Water to a thirsty Soul

My mentor is upset with me. It is not the first time that the people I ask for guidance feel upset with me.

It makes sense.

If you tell someone some easy steps to gain a stronger spiritual energy, and that soul remain stubborn and encompassed by ego, how can one not get annoyed?

You, as the more advanced being, see very clearly what needs to be done. You have been granted the gifts of the unseen, have seen some incredible things, may even know how the threads of the universe work, and you see potential in someone, or that person has asked for help, you give it and then they toss it to the ground in fear: you feel a bit worn and disappointed in your protege. To the point you are aware she is not ready, and so you let it be for now. After all, your time is so very precious.

"Do you meditate?"

"No, I was, and then I wasn't feeling well..."

"Just a simple yes or no is good enough. Do you meditate?"

I became all withdrawn and sullen.

"No."

He smiled: "Not at the moment"

"You complain and make excuses. I told you to write, and you insisted on going back to your old blog, complaining and repeating the behaviour of the past." He stopped to think. "Well, anyway, it's not as though you are writing anyway. Never mind, let's just get the healing done with."

"Your ego has taken over, it is very much there. You don't let go, you keep holding onto things... so if you're so full of stuff, then God can't come inside. He will still help you... but... You have to surrender"

 I filled in the gaps: you won't get the experience you wish, because you didn't make space, you didn't surrender to God.

You know you have found the right teacher when they make you just the right amount of uncomfortable as they show to you ALL of your limitations just by one glance.

I couldn't speak after that. Apparently, my going for walk whilst listening to music cancels it out, because the body isn't getting the benefit when the mind is distracted. I got upset, not because he was right, but because I am sure somewhere in my last 7 years, I knew about mindfulness and now seems I have forgotten all the useful knowledge.

Instead, I am pining away for a life partner and unsure where to go in order to at least meet someone and make friends. It's never going to be about a fling, about getting it out of my system. The one thing I know about myself is I have to choose very wisely, someone who is willing to stay with me in spite of all of the discomfort and flaws and someone who truly is submitted and down to earth.

When I spoke to my mentor, the furious intense love for him suddenly appeared again in my heart. I didn't really ask for a healing. Speaking to him is usually healing in itself. I was craving his company, and I couldn't be honest about it to myself. After all of this time, loving someone so ferociously still seems like a huge crime due to religious and cultural conditioning. It is agape love, the highest form that usually gets mistaken for the more earthly defined forms.

For those few minutes, connecting with a soul mate half way across the world, makes my loneliness dissipate, makes me have hope that I will one day be able to travel once more to Canada and the US (for, in spite of all the darkness erupting there, there is ALWAYS light).

I hadn't seen him on video chat for at least a year. I didn't realise just how much I missed him until I saw his face smiling at me. I stared at him throughout, it was a similar feeling such as water in an oasis to a thirsty Soul who has travelled the desert for miles without recourse.

Sort of like a Shems - Rumi meeting, but obviously that has an entirely different level to it. Rumi as very willing.

And all I was doing was unable to open up to healing, defenses were up and the mystical, cryptic manner in which he gives his pearls of wisdom makes it so difficult for my mind to understand.

Anyway, the idea is simple... be happy, be grateful, meditate, wake up at dawn, write for ten minutes daily for 40 days and things may shift.

I am unsure how he knows this, but I know he is the real deal. A year ago, he may have had gaps in knowledge but in a year he has been in training and I haven't been. So he is more ahead of me and closer to God than a year ago, whereas I have no idea what my state is.

It is so useful to be away for a year, and focus only on study and contemplation. Qom and Iraq would never be right for me as a woman who is therefore forced to cover up in black and remain segregated throughout due to the presupposition that all we think about is sex, yet perhaps India or Turkey might bring me some relief.

I will open up to the Universe to take me away for a seclusion for a year to connect. Why not? it is another experience. Living in London, how can you do these things with ease? You have to go away somewhere. All of the teachers do in order to open up.

Choose to do fun things. I couldn't really say what fun thing I wanted to do in that moment.

It is okay.

The more we judge the sadness and negativity, the more it burgeons up sometimes. Because our ego is our unhealed inner child.

After all of this, I have realised that I will be choosing a slower union with God, a slower ascension in order to have a balanced life on this earthly plane.

I still haven't written that short story, the energy of creation has been at a low ebb for all that time.

I still haven't begun my new job due to subconscious blocking of it - the self destructive behaviours are still running, and it is hopefully going to shift.

"Once you take care of yourself, the other things take care of themselves..." My mentor has been strongly encouraging me to find someone and "have fun". Doesn't have to be a long term relationship, just someone decent to experience that very important part of my life that I haven't yet experienced. Relating to a man without being threatened by his masculinity. Relating to a man like he has a full range of emotions and experiences, just like I do.

But, where would I find such a man? I told my mentor I am not the type who goes on Tinder. He laughed.

The only man who came close this year was the nurse I met in hospital when I went with my aunt. And that meeting was literally three minutes, we both were smitten, he had to leave and I haven't met him since.

They say that you have to do a lot of work in preparation before you are i na place to be with the love of your life, or the lover for that time period.

But what if I arranged to remain single for this lifetime in order to become superly spiritual and amazing in that way, submissive and a powerful healer.

The thing I didn't realise is that, when I am single, I don't really feel that great and I don't feel like going out to help other people lead happy lives! I find my energy levels remain low when I am alone. People don't want to be around me, and I understand why!

Happiness is so key. It isn't found in a person, or an event. It is a frequency, just like beauty, just like clarity.

I watched an Abraham Hicks video today that spoke something similarly.

I have spent my life worrying about the state of the world, that my own life eked away into nothingness. I allowed my mother and my father's harsh and critical words chip away at my self worth, until I became so armoured I couldn't even recognise an ally when he came into my life.

I still blame my parents for not seeing me in a more positive light, but what does that do except allow them more power over me?

There are no more pedestals for teachers. We all are on equal playing fields. I am very much allowed to write how my current state is, even if it is heavy. Yet, that doesn't help the reader, does it?

So being single isn't conducive to my health, physical, mental, emotional, and definitely spiritual. Being desperate isn't conducive to anyone, either!

I have to let go. Of everything that isn't really true for me.

What is true for me is that, rather than looking to my mentor like a hungry woman in need of feeding, I have to ability to look within and find all those qualities within.

I find the truth in Rumi's sayings, but I have stopped living them in my own life.

As for this same old blog, with the same old circling material, I am unsure how to end it or progress forward with it.

It is a way for me to process my own stuff, and perhaps learn from it somehow. Maybe this one needs retiring. Divine timing means I will become the writer I wish to be when it is time.

The funny thing about my mentor is that the twin flame energy will burst forth when you need triggering. He reminds me so much of my ex, and it is good for this for my own growth.

Any desires I had to be with the twin (a lot of people keep saying the eclipses are going to bring truth to the forefront and no denying it, blah blah) has been dissipated after my interaction with the mentor. For it is interesting that I can't allow him to help me. That I became a bit sullen and withdrawn, when I don't wish to be. I wish to be as positive in mindset as he is.

And this is just a relative, a cousin, a soul mate, a teacher.

How on earth would I be able to cope with the real deal if I have not healed all I thought I had? Not really an option.

Well, I didn't meditate. But I did write.

Oh my Soul, let's change this to a lighter life. One whereby you actually remember what it feels like to have genuine fun, and you have it often! This continual spiral of ascension energies and tiring yourself out, it's no longer necessary. You don't have to prove you're more spiritual than anyone else. Because you aren't.

Practicality demands that you focus on finding a soul mate to live a good life with, so you can feel happy inside and spend quality time with a new loving male soul, unattached, without all the karmic sludge all previous relationships have had, and that means changing all the contracts and allowing the romantic karma to be healed in some other lifetime.

You are not strong enough, and this isn't working any longer.

"Learn to be Merciful to yourself..."

The minute you try to seek another person's approval, whether it be a mentor or a friend or a family member, or even a reader, you have given away all of your power once more and this will continue until you stop it.

So stop allowing it to happen.




This is probably going to be my last blog post on this blog for a while.

We shed the old and useless coping strategies and seek a purer way of being. I know how to write these things, but I am not incorporating them in my essence, my being. I am a husk. All that is false has been stripped away, and all of the hidden layers are now being shown so they can also be ripped away.

I thought I was doing okay on my spiritual journey, and my earthly journey, but I am not!

It is always a learning process. For me, I need to stop. And take stock. And take care of myself.

I can't go around with the mindset of saving or healing the world. It no longer is required, for everyone is waking up.

The divine masculine is now waking up, I am seeing it in my own family: my cousins, my father, my mentor, my friends and my counsellor.

No more feminine sacrifices needed or desired.

Twinned Souls, an unfinished story

Twinned Souls

an unfinished story (quite literally and metaphysically!)

Ruhy carefully stared at the palms of her hands. 

She turned them upside, and then the other side round, waving her fingers gracefully, as she had seen a talented kathak dancer do on stage at the British Museum many years ago. They were once again red with a rich, earthy smelling henna. 

She had patiently allowed the mehendi lady to choose a paisley rich pattern for her, and laboriously squiggle the light brown liquid over her palms up to her elbows. There was a part of her that snapped at her irritably, “Why are you giving into their demands all over again, like a bachhi? Keep your dignity and your power as far as you can.” 

Yet the truth was, she really loved the ritual of applying henna to her hands, to her feet, and had even calmly requested a tetrahedron tattoo on her left upper arm. It would all wash off in a couple of weeks, yet there was a graceful death of the patterns. She would keep the original paste overnight, sleeping with cellophane wrap around her hands and feet to keep it in place. Her mother would insist on a sugar water solution to dab on it (even though there was no evidence of it improving the quality of colour at all). In the morning, she would wash off the dried, dull brown to reveal a brazen deep orange on her hands, emitting a musky scent.

“Ahhhhh! There are some things about Indo-Pakistani-East African Khoja culture that I just love, I can’t help it!” she thought to herself as she languished diagonally upon the bed, swimming her hands like fish and flaking some of the paste onto the white bedspread. 

The room she was staying in was quiet, and therefore loud in silence. The dust fell in tiny specks onto the thick carpeted floor, and the lazy afternoon sun was gliding in a slant across the opposite wall.

There was a gentle knock on her door, and then it opened. 

Mahdi poked his head through, smiling and showing his gleaming white teeth. It was amazing how easily he would smile these days. “All done? Can I see it?”

Ruhy rolled over into a seated pose. “Yup. How are you coping? Are you okay? Have they driven you nuts yet? I have already shouted at my mother a few times, and I feel very ashamed about it, but it just…”

“… it just comes out?” he laughed. “Ruhy, you can only use that excuse another 5 times, and then it becomes obsolete! You know better than that.” 

He sat down next to her, and took her hands into his. He took a whiff of the scent and twisted his nose and quickly looked away. “Yuck! I honestly do not understand how you women love this mehendi stuff. It stinks so badly! I like the pattern, though. Very artistic.” 

“Thank you ji. I approve of your approval. You're stuck with the stink, as you call it, for the enxt two weeks, buddy. So suck it up!" She playfully teased him by sliding one palm all over his face, and he recoiled in mock horror. They both began giggling uncontrollably.

"So, tell me. How are you coping with everything?”

He was silent for a long minute, as his body language softened a little. He leaned closer to her, and placed his somewhat heavy head on her shoulder. She let out a little sigh. She really felt this sense of being at home when he let down his barriers and showed her his vulnerable side. 

“I dunno. I really don’t. I mean, I have been to Iraq, Saudi and Iran, and other places, so it’s not as though I am inflexible in that way. But being here in Karachi, it’s something I haven’t done before. It’s a learning curve, definitely. It’s just a different place. Your family is also quite different, the people are very different. It feels a bit heavy, though, do you feel like that? I find myself struggling to think straight sometimes.”

She nodded silently. Yes, she could feel the dense, heavy, sometimes manic energy of the city, with its billions of people leading very busy, cacophonic lives, unmindful perhaps of the other realities that were just as apparent to her as this one. She still didn’t understand how she had lived here her entire childhood, and had survived it to the extent, she had many happy memories. 

“Yeah, I can’t understand how you lived here for so long. You don’t fit in here at all! I know I don’t!” he almost purred like a tomcat. “I mean, your cousins, I get on with, some are intelligent to, as are your uncles. They are very amiable. And sane. But other than that…” 

“Yeah, well, as I’ve said, in Pakistan, there are so many paradoxes, it does your head in sometimes. The most generous people in their nature, especially in Ramadhan, yet sometimes they can behave as the most ignorant in words and actions. It’s crazy, chaotic, and I never found my footing here at all. I love this country with my heart, yet I don’t have the inner strength to live here. Not in Karachi, at least. My friend Redha… you met him... lived in Lahore for a year, and says that’s the best city in the world. I haven’t been to Lahore yet. It will be fun for us to go together after our nikah! A relief from all of this bakwaas, to be honest.”

Mahdi moved so that he was lying on the bed and his head was now in Ruhy’s lap. Ruhy was finding it difficult to keep her hands straight and aloft above his torso as the henna dried, but she didn’t say anything, in case it triggered one of Mahdi’s dangerous sulks and silences. 

Twin soulmate ducks

                                                             *******

so my story needs to be something else

I have come across a short story competition. It is not the first time I have, yet now is the time for me to write once more. My ego is slowly (or rapidly, depending on the perspective) allowing the light to come through and for me to be back on track.

The point of this, as always, is not the short listing, of the thousand pound prize.

it is that I am getting to become alive once more.

A ten year death is along time to be dead, not alive, aware and also unawake.

Ten years, a lot has not happened to me. A lot has happened to others, and I sat by in the wings, watching them move from strength to strength, all the while chipping away at any self respect and assurity I had. The heaviness in my brain and in my heart was just massive for years, and some days in the last three weeks, it has been the same.

I have been under a self imposed house arrest that seems very indulgent. But I honestly do not know where to go, what to do. Why run after things if you know you won't progress?

Ever since I told him to leave me be if he can't find the courage to talk to me, he is constantly around me in the ether. I can feel his soul near mine, again. Sometimes, it merges. Not because either of us want it consciously, but my soul knows she has delayed her kundalini for a long time and it is no longer acceptable.

My life and experiences are of the mundane type, not the kind that I would announce to the world. I am more old school, I preferred the days we wrote letters to each other, I crave the time when I used to type on a typewriter.

I am remembering my mother's side of the family a lot more. I miss my grandparents, they were not afraid of showing me love.Tears fall down my cheeks at night as I remember the feeling of security wrapping around me like a blanket with my nana.

So, the real world, with all of its issues and challenges hits us in the groin every day. And I may have gone back into some sort of denial or avoidance in order to keep afloat for this time.

2017. Easier year. In the sense I can breathe, and my twin finally communicated some semblance of sense to me, so I know that I wasn't insane for seen years. I am remembering who I am, and seeing old friends dying out of my life, never to return - yet, I am alright with it at some level.

For the one who created such a complicated portrait will need to make some essential edits, or they are made by the Universe. I didn't end my friendship with N, he did. And in a rude manner. As someone else had said, I ain't got no time for that no mo'.

So, this short story.

I opened up a blank new sheet and the twin story poured out. I have written the ending. It wrote itself years ago, when I was unawake yet craving to become a famous and celebrated, adored author.

Up until this morning, I thought that would be my contribution to humanity. My twin soul story.

And then I wrote on paper (as my cousin has told me to do daily for ten minutes, along with meditation) and this is what my soul said, higher self, someone.

"it is not as though he wishes to leave her .. 5 saal jo saath mein guzre hain ... so he met her in? 2003? or 2006? 9 years, f***.

"i can't compete with 9 years.

"i can't write about someone i don't know,
something i haven't experienced
 at least in this life time

"he hides from me because he hides from himself
"over the last few years, I closed off myself because it was not helpful

"even if he had dreams, why are the others ridiculing him?
I didn't ridicule him...

"so my story needs to be something else...

So, since my story will be something that I actually have experienced, and since this particular story is more fantasy and more sadness than triumph, I have asked for guidance on what to write about, from the title to the form, to the actual scene and words.

I've lived in four different countries, have visited 5 others, I am sure somewhere inside of me there is a little treasure trove of snippets that weave a story fit for consumption for the masses.

i am aware that my introversion makes my writing very specific, and the severe depressive episodes means that my writing has been very negative. It is the result of unprocessed emotions, Scorpio energy, and just a lack of being engage inside of my own life.

You know you need to address your internal energy when you stop going out because people are beginning to annoy and aggravate you again. Pushing and shoving with such disrespect.

I have decided that, irrespective of whatever is going on with me, I shall go to the park today. Say merhaba to my arkadaslar orduklar.

The river Wandle has been so very healing for me, I sometimes can sense a faeirie presence around me and I express my gratitude that the world of the unseen is once more opening up for me. You come to a point where you just write what you need to, say what you need to, and trust that it makes sense to someone.

The world of blogging that I tried to enter into last year, I wasn't ready and I still felt I needed to remain superficial, and hide. To post every week, manage the posts and the audience.

But, tell me, would a free soul, a Sufi, one humbled towards the universe, really expect such continuity? Maybe that is why I am more a story teller than a blogger.

My posts are dark, and sometimes very furious.

I saw an article yesterday by The Independent, informing us, oh by the way, a huge iceberg has just sectioned off and broken away from the Antartic. I looked at the article and wrote, what can I say?

We just stand and watch Pacha Mama transform. There are those of us who have the energy to stand up and do something, whether it be bringing supplies out the homeless after fire breaks out.

And some of us, such as myself, wish to be there, but have difficulty getting out of bed (again).

So even the ifre against the world and it's chaos has died out. We stand and we observe.

My cousin helped me a lot in the last two weeks, healing me and supporting me as much as he could. He still hides from me as well, I think yeh koi khandani bimaari hai in my soul family, hiding from each other so we can't trust one another fully. We don't know how to be fully and truly vulnerable, and more importantly, to be okay with it.

He told me the following, and I accepted it without a fight:

I have decided to publish in a separate post what I wrote in my first draft for the short story. If this is the only place I have to unpack all the baggage before I can truly become a writer someone wishes to read, so be it .

We are always growing, always unpacking.

I can no longer pretend I will ever become perfect, but I can allow myself my own self acceptance of who I am and where I am at this precise moment.

And I dedicate this to all of humanity, so we all learn this now.

Make everything in you an ear | Jalaluddin Rumi

Make everything in you an ear,
each atom of your being
and you will hear in every moment
what the source is whispering to you
without the need for my words
or anyone else’s.

You are, we all are, the Beloved of the Beloved.
And in every moment, in every event of your life
The Beloved is whispering to you exactly
what you need to hear and know.
Who can explain this miracle?
It simply is.

Listen, and you will discover in every passing moment.
Listen, and your whole life will become a conversation
with that between you and the Beloved
directly
wordlessly
now and always.
~ Rumi

If it were easy to believe what you believe... | Curated post

“Greetings. We are the Arcturian Council. We are pleased to connect with all of you.

In the awakening process, you usually encounter some resistance from outside of you. This may come from friends or family members. It may be that you are leaving behind a faith and those who still believe in that particular faith are upset. Whoever it is that is resisting your awakening process, they are doing so because you asked them to before you incarnated.

You wanted to have a voice of dissent in your circle because you need that in order to solidify what you are moving towards. Sometimes you need someone else to resist you so that you can dig in your heels and be absolutely certain that you are moving in the right direction for you. You don’t have to take anyone with you on your journey, but many of you want to bring your friends and family members along because it can be a lonely ride.

You can find yourself wanting to connect with other individuals who know what you know, and it may be challenging for you to locate those individuals, especially if you live in a small town. Again, the process of awakening as an individual is something that you choose to do in spite of the opposition. Even though it would be easier for you just to remain as you were before your awakening, and it would be easier to fit in, you must be certain that you are on the right path for you.

If it were easy to believe what you believe because it was some sort of trend, then it would also be easy for you to abandon it. The sacrifices that you make to be different are necessary for you to be certain that you are following something that is coming from within you, something undeniable.

Your awakening can be messy and challenging, and can leave you feeling alone, rejected, and abandoned. But what you gain in the process is so worth it. You gain more of yourself. You gain a deeper connection to Source, to the universe, and to all of the other beings who are awakened within it. You create a network that spans the globe, creating a grid of energy so that others may join you when they are ready.

We are the Arcturian Council, and we have enjoyed connecting with you.”

- Daniel Scranton

http://danielscranton.com/