

You commit to feeling it fully today, to not dissociating this time. A feeling is just a feeling, not a fact, and presence can hold it. 

You wail, you weep, you scream, but you are repairing. You have broken to heal, ruptured to mend. 
Old energies have emerged only to be blessed with love, acceptance, tenderness. 

You can't go back to the way things were. You can't un-see what you have seen. But you can be present, today. And take each step consciously now, not automatically, habitually, but mindfully, with care. Finding gratitude for each extra moment you are alive. 

And staying close to yourself now, as you walk this unknown path with courage, and a new conviction. 

- Jeff Foster


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I will write another post about the intensity of the challenges most of us are going through collectively, and individually at this time. What little I know of it from my own experience - once I've channelled away my very intense emotions at this time. So it might take a while for that post to appear.

My cousin told me something that I didn't really want to hear, but it was said with humility, love and truth.

Me: I miss writing!
Cousin: You are good at it if only you stay away from emotions channel the emotions dont write with emotions

Therefore, it will take a while for me to write anything worthwhile. I'm currently being eaten up.

What Jeff Foster said above is exactly what's going on with most - not all - of us at this time of eclipses, and just basic soul's growth.

You feel like breaking, but hold on. It doesn't define you - this humanness doesn't define you, and other people's dramas are definitely their issue.

Walk away and channel the emotions. No matter WHO it is in front of you. Value your boundaries, your Self.

We're all connected, and from the same source, but that does not mean  we owe anyone any of our energy. Boundaries will always remain important, no matter how much one ascends inside of oneself.

I am... am I? Shamanic and Sufi thoughts on Be-Ing-Ness

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The more we surrender to God (I prefer this term), the less we are allowed to hold onto our superficial layers that have given us a sense of security since our childhood.

We die many deaths before we die.

Yet, my observation is, not all of us experience this process in great depth, and that is also with divine grace. Either there are many obstacles, or other earthbound learnings to be fulfilled, or other reasons unknown, but known to the Creator, who is constantly working on each soul's perfection - even in the really crappy times. Of which we all experience a frequency of.

Can you imagine the pilot flying your plane, or the investment banker in charge of your thousands to invest, or your hair stylist, or the guy driving the bus, all of a sudden to having a crisis of consciousness and flaking out, and hiding under the covers for days on end, like most of those whose DNA is shifting?

It would be chaos and unnecessary. (Unless my unravelling was particularly excruciating due to interference factors - which it was, and also it wasn't).

In Fihi ma fihi (Discourses of the Unseen), Rumi states that God has also put the passion for a particular life journey in that soul, because otherwise society wouldn't function. You need the farmer to want to be one, or a dancer, or an actor, or a corporate speaker to want to be one.

Not every single soul currently in incarnation at this time of Light needs to question who we are in essence. If we do, then that too is our path, and after all the unravelling is done, we may still do the occupation, but with an awareness that puts life into sharp focus and paradox, and blesses all those whom we connect with with a high light and frequency. This can truly be felt.  I have experienced this with a handful of people, and hopefully will meet more like this in my life.

Those who have that are nectar, and the bees, wasps, and even butterflies congregate around that Light. But it is a subtle process, so it is also those who are humble, who have realised the nothingness and temporary nature of existence that comes after "I am..."

If you are one who is unravelling, there comes a point when you accept that most people will not be able to cope with it, it will feel fractured, and you'll be forced to give up the old lives you lead.
If you are still meant to be behind the veils, and to continue your life so that the world functions well, thank you. Allow your fractured, unravelling friend to move on, so they can fulfil their role, which doesn't fit into the standard.

Some of us are meant to be in society, but still on the outskirts. A bridge between the seen and unseen worlds.

The mind can't comprehend, only an open heart and submissive ego will be witness.

Darkness 5.0

I have been trying to pull any and all energy and motivation inside of me to write. It just hasn't worked. So I've turned on Darren Hayes inspired music to inspire something intelligible and profound from within my mind and soul to write on these pages.

I will be need ing to go into a second round of eitikaaf (spiritual isolation). I am still very unsettled within myself. If someone stares at me, I can't look back and smile. I look away, ignore them. Most of the time, the energy is VERY heavy, especially from females. Something about me (or it's just their habit) makes them want to steal my solar plexus energy, or my head energy.

I return all of it back - they can process their own shit, I refuse to do it any longer for good karma.

I just got back from Birmingham - not the best trip, but energetically Birmingham is a better place than London. So just being there made me feel lighter. being around relatives is always tough, especially when it's the first time you are meeting them - and they are all from Dar-es-salaam and Zanzibar - they just have something different flooding their veins. Very different.


I took my mesa there. It felt like it would absorb the energies there. I keep having to put my mesa on my stomach and my heart to help heal the pain, the raw pain that just lives there. Relentless.

The darkness has come back - the emotions have all come back, the memories still have not been destroyed. That sucks. It really does. Furthermore, I have peole from my part in karachi come back to talk to me, and although the conenction is not there, there is this karmic compuslio to communicate - maybe jsut to pick apart the wounds, to bring up all of the anger, insecurity, all of it to heal - does it ever fully heal?

I remember school like I was there yesterday. Useless information, really. And anything useful, and pertinent to my present - I seem to be apt at forgetting. Regularly.

I feel all the world is going mad. I just found out Boris Johnson resigned, which I was happy about - but that his resignation has made the pound sterling even weaker.

I am wildly fluctuating between the mundane human life, and finally getting little sparks of spiritual life. I am crying a lot, the kind of tears and wailing I used to do after my ex. The kind of crying that would hollow out an entire cavern inside of my heart, and make me feel the loneliest person on the planet.

This time around, instead of calling on my ex's higher self for love and support, I call upon my cousin's soul for company. it is always willing, and after a while I feel the familiarity of his presence, and my heart calms down and I feel safe and loved all over again - similarly to how I used to feel around my grandparents. It will have to do, in order for me to survive life.

After all, love heals.

God, I have a confession - I am absolutely exhausted and done with having to interact with superficial people I have no reason being with.

Forgive me for whatever it is that causes me to be separated from my soul family.

I am also very much tired of being single, without a loving husband. I have been patient and self sabotaging for 8 years now. Enough.

Women half as intelligent and loving as I am are happily married. Please help me with this.

I know there is a part of me that finds all of this banal and mundane, and that's the part that continuously ensures that I've been single all of my life. I am aware of interference from others, but surely they aren't more powerful than Thou?

But Thy mercy and majesty both encompass all things.

Right?

In the end, it is late at night, I am tired and therefore lose my eloquence. Plus Chiron is in retrograde; my chiron is in Gemini. Not that I'm using it as an excuse - or may be I am...

Surrender to God. Fully. I hear his voice in my head every time it get's too egoic inside of my head.