Re-Engagement Of Self

Solstice energies. I never really understood in my soul what these energies meant. I mean, I went to Avebury a few years ago for solstice, then went somewhere else to honour it. All that happened was heatstroke and, more importantly, the fact my ego was forcing me into doing these rituals that others seemed to master so well, yet my core issues had not been healed.

The day before solstice, was one of the hottest days in London. My mind felt it had melted, and funnily enough, as it melted, the heart was expanding. I have times when my heart is very open and the energy flows. And I also have times whereby my heart is closed, because the pain is there from various instances. People behave in such bizarre ways, it is just easier to block it all out.

What I needed to do is re-engage with myself. I have spoken to many people to figure out various instances in my life. What I have noticed is that everyone has their individual perspective.

And they are all, of course, spiritual people. Yet, we all are students of life, and our intuition doesn't give us that personal perspective that only a soul can truly know for itself.

So, I had to speak my truth to the twin flame. He had looked at my LinkedIn profile again on the 19th, and it hurt my heart. I am aware of what is going on, and he is oblivious. And it is, once again, the relationship you would never brag about. Never. It is something I never imagined to experience and pray that this phase ends on this last holy night of Ramadhan.

The Lord who created everything is truly very merciful. We cannot stress that enough.

Humans are humans, and even the older souls have certain complexes they are working through.

I had two healings on Friday, and on days when I find really lovely, genuine shamans and healers, I feel so blessed. I feel as though the universe allows me a peek into family and flow.

I said I needed to re-engage back into my life, as I feel disconnected very much so from almost every area of life.

It is not easy balancing becoming a sufi and remaining true to the authentic essence of the faith I chose to be born into - which is NOT a mistake - and balancing the healer, shamanic side of my light.

It is becoming clear I will be merging them both to bring light and healing and harmony and joy.

How this will come to pass is not my concern. My concern is self purification.

I broke my fast today at 3pm because I didn't want to be the only one not eating at a shamanic meet up and picnic. I feel that my empowerment needs work, as I have been very used to stating that ancestry has slowed me down.

But my tarot reading today told me that there is no mistake. Re-engaging with my ancestry seems to be the only way for my healing. Not denying what these roots are, these bones are. Owning it and allowing myself to be respected and loved and cherished.

One step at a time...

I just need to feel the energy in my hands and fingers all over again. I can feel the earth beneath my feet again, and was able to communicate truly with people today.

I may even go for Eid prayers tomorrow, and that makes me feel very happy.

The Sufi healer had told me I have three ruhaani inside of me, two were active and love listening to dhikr, yet one was very weak and needed to energise.

I let that be sorted out by the Creator of all things...

The night of Eid is very special for karma deleting and soul purification, so I will leave you, dear reader, to pray and spend time in reflection and solitude.

Re-Engagement of the Self is what will bring me towards fulfillment and peace.

It seems that I will need to spend time alone for this to happen, and then engage with the right people at the right time.

It is a great blessing that I now no longer feel that gnawing loneliness I used to feel only a few months ago whilst alone, or missing out on events, or healing evenings due to financial budgeting. It is because I am allowing myself to become whole, and more of my soul to come inside.

This is how it ought to be for everyone, yet we each take such meandering pathways...

More reflections will come forward.

Creating Impeccable Etheric Boundaries

---- BOUNDARY BEGINS HERE ----

I have a very profound confession to make.

Firstly, this confession is to myself, to all the fragments and parts of me who were relying on me as an adult to take care of myself. I haven't been taking care of you as you deserve, and for that I am truly sorry.

I have had very weak boundaries, or very strong barriers. There was no median.

When it came to people I love, my boundaries have become so weak, they have had many opportunities to emotionally blackmail me, diverting me from my path and, changing the course of my entire destiny.

I was meant to go to my cousin's engagement on Sunday, and I had been looking forward to it. My father pulled a back muscle on Saturday night and was in agony, I couldn't get the ibruprofen until Sunday morning and then he kept telling me he needed me to be home, in case of an emergency. It was his own stubbornness and lack of exercise that caused this, and he knew I had a meditation and engagement to attend. Guilt and patriarchal expectations interfered with my desires, and I stayed at home. I was unhappy about this, deeply unhappy.

I have promised myself to not repeat this kind of behaviour ever again.

On my birthday in April, I was so sick I didn't leave my bed all day. It was also coincidentally Easter Sunday this year. My father spent all day in his room, watching TV or listening to the radio or napping. He didn't even come to ask me if I had eaten any food, and I had no energy to get up. He re-enacted the same behaviour on Monday, yet it seems I am expected to leak my energy out to him, and to all males and females, without any question when the roles are reversed.



This is a difficult incarnation. I have a friend who envies me my UK citizenship and the fact that I finally escaped Pakistan and have been living here for 7 years. What this friend somehow refuses to acknowledge is that she has had many good experiences whilst living in Pakistan that I may never get to experience in this life time. Tings which make life richer and more meaningful, such as getting married, being in a relationship with someone who loves you, doing a Masters degree, earning a good living according to your talents as a psychologist and workshop leader, travelling with people as compared to travelling all alone. Functional, she even knows how to drive a car. There are many good points, and I pray that she recognises them all, when she is also taking stock at all the suffering she has gone through in life.

She also, having all of a sudden switch to disbelieving certain esoterical occurrences, denies that my having entity attachments in my brain and heart and womb since birth have had any influence upon my life whatsoever. I couldn't get out of bed at one juncture. All the friends I had, left.

Even now, I hardly get much respect from the friends I do have. It is, as my counsellor reminds me, I just have high expectations about human behaviour and interactions. if someone doesn't reply to a message I spent a good hour typing and heaps of energy and love on, maybe it isn't the fact that they are fighting their own demons, as a saying of Imam Ali was suggesting to me. Maybe it isn't that they are being rude, or that I need to feel insulted. I can feel hurt, and and I can feel anger.

"Maybe, just maybe, he's just an a**hole and that's all there is to it. It is what it is."

I stared at my counsellor in surprise before bursting into a wry smile.

"Yeah, maybe he just is an a**hole. I didn't really think along those lines. Because if I do, I will need to forgive myself for 7 long wasted years of hoping for a functional friendship with this person."

"From what you've told me about him, it doesn't seem like you were compatible, and you didn't get any benefit from him."

And, just like that, the real nature of a twin flame connection was unravelled and smashed to the floor, yet also acknowledged.

Energy leaks. Weakened boundaries.

Why am I mentioning this ex person yet again? I had finally uncorded, forgotten him and forgiven him. Then he wrote me a message that he wrote in a selfish moment, only thinking of himself, his comfort, his ego that needed a furious stroking in troublesome, uncertain times.

Once again, the narcissism in him refused to allow that perhaps, this was something he needed to keep quiet about, and chin up and carry on. Make the most of decisions, and let the poor girl BE.

Not to write 5 lines that would most definitely bring up some heavy grief and other emotions inside of me, just to rehash the past: in essence, he resurrected an almost dead mule.

Yet, that is what he chose to do. I, in my good mood, chose to respond with kindness and light banter at the earliest moment, so that I was just being a decent person to someone who meant a lot to me at a more innocent, clueless time in life.

The message has most certainly been read, yet this ex has chosen to not respond in the last three weeks. I know he wasn't in Manchester on 22 May, and so, he just doesn't see me worthy of responding to. If he misunderstood anything I worte, or if I sounded as though I was criticising him, then we can always clarify things. But, only, and only if, the person doesn't have major blocks, fear or some sort of ego agenda blocking him from behaving with kindness. This is the behaviour I am used to, and so it is taken in my stride, in the same manner we expect a Conservative government to blast us with unpalatable rhetoric.

I say all of this with compassion and love as the foundation. People are pure as souls, their behaviour is their responsibility. I hope I never become the type of person who is fake and diplomatic for the sake of being diplomatic. If someone tells you the truth with kindness, they truly value and respect you.

Rejection and non response has been a repeated behaviour over the last 7 years, which used to send such chills down my spine, make me cry nights and seek for forgiveness from God for past sins (which there are, of course.).

He corded back into me, and was constantly in my thoughts up until last Saturday. Up until I realised I needed to do something, because my entire week was wrecked as a result.

A friend called this classic textbook energy vampirism. And you know what the funny part is? I never, ever, ever recognised that this guy was sucking my energy for the last seven years.

I didn't feel he ever had a need to do it.

I felt that, as a soul mate, twin flame, there would never be any temptation to ruin me like this. He has absolutely everything going for him in the physical and material planes, including a wifey to take care of him. He has family, God and friends who are supportive, and his colleagues and maangers constantly rave about his professionalism at work on LinkedIn.

Yet, that is how it felt up until I did some powerful meditations to cut all cords and never allow anyone to do it to me again.

Becasue, trust me on this, I will fight this behaviour until they all leave me alone and stop cording into my energy circuits. All of them, every single one. I am also returning the favour tenfold.

In my utter naivete and not truly understanding the darkness of karmic relationships, I had attributed a lot to one person, yet didn't realise that the reason I feel so icky around the ex, and drained, and a bit doomed, is literally because he has been subconsciously draining me up until a year ago.

It is a very common human pattern. I have done the same, yet I will mention that had I known any better, I would never have drained another person's energy. But I didn't know anything, and so I owe many people my sincere apologies for doing so - I had very little energy inside of me due to massive soul loss. And this was the old way of doing things.

I expect that the ex still has substantial soul loss, and until he finds someone to help him recover them, a proper healer and shaman, or whichever method works for him, he won't know how to expand through this. Fortunately, it is not my duty or responsibility to provide any such services for anyone, until I have learned how to do it for myself. And even then, he is no longer my responsibility, because he gave up that privilege 7 years ago.

What's worse is that the entire Matrix feeds off of our light, too. There were phases in my life where I couldn't get George W Bush, Tony Blair or David Cameron's awful rhetoric about scroungers out of my mind, and it impacted on the huge delay on my applying for social welfare. So I was living in near poverty due to some posh Eton graduate voicing his extremely biased and false opinions about poor people. As well as not having any family or friend to help me fill in the form and take me to the JobCentre, when I was truly unable to cope with all of it.

Theresa May is doing something eerily similar, and it's taken a lot of courage and strength from within, plus looking to others who are more sane, to ensure that I don't fall for their false rhetoric and negative NLP and hypnosis techniques.

 _____________________________________________________________

We constantly allow others to dominate us, make us tame our responses, then we apologise when we don't meet their expectations, even though I am sure 90% of the time, I had no real desire to placate someone else's expectations.

It is a fact that hardly anyone meets my expectations, and so when they do it is a bonus. So why would I feel I needed to do the same, just because I am slightly more awakened than the other person, and have a little bit more healing ability than they? Everything else has been so variable, if I mentioned it more, it would turn into a proper whinging session!

All I've ever wanted to do since age 14 in high school in Karachi, sitting alone in the library at lunch time, is to excel in my skills, talents and abilities, to have the freedom to an active, good, intriguing life, to be free to travel and enjoy the blessings of this planet Earth, to help people who need support in the best way I can. I wanted to promote myself with confidence, to have some good friends who were reliable and relatively sane, and whereby the understanding was impeccable amongst us. I wanted to attend friends' weddings and celebrate the good stuff with them, their children.

I wanted a cat. I still haven't managed to even foster a cat!

There is so much that needs doing, I want to study for my Masters degree in this very life time, as well.

All those ambitions were made to collapse in 2010, when I fell in love with someone with profound soul loss, so I called him a phantom.

"You never trusted me. You never confided in me. You never respected me and you most certainly never loved me. What was there to marry?"

He may be an a**hole, and yet I am finally in a solid place to have so much compassion for him. He is not all there, and, as a result, his soul feels lost and doesn't know what his true reality is. Who he truly is, what is authentically him. There are not many people who know this, so he is definitely in good company. There are many challenges. Like my soul challenges, his soul challenges are stronger in energy than his talents, so it might or might not work out. Save for the grace of God.

I just assumed because he was a Shia Muslim, he would have some sort of sanity and compassion, some sort of humility and masculinity inside of him, a fatherly energy, that there would be some similarity and point of connection.

But I must realise that when a boy grows up knowing his father wasn't a good husband or father, and the father leaves when he is 8 years old, there are some very dark samskaras there. Wounds. Unhealed, still.

And, so, I continue to pray for him and for his younger selves.

Now I realise that the religion was his only saving grace, and it was programming that brought us together in a warped mutual attraction/repulsion cycle. If he didn't know certain Arabic phrases, washed after using the toilet and prayed 5 times a day and fasted, I would never have gone near him after the first connections.

It certainly helps that he is very attractive as a man, yet I have met other men after him with very similar features. The most recent was a nurse in an NHS hospital, who was actually kind and radiating such a beautiful light, I could only stare and smile at him in love and awe. There are good, sane people around, once we open up our fields to welcome them in!

If there are misunderstandings through the typewritten word, all that a mature soul needs to do is pick a up a phone and have a direct conversation. But if you only seek to suck the life out of a fellow soul, a female, a creature of God, an earth angel (if you will indulge me on this one), a shamanic healer due to past lives following a similar trajectory, well, this is my time for proper redemption and those boundaries are now very protected.

Sometimes, we allow people get away with a lot and we don't understand why. And then we cause havoc with others who nurtured us when we were little, and are finding it difficult at losing a daughter and gaining an awakened soul.

This needs to be re-balanced to help everyone separate the codependency and vampirism, and move into real ownership and the willingness to be left isolated, abandoned so we can face all the false fears.

The only genuine fear is fear of the unknown, and fear of death - which end up being the same fear. All other fears, traumas, complexes stem from that one fear. Trust me, I am deeply intimate with most fears known to man. I think my soul had fun experiencing all of it, as though living in the heavens had made me forget what it was like to be so basic and so helpless.

I am beginning my journey into shamanism, and Serpent direction (South) is the one where we really address the past, especially if we haven't before then. I thought I had, but this last month has shown me there is a lot that wasn't addressed.

A lot of illusions are being shown to me. A lot of shackles that the family and culture and religion and even people from university are seeking to put back upon me, every time I take them off.

It is almost relentless.

New Age websites and books don't mention this sometime relentless undertaking of the same patterns and shifting the same patterns.

It is a very good exercise in humility, yet I promise you, I will hopefully overcome all of this really sickening density. It makes me sick to my stomach some days, and then I have to use sea salt to detox.

These are interesting times, I only wish I had made a better future for myself than the one I am experiencing at this time.

Although I no longer subscribe to the holy book, it does mention that we all will be tried by the things we desire or love.

To keep faith and hope in these trying times, individually, nationally, globally - that is the grit the Creator is developing within us. To create a pearl.

My aim in the last 11 days and nights of the holy month of Ramadhan is to clear and heal and ensure I have impeccable auric and etheric boundaries, as well as physical and everything else.

I deserve nothing less than the respect and love I desire, the abundance I desire.

And so, we unravel everything inside of me that needs unravelling and create a more synchronous life.

Beginning now.

the way the Serpent sheds her skin // All in one go

Every night is sacred

The holy nights revered in the Qur'an begin from tonight
The heavens open for changing the inner turmoil
Clearing the density
Healing the wounds
Opening up to truth
Switching to a better loving timeline for ALL of us

These nights are coinciding with the solstice
They are nights of power

I was asked if I was going to pray for everyone
Inside of a mosque

I am home
Seeking to make my entire being a masjid
A sacred place
Visited by the angels, guides and light beings tonight
And perhaps visiting sacred beings and places multidimensionally

If you feel the Void between you and Creator
Ask the Creator to fill it
Clear the obstacles to Union with self, God, divine and others

Clear the religious programming for it really doesn't serve my spirituality.
Only those who Know, are aware of the paradoxical nature of my request.

I had gone to a Sufi centre on Saturday, and even there, I did not find my answer.
I found tears, prayer, and acceptance that
the shamanic way can mean being alone and
I am becoming the path I sought through others.

The whirling occurs within my cells, and within my soul.

Take me tonight, Lord, in full surrender
and also in full empowerment, so that when I wake,
I am as you like and all the old useless patterns unravel fully.

As for those who suffer, those who have placed darkness upon their heads
and inside their eyes, when there used to be Light,
I acknowledge their paths.

As for those souls who are in perpetual chaos (and there are too many to mention),
bring peace, homes, security, understanding and grace.

May our hearts open so we feel when a child in Iraq
is screaming at the dead body of women and children,
to the background of fires ablaze.

May we feel we are one.

There are many prayers in the hearts tonight.
Some are very personal and aimed for one's avatar existence.
Some are for all.
Some are whispered by the multidimensionality of existence.

Bless us with insight and wisdom. Alignment back to our spiritual path, and our worldly paths.
Let us not underestimate each other and may we cease to see as only human,
but also through the eyes of the divine.

Let us forgive and shed the past, the way the Serpent sheds her skin.
All in one go.

كن فيكون
Some mistakes are made daily, some so serious, they rip the fragmented universe into more fragments.


انسان خطكار هي

Bless all the teachers and saints, and allow the old contracts to end in love and new ones made that are good.

We seek the best, or even better.

May those who seek to attack the Light, be confused and distracted by their own selves and lives.

It has gone on for far too long, and a lot of talent has been abused, misused and wasted.

Forgive us our mistakes by guiding us towards impeccable living and guidance...

Let those who see this place as a place of suffering, be shown otherwise.

It will certainly make my relationships easier!