Delaying my healing has had major consequences

I don't trust myself to write or communicate these days. I cannot even remember when was the last moment I felt inspired to write something that would inform or heal, either myself or another.

I have been made to realise that any excitement I felt last year regarding blogging or growing was just the build up of more illusions to be cracked open.

The last two months have been a real struggle. The interesting thing I find about living this human life is that you can be submerged in a very dark place, and yet it will feel normal and bearable until one day, it isn't any longer.

You can feel so devoid of pleasure in the small things in life, or in yourself or in the work that you are doing - and that feels like the norm. Why? Because you look at the devastation being wreaked world over and therefore in your own life and see that as the only way things are meant to be for very long.

There is a lot happening on this planet right now that is something we are being forced to experience and to witness, just as though the Universe hired someone to perversely smack a wet smelly fish in your face every day.

I used to be proud of being "English", "British", "Western" because of the way they programme you to differentiate yourself from another and then somehow either feel inferior or superior as a result.

I am looking at the systemic raping of the UK by people who are insane and entirely disconnected from their true divine souls. The people on TV have no light emanating from their eyes.

I wish to ignore them in order to remain sane, and then I hear about another ridiculous piece of legislation being passed so that people effectively are murdered in Calais and Germany due to the freezing conditions, whilst those bloody Canary Wharf apartments are still empty.

But to follow every single minutae of the 3D conscious fighting like a dying pig to stay alive, is to ensure that I will undo any good work I have done in my own life.

The two eclipses have happened and apparently, these ones will allow us to heal whcih means facing the shadow.

What are my shadows? A lot of self harm. Loads. Ensuring that I don't experience joy and that I experience much delay in my life towards beauty and grace.

I cannot answer why this is the case. It is not as though I did not try.

I went for a shamanic soul retrieval with someone in 2015 and a past life regression in 2016. On hindsight, I really ought to have done a second soul retrieval instead of being bogged down with the mystique of finding out past life trauma. Because niether of those actually helped me in reality. In spite of the integrity of the women who did the ceremonies.

What I had forgotten to ask was whatever is the crux of the matter, let that come to light and be healed.

So any of the healings I went to never really addressed what the core was.

And, frankly, that has angered me to such a degree. At first, I was going to complain that I went to the wrong people. But, it turns out, it was my subconscious that ensured I was in 7 years of what I can only describe is hell.

Not wanting to be on the planet and wanting to leave, but not being able to. Living a half existene with almost zero energy.

So I was told I had major soul fragmentation. And this was all the way in December and I STILL delayed my healing until last week.

Another shaman, another one-to-one healing. This guy was the real deal and had been highly recommended as a top class entity remover.

Yes, I will be mentioning the fact that I have been plagued by entities sucking my divine light for a long time. It is not uncommon and the more it is normalised, the less people such as myself will delay their removal.

We had a good chat, I felt comfortable telling him and he said, we don't have to choose which to do first - we'll do both.

I lay down and was beaten by reeds and rattles and some beautifully scented rose water thrown upon me.

The thing about shamanic journeying is that somehow I have never gotten any visuals at all for what is going on energetically.

And now apparently, I am free. They were sucking my energy dry and it is testament to how storng I am that i was still sort of functioning in spite of all of that.

The soul loss has been substantial. From ages 4 - 24, I lost even more of myself every two years.

Due to my self hatred and fear of accepting my power.

I have been in a weird state for the last week and since somethings seem to be shifting yet for the most part nothing has, I doubt if I allowed myself to be healed.

I have noticed certain changes in myself: I am not feeling so weighted in the head or shoulders any longer. I am able to remain more stable emotionally and see things more rationally, as well as with love.


Then the eclipse began triggering the shadows like anything.

That it took me by surprise.

This is why I say I can't trust myself to write these days.

In the past, I have been eloquent but always wrote in a heavy, depressed, negative style. So I'd have people I'd consider to be Pollyannas telling me that I need to delete my old social network posts or to stop judgement and criticism.

And it used to really anger me that my work and state wasn't accepted for what it was.

And now, I just have nothing to write.

Anything I write for the short term is just me expressing that which seems so forbidden to express.

Grief, anger, rage, confusion...

I can't trust my reality any longer.

The man I was addicted to like cocaine, I don't feel any love in my heart for him any more. It is worrying to actually dislike him and feel very indifferent. I suppose this is a phase I must go through and take my love to causes that would receive it.

It took me 20 days to reply to his message, when all he is doing is being polite and replying to my initial message. It feels as though my soul has become so bored and weary of the unavoidable karma I'm living through, it can't be bothered to go through the motions.

If it is an illusion and a lie, make that clear and then I move on. We were all born to be truly liberated from all of the dirt and muck. So how long before it actually just shifts?

In another post, I hope to be able to string a post together to emphasise how important it is to begin your healing NOW.

If there's any wisdom to be taken from my experience, it is to face the crap head on and get the shamanic soul retrieval instead of doing superficial healings or self development, being led astray by healers who are confused and sought to confuse you...

Please don't delay your soul healings, your soul retrievals.

Make 2017 the year you stop suffering at a soul level.

Because, believe it or not, once you allow yourself to do the weird shamanic stuff, you set a precedent for all of us to heal, so we can empower ourselves and ensure that the craziness of the world is transmuted into peace and into something that resembles a planet that is loved and respected.

People are just being ignored and abused, and it is done by people who have soul fragmentation to people with the same.

Find a genuine shaman, Someone who ACTUALLY KNOWS what the heck they are doing. I have had my share of narcissistic healers who painted a beautiful scene and ended up having diluted intentions or motives that were not for the benefit for the client.

Of curse, we can safely say that I only attracted those people into my life in accordance with what I was magnetising. And it was pretty awful and painful and entirely unnecessary, but some of us just don't figure these things out until you go through many near death experiences.

What I am currently experiencing as a result of clearing blocks is dreams which have people from the past either crying or re-enacting the horrible karmic incidents as a way to hopefully exorcise myself from the past for good.

It's not a pretty place being where i have been and where I am in now.

Because I also attract the not so nice faces of others as a result of the negativity still releasing from me.

There have been many misunderstandings and secrets being kept. Betrayals that are so lame that I just shake my head at the people I have to complete karma with.

So it seems that I have to begin from the beginning.

But this time, there is no drama required with the regrets, shame, fear, guilt and all the rest of it.

The heartening thing is that I will hopefully choose a better life plan for my next incarnation. This one seems to be written by a horror story enthusiast.

I am aware that this is writing of many strands and we will just accept this as is, a reflection of reality - of what the awakening or ascension process really is like.

It SUCKS, sometimes.

Unnecessary drama and delusion.

I've lost everyone and everything. I lost myself, repeatedly. Now I see the world mirroring the chaos I have been inside for 15 years. Everything that has the potential for good is being used for nefarious reasons, even as far as internet use is being spied on and Facebook and Google recording everything we say via or smartphones and laptops. Cows and goats being raped and tortured in order to feed our inexhaustable craving for milk and dairy. It's as though we never knew that a cow can only give milk when pregnant, therefore she has to be repeatedly raped in roder to give birth and lactate.

It's as though this simple connection slipped our awareness or we conveniently forgot.

And I feel helpless.

Because until I learn how exactly to bring my power back, I am of no use to the world.

What is really concerning me is that a week after having the soul retrievals and everything, I still feel as physically unwell as before. And my mind doesn't seem to compute very well.

I pray other people journeying towards freedom, empowerment and truth are having a better time of this. I'd be happy to follow that path as well.

Finally, my friend took out a card for me to help me face more of my shadow. I had a furiously inappropriate reaction to seeing a man and woman in love interacting with each other in Senate Hall, at SOAS last week. I thought I had made peace with my aloneness and the loneliness. But they were the gift to show how much it hasn't healed.

Logically, how can anyone even expect to fall in love when the world is in need of some real action? And the fact that I can't even maintain a steady job that I actually love?

But that's what's still unhealed. My frequency is still fluctuating and I feel a lot of pain. There is suffering too, which is always not ideal.

I am sure that once I heal this, it will be easier to heal the other stuff.

There's an unbelievable amount of stuff. And nowhere to run at all.


Blessings x

Miracles happen when you gain perspective

The miracles happen when you gain perspective.

When you're on the precipice of actually finally growing up. Or growing. Or morphing.

The miracle is that your intuition kicks in again for the small stuff. You wonder at God's mercy upon you. You wonder at the bizarre nature of the universe.

You wonder at how peaceful your solitude has become and how helpful some healers are. So kind, so humble, so effective in helping you.

The jaw pain is gone. It wasn't mine, it was a cumulative projection of a very nasty nature that tried to kill me for a very long time. I have been weakened to such a degree, everybody whom I thought loved me has written me off.

I wrote myself off. So much so I don't write any longer, because all avenues were shut.

But the blessing of God putting His light inside of you is your ego, which is the inner child, stops craving things. Craving the fame, the celebrity, the fortune, the people.

I thought it would be difficult being fired. It is a release from a hellish situation that compromised my dignity and my energy fields.

In the past, I always assumed my doors were shut when something like this happened.

But no, my heart has been freed from the chains and the burdens of the life I once was forced to lead.

Comparison, competition, banality.

The light pours forth in every pore and I don't allow people to partake of it any longer. They have their own source, they will connect directly.

That has been my missing link. I assumed I had to give and deprive myself.

No. It was fallacy.

A miracle happened to me a few days ago. I crossed the road and saw a dead pigeon on the road, cars driving over it. I walked away at first, but my heart was so soft, so so soft, it has not felt this soft since I used to care for all of my cats in Pakistan.

My heart didn't fear the London public who sometimes really feel like automatic video game characters. Usually I fear the shame of being different, of caring. Of slowing down, stopping and being a feeling human in the grid, breaking up the matrix a little more.

No, my heart couldn't but be kind to the pigeon. It had already died, but of course the body deserves as much respect as we can give. In the middle of a busy street in Euston.

So I waited until the cars drove away, and stepped onto the road and quickly collected the pigeon in my arms. And walked with it, asking myself where would I keep it? I decided to lay it in a flower bed in one of the gardens encircling the School of Oriental and African Sciences and prayed for it's soul. I stroked its feathers could feel the softness, the care with which the Creator had created this precious bird.

We were one, the body was soft and limp, she or he had recently passed.

I wouldn't have done that before the healings. There's always been this thing stopping me from being kind and courageous in that kindness, just being normally who I am.

I have had a rusted heart, dead and conflicted.

So that is my miracle. A soft heart that allowed me, rather compelled me, to pick up a dead animal and show some respect to Life.

"There is no need for communication at this time as you are finally being freed from the shackles that bind you. The reason your friends give you the incorrect answers is to show you what your truth is, where your values lie. They all are in their own headspin. You have gone through that already. They may not see it, but you always knew. You were first in some things, at least. Maybe. Depends which timeline you're in.

We are here in service. We serve the people we serve. If there was stuff done to you, you created it. But God's names are the cure.

When your heart is filled with this bliss, you stop craving people. You care, but Sukaina has stopped clawing and craving and seeking and having energy transfer.

You can appreciate beauty without wishing to own it or even be it.

The glasses will come off more and your sense of being in a video game will stabilise into what it truly is becoming: neutrality. The only reason they intentionally or (being generous) were not shown your real issues is perhaps you had to experience what it feels like to be screwed over so many times by the people. Maybe you did it to others, which you did.

But also, how on earth do we love ourselves as a pure and successful failure? By being one. By failing in every possible way, yet also succeeding. By being surrounded by people who somehow seem more closed in than they were a few years ago. You are more closed in."

What has happened for us in the last ten years?

Did we achieve the soul's growth at a blessed reasonable pace? Because if we didn't, then I want my normal human life back please.

A Sufi healer performed a healing for me, whispered the holy names of the saints and I broke down into tears because of the realisations and power of the words.

Don't make these things mean anything.

We are an ocean. This life is the jagged rocks in the sea, mixed up with beautiful sand.

Perhaps at some point we all will stabilise. Perhaps we will reignite the human values and dignity for which we were sent here to establish. But right now, humans are dying in the freezing cold because we still can't offer our homes or a system whereby everyone has shelter.

Humans are considered dispensible, because apparently there are too many of us here. That is my question: why are so many.... Oh. That's why.

So many are incarnating in this lifetime because it is the age of Aquarius. It will possibly be that once its done, population will shrink and not as many will incarnate.

There will be less need for this many starseeds on earth.

Wow. Makes sense. I hope I'm given permission to stay away for a while




There is no need for communication verbally because you need the time for peace, for love and truth and communion only with Source, who is also known by the beautiful name of Ar- Rabbi.

There will come a time sweetheart when the karma will balance out. You will find the soul friends who will cuddle your heart in the way you wish you could cuddle theirs.

We all are the ocean.

It is a game and if you are able to comprehend, it takes away the pain of others misunderstanding you. Or themselves or life. Or your own misunderstanding of life.

Because we all go through the cycles. And some days things are clear and other days are not.

The miracle is in how easy it is for me now to let go and forget at the end of the day.

Oh no, repeated a mistake. Oh well, didn't learn.

The gashes are more superficial and shallow.

I am becoming more human.

- Sukaina Juma
14/01/2017

Love brings up anything unlike itself | Curated Post

 Sophie Bashford

"Love brings up anything unlike itself." - ACIM

And so, when the Light comes - however it comes - what you have been avoiding, running from, pushing down, numbing, and denying…surfaces.

When the Light comes, it unearths all your fear.

It starts to work on the barriers you have created to avoid accepting your own power.
It brings up everything you wish to avoid looking at.

The myriad ways you allow your ego to control you. The critical, harsh and judgemental voice that convinces you of your inherent unworthiness, your weakness, your failures, your lack of significant meaning in the world.

What difference could you possibly make? Surely it's too risky to put yourself out there and charge the world up with your unbridled and unguarded love?

When the Light comes, it brings up everything that you are at the deepest core of your Soul-Being.
This is a painful experience for many.

It proves to you instantly that you have been settling for far less than your Soul desires.
You may have been pretending that a life of mediocre purpose, mediocre interaction, mediocre connection, mediocre intimacy - is enough.

Mediocrity is not the vibration that you were born to accept.

You are not here to dumb yourself down and follow the herd.
You are here to champion and re-claim a deeper relationship with life.

You are here to connect Soul to Soul with everyone - not ego to ego.

You are here to remember how to be intimate with soul energy, how to hold the heart of another in your hands with compassion and truth, how to create relationships that deeply heal, nurture and revive the spirit.

When the Light comes, it brings up first all the ways in which you have been dancing on the edge of your truth.

You will have to face yourself.

When the Light penetrates, it will reveal everything that is not true.
Light is Truth.
Light is also Love.

The Love reveals where your Soul has been suffocating. At first, you may feel more suffocated as the pain of how you deny your Soul surfaces.

Your ego or personality may react by vehemently defending it's fearful position, it's dogmatic hold on you, it's need to keep you limited.

You, have let the Light in.

You have handed over your life, even if you don't know it, to a Higher Source of wisdom.
This Light is working through you constantly in ways that you don't always perceive.

One day, everything may fall apart, blow up in your face, or become so unbearable that you eventually confess your heart's truth. It becomes all at once too exhausting and impossible to keep all this moving energy inside. It becomes too toxic to remain drowning in the grip of your fear, and the choices you have made from that place of fear.

The Light is here. It has come to lead you firmly to where you belong.
The Light illuminates the darkness and it also holds the keys to lasting freedom. It is everything that you have always been searching for. It is inside you, and yet you had forgotten. It is here for you, and yet you believed you had lost it forever.

It is all you need, because it is the answer to everything.
You are in the Light today.
Say nothing, unless you are guided by the Light.
Do nothing, unless you are guided by the Light.

Let the Light show you where you are most needed, and what is the highest choice for you.
Let the Light unearth your fears, in order to provide the perfect ways to heal them.
When the Light comes, there is nowhere left for you to remain small, mediocre or powerless.
When the Light comes, the music of your Soul begins to play again, and it is irresistible.

The Light brings up what is often painful to face - all that you have been denying, avoiding, resisting and pushing down - and yet the surfacing of this pain is the greatest signal available that soul-rocking growth is about to occur.

- Sophie Bashford

We shall redeem ourselves, bit by bit

May we all find our way. The super full moon tomorrow night is a very powerful one, dredging up a lot of emotions and old things to be released.

Trust that you are beautiful, loved and connected to the divine at all times.

Forgive yourself for your mistakes, as well as those of others.

There will come a time when we will have peaceful nights and rolling waves. Right now, the water is a bit choppy.

Watch your thinking patterns and ask for the rigid and limiting beliefs to dissolve and for them to be replaced with the best possible beliefs about God, yourself and the way life is.

Take every setback and every miscommunication as a gift from the Divine.

Pray. Pray some more. Make time for silence. Your soul has been craving for connection, yet your reluctance to be enveloped in Divine Love makes you shy away from yourself and your heart.

Your big, beautiful heart that loves so much, it would make 70 mothers weep.

I bid farewell to all the attachments of yore. I bid farewell to the old mangled version of who I am and what I could have been. All the yearning and craving I have done this year for things out of my reach, may I integrate the learnings. May we all integrate.

There is such peace and tranquillity to be had within a soul, within the mind and the heart. There are many words to be spoken, written, drawn, danced out.... Everything has a divine origin. Everyone was created from a divine spark.

I have to leave those of us who can't yet continue onwards on the journey. I made the mistake again of staying behind in order to keep connected.

But we all are always connected.

May I personally be able to prostrate upon the sands of Kerbala soon, when the timing is right. May I also have my Lightbody activations done with the right soul. May I be able to leave behind all that just isn't who I am and create all that I wish to create with love, grace, joy and ease.

"When the awakening comes, as it will to all of God's children, it may come as a ray of hope, a flash of intuition or a life-saving warning. Then shall woman kneel and face the Lord with humility, acceptance and love. To recognise the God within, and be a one and in harmony with that vibration is the goal of all........" 16-7 activation transmission 

Light a candle, light some incense and burn all of it away.

Renew.

We each are reborn and each die every night, to be reborn again.

 There are those whom I love and whose presence and smiles I miss, and that is okay.

We move on to a new assignment, a new place. The deal is sealed here. We are complete, mission is complete. The earth is vast and ever welcoming to those who ask for a new place to call "home".
New grid-points need activating and new soul tribe members to be met.

We shall redeem ourselves, bit by bit.

- Sukaina Juma
12/11/2016

Why Men Withdraw Emotionally : Curated Article

This is a curated article from Elephant Journal. I chose to do this because it really is a beautifully written and very expressive piece of work.

As we may not be aware of, the divine feminine is rising and the divine masculine is decluttering the old patriarchal way of being.

We need to learn to be truly compassionate and caring as all of this unravels. It's hardly ever "pretty".

I will however add my own theory that it is no easier for women to access their emotions than men. Emotional intelligence has nothing to do with sex or gender. Women may have an ancestral, genetic advantage in this department, however I know from my own personal experience that it has been so difficult for me to relate emotionally to people and to myself.

I was always the "cry baby" as a child, and so I stopped my tears and swallowed them all in from a very young age, creating a series of dysfunctional thought patterns, belief and behaviours as a result. Anger is an emotion that few Muslim families, and in my experience East African Asian families, tolerate well in young females, and that is another emotion of mine that has been suppressed and I am working on at the moment.

Emotional intelligence is something that is both learned and also some have an innate capacity to thrive in that area, others do not.

I, for one, know of a few men who are way advanced in their emotional intelligence than I anticipate to be for a while. They may have more of a divine female/sacred masculine balance inside themselves. The interesting commonality amongst them are that they all have been brought up in a balanced Islamic way, they all married early on in life to women they obviously loved and they have children.

This is not to say, of course, that is all that contributed to their emotional awareness, as one of them meditates regularly. However, in my narrow sphere of social contacts, this is what I have observed. I am excited to meeting more people to see what other commonalities they might have (apart from all of them being very beautiful healers in the very real sense of the term - they give a lot of love generously.)

A male or masculine body does not automatically equal that energetically, and vice versa.

A woman can have a lot of testosterone in the system (and there will be other psychological and energetic causes) and energetically come across as very masculine and unable to process emotions accordingly.

With all those little additions of mine, this is an article I really needed to come across today, as I am now meeting men with whom I am reconnecting with or making new friendships with and they all seem extremely eloquent online.

Because my intention is to have friendships and relationships that last the long term, I need to understand how to interact with the human male species.

And maybe even go out on a few dates here and there, without my entire nervous system going into panic mode due to very extreme and painful past experiences!

****

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/02/why-men-withdraw-emotionally/

Why Men Withdraw Emotionally
Via Keith Artisan
on Feb 3, 2014

In a relationship, having your partner withdraw at an emotional level can bring confusion, pain and frustration.

Women who relate to men that do this are often bewildered by why and how this happens.
Speaking as a man, and one who considers himself sensitive and emotionally available, there are particular situations and scenarios that cause me to withdraw. And I imagine that other men, regardless of how in-tune they are with their emotional nature, would respond in similar ways.

Just because a man withdraws does not mean he is withdrawing from you.

First, I just wanted to express that when a man seeks solace or withdraws from a conversation, it probably has nothing to do with the beloved. It has more to do with the emotional intensity and confusion around emotions than with any particular person. It just takes men more time to integrate and understand the watery realm of emotions. And understanding emotions isn’t something that happens for us spontaneously in the midst of a heated discussion.

We need space and time to figure out what is happening, both within our own self and with our beloved.

Men have been discouraged from feeling emotional. We have been mocked, attacked, and belittled when showing emotions. Big boys don’t cry, toughen up, and bite the bullet are all phrases men grow up with. So when we are faced with emotional situations, we are total novices.







The biggest harm that is not recognized or appreciated for the depth of damage that it causes at the emotional level to a man is that men are expected to be tough, to protect, and kill to defend their family. Violence, and the expectation of violence, mandates an absence of emotional sensitivity.

It is a double standard to expect a man to be emotionally available and to have him be able to harm another human being.

Have compassion and understand the kind of conundrum that a man faces when being emotional vulnerable and awakening to deeper sensitivities. It is rare enough to find a man who wants to delve within and unleash his inner passion. It doesn’t mean that he is going to be masterful at it. For men to be comfortable in their own skin and accept their feeling nature takes a growth curve.

A woman has a lifetime of experience navigating the oceanic tides of emotional states.

Women grow up with emotional states and are accepted as sensitive, feeling beings. She is able to observe, feel, recognize and better communicate her feelings than a man. Women are also adept at observing and recognizing the emotional states in other people. And when a woman finds a man who loves her, at some level, she feels a great deal of hope because she has found an emotional match, somebody who understands those hidden tides and influences.

Women will share all their heart and feelings, and not understand how this can impact a man. And when a man doesn’t respond as she needs, the feelings of being hurt or misunderstood arise. How those feelings are expressed matter a great deal.

The best men want an intimate connection with women, and often don’t know how to do that.

Men don’t fall short in the emotional realm because we are emotionally immature. We are emotionally inexperienced. Men face expectations and pressure about emotions that are confusing and contradictory. And when we find a woman who loves us and we love in return, it brings to life a living fire that had been suppressed for a lifetime. Yet fires burn, and the burgeoning sensitivities is akin to a child learning to walk. We fall down, we make blunders, and we are blind as to how to listen and communicate our emotions.

Men experience a learning curve when awakening to their deepest sensitivities.

And just as any beginner, they make mistakes. Sometimes the mistakes are colossal, and sometimes laughable. Men need an emotional example, how to be live with and operate with emotions in a healthy way. We also need to be accepted as we are, beginners with beautiful intention. To demand for a man to have the mastery over their emotions is an outrageous expectation. For most men, mastery over emotions means suppressing them, hiding feelings behind a mask of stoicism, or just turning off the emotions entirely. It takes time to even identify the subtle emotions, let alone to know how they function and their influence on our own self and those around us.

Any teacher knows that mocking a beginner or putting them down, criticizing them or their approach, will stunt the learning curve, if not completely stopping it.

The beloved woman becomes that guide into the mysterious realms of feeling emotions. When she expresses anger, puts down her man, belittles or mocks him, a man feels attacked. When she demands him to be sensitive, a man feels not good enough.

And when a man faces a womans wrath he will respond in the ways he has been taught to feel emotions since early childhood ; with anger. Anger is one of the few emotions accepted in men because it is a necessary emotion to be a soldier-killer. Anger is a natural defensive response for men. And once we become angry with our beloved, there is a host of problems that arise afterwards. Guilt, shame, inadequacy, failure, and fear. These siblings to anger are inevitable when fury shows its face, especially when we know that our loved one has been hurt as a result of our anger.

The words spoken in anger harm the recipient and the speaker.

It takes time for a man to feel comfortable feeling emotions. After all, such a man is challenging the tenets and pressure of an entire society and its deeply ingrained training.

A man’s natural response when hurt or confused is to withdraw. Almost everybody knows about the masculine need to retreat to the cave. And whether this is physical space, or mental space, or even silence, the cave is an essential healing tool for the manly mind. The cave allows integration of the experience, introspection to see what is happening within, and understanding to know how to better respond in the future.

Women set the example and emotional tone that allows their partner to feel safe.

When a man faces a woman who is emotionally stable, it allows him to understand his own emotions. The depth of understanding that the woman has with herself and her own emotional nature will give him the security to express and unveil his own strengths. The woman who is emotionally secure brings a presence of emotional security to the relationship. A well meaning man will appreciate this and do his best, and grow faster and reveal the depths of his spirit with increasing strength and confidence.

Granted, the ideal is that a man can figure out his emotional state and come into his own emotional maturity through his own self-generated willpower. Yet the reality is that teachers, guides and mentors accelerate this process and help a person navigate the confusing and mysterious realms of emotions. There are a great many pitfalls and bewildering mirages when it comes to the shifting sands of sensitivities. And as man learns his emotional state, he is also facing the additional challenges from his friends, family, and world that challenges that awakening at every step.
The woman who is insecure with her own emotions will see a man who withdraws as a threat and denigrate him and go on the attack. This is the antithesis of supportive behavior.

She may not realize that he is a man who is brave beyond measure to face his own soul and bare his spirit with vulnerable trust. When a man doesn’t respond as she needs and demands at the emotional level, lashing out will only cause harm. Gentle understanding and compassionate acceptance brings healing and deepens the relationship. One of the best qualities women have is the ability to nurture.
Nurturing is not aggressive. And with a man, directing aggression at him will generate an aggressive response. He will either fight or run. The flight or fight response is deeply ingrained into every human being. In essence, attacking a man who is opening his heart will trigger a survival level instinct. Once that survival level power fully awakens in relationship, the dynamics in the relationship changes and may never come back to equilibrium.

Nurturing is not forceful, instead it is accepting and allows for a natural growth curve. Be patient.

Just as a tree takes time to come into its fullness and blossom, a man who is learning to embrace his deeper truths will need time to fully ripen into his potential.

Appreciate the men who take the time to stand up against society to discover, feel, live and unleash their sensitive side. It takes a lion’s heart full of courage to face down societal expectations and programmed beliefs. Give him gratitude, honor his spirit, thank him for being available with his sensitivity in ANY way that he is able.

Such a person is one of a kind, a warrior in the truest meaning of the word.

stardust in some form or other

One can never truly make Spirit a commodity of the few or chosen ones. The minute we do that, we have truly created a false God for ourselves.

How can one compartmentalise something as grand as the multidimensional soul, which even the most ascetic amongst us still struggle to understand?

Every soul will experience all aspects of life so differently.

The same event is experienced by each of us in our unique cells and neurons as uniquely ours.
Someone told me today that her experience has been that almost everyone she loved had left her or she had to leave them. I smiled and refused my ego the satisfaction of adding any opinions.

If you wish to be awakened and enlightened by age such and such, you're going to lose a lot of stuff along the way. You will need to accept that at some point you will be stripped of your identity entirely.

You WILL lose yourself.

And gain more in its place.

Right now, there are people who are activating some really old stuff inside of me that has remained dormant. I cry, I cancel plans, my body aches, I feel the cords releasing, my vision is going funny, I am talking a lot of what I consider to be redundant rubbish.

We surrender each time to this confusion, this confused, majnoon state.

Because the Creator requires us to Burn in His fires of devastation in order to purify.

Fire always purifies, as does water, earth, sun and moon.

 There will come a time when we all will give up our artifices and really understand that to make Spirit a commodity is doing our own souls a great injustice, as is submitting ourselves to lives and experiences that no longer reflect the grandeur of our Beingness.

We must stop repeating the saints or teachers of old, what they said to us three years ago, or 600 years ago.

The truth is the same, yet it needs your own experience to validate it.
Anything else is false until proven true.

Not all of us shut down entirely when challenged. I do.
Not all of us forget the truths and the love when reminded. I do.
Not all of us repeat the same mistakes over and over until we feel like used up and ground husks of rye. I do.

Yet - all of us have such a grand honour of entire annihilation.

Well, in due time, we all will. There is a time, a lock that is ready to be picked.

Nothing ever occurs before the exact destined time.

Nothing.

As Hussain said, even your next morsel of food is destined before birth, so why concern and fret over what is assuredly yours? What is not yours, no matter how you force it - whether is be a relationship, an enlightenment, a better word, a drop of drinking water when your well is dry - not destined, may never happen.

Continuous surrender and continuous reminders of What We Truly Are.

We all are stardust in some form or other
mingled with the grains of this earth
in order to transmute and make
alchemy into gold.

Step back, and command yourself to step forward now as the star beings that you are.

The time is always now. Always. Please, we need you to wake up. We truly do. We have waited ever so long for us to purify as the first wave, so we could somewhat guide the second wave.

Come over to the Light and Love side.... we have special cookies

- Sukaina Juma
3/11/2016

Forgiveness Is Almost Complete

No matter how many people's worlds fall apart in front of your eyes
And no matter how many people tell you they are afraid
Always know they are being helped
And take a few steps back, pause, ask if you are needed.

If you are still plugging holes in your own void, there is no way in hell your energy will help them.
Your words will fall flat and it will seem that both of you wasted a lot of time.

But even when you make those mistakes that harm your soul, if somehow your care and love relieved their burden for a few minutes. then it was God's appointment. There was no one else at the time, so you were chosen.

But always give them their burdens back. Or give the burdens to God.

Do not carry with them into your heart, so that you lose your sleep.
Most of us know this by now, there is just one person this is an instruction to...
The best instruction is that done in silence and in remembrance of the dust that is the humble vessel of the magnificent Soul....
There are lessons in speaking our truths - for each and every one of us.
There are lessons in forgetting the truths we once knew - for each of us.

For me, this avatar known as Sukaina, I have to make peace with learning and understanding in my core that I died when I was 18 and was not given a manual to activate. At 33, I still do not have that manual due to my state being similar for the last ten years.

We die every night. We must intend to die every night. For if we don't, we carry the residue of our meagre selves with us. We remember things we were better off forgetting.
We maintain attachments out of fear and lack of understanding.
There is great freedom in dying to ourselves every night, every day, every breath....
We were not created nor were we incarnated to remain imprisoned.

Not in this era.

It is so difficult and yet, when you die with every breath, you surrender that part of you that has obscured Your Light from You.

Your eyes see better, your breast doesn't have the urge to hold convictions and defend them to the death.

Other people's happy endings mean more to you than your own. When another's successes are as satisfying to you as your own, you know you have succeeded a little more in dissolving.

You look at the state of your own existence, to every single obstacle and failing and say, "Praise be to the Creator Who has ensured that I face such obstacles."
 
You die. You do die. It is just a matter of when and how.

There are parts that continue to fight.
There are parts that are still feeling the void.
Within everything, there is such a sweet lesson that it breaks my heart and tears fall upon the cheeks in silence.

So much ugliness and beauty. So much separation and connection.

One day I feel as though all odds are against me
Another day, people are being catalysed once again beyond my intentions.
There truly is only power when the divine is allowed to take over.
And when there is stuckness, that has to be accepted as another form of spiritual training.
At some point, balance will be maintained forever.


But the soul must be allowed to express itself, within the sacred boundaries. To refuse any soul their expression is to deny them their grace. Even when it is something you would rather not hear.
Walk away, bow your head - the words will miss you.

For only the souls who are still in separation are aware of it. If you feel that the sacred soul in front of you is somehow in need of poking and prodding, make sure you double check the soul contract first.

For none of us are truly free from the mistakes of correcting another. It is such an old pattern that the helpers within us carry.

Sight is granted organically, hearing is too.

We can only share our own experiences, all of which can never truly be experienced by anyone other than us. Just ask for light and for relief. It is granted. It is always granted.

Even when you asked for a challenging life.

Nothing is static and all existences are now.
Tap into the ease and the self love and empowerment.
The body, the mind, the money issues will all heal.

You may need to allow your heart to grieve again, though. That was a divine bond that was interfered with and then ruthlessly cut away.
 

Forgiveness is almost complete, but not entirely.

- Sukaina Juma
1/11/2016

I dwell within the Silence...

"I am the voice speaking softly.
I exist from the first.
I dwell within the Silence,
Within the immeasurable Silence.
I descended from the midst of the Underworld
And I shone down upon the darkness.
It is I who poured forth the Water.
I am the One hidden within Radiant Waters…
I am the image of the Invisible Spirit.
I am the Womb that gives shape to the All.
By giving birth to the Light that shines in splendor."

Gnostic Text, Trimorphic Protennia

During Our Difficult Times

'O Soul of mine
You have been born free
Yet you incarnated onto a planet
Enslaved
And you therefore have taken upon you
many faces and roles that you assumed
You needed in order to survive on this
Somewhat hostile planet

Every time you feel you may have found a friend
They fail you. It is just a mirror.
For you must have failed yourself or another as well.
They are your most Beloved teachers
Showing you all the ways in which you express yourself
And are still unaware of it.

Every time you feel you may have created peace
The opposite also occurs.

Every time to speak up for the truth, whether it be yours
Or someone else's
You are sometimes silenced
As much by the positivity of your fellow lightworkers
As you are by the darkness of those who fear the Light.
The more you seek to speak that truth that you hid for aeons
The more others wish to shut it down with their own truths.
This is something we must accept.

You haven't even stepped up to your true life's calling and feel slighted.
Your skin needs to be thickened even more
Your soul must be purified even more, so that all the past mishaps are no longer repeated.

Was the auspiciousness of this era on Earth
Worth all the crap?
To the point it leaves you so bereft of energy and life
You can't even think of an eloquent synonym for crap?'

For many, this year has been a relief of the years of crazy energetics pounding this earth of ours. For me, it has been a sliver of light after many years of darkness. And yet, this year has also shown me how much is predestined.

Matt Kahn says as much, that what if everything is predestined and the free will is how you respond to things? I agree with that point. It makes life feel less constrictive.

In the last month, I have set intentions and cleared my energy. I have gone to energy healings and did my best to maintain connections with people I felt understood me. I was working temporarily in an enrolments office and did my best to set intentions of service and healing.

And today, I've realised that I've made many errors at work that have very real repercussions on people's lives, as well as a monetary and reputational cost for the organisation. I have been humiliated and verbally abused on the telephone. The connections I've attempted to maintain just haven't worked out. My body was in pain from the commute and my personal life became non-existent.

You just accept that this is how it is.

During our difficult times, little can make sense. There has always been a fine line between my acceptance of life being the crapfest is sometimes is and resignation that it will always be this same crapfest.

I have noticed that my spiritual awakening is very erratic.

I constantly fall back asleep, and then I experience life from a very constrained lens, and the people in my life behave extremely bizarrely. In this year of 2016, I have had to stay in a workplace that was killing my confidence and my soul, then remain unemployed and humiliated for a long period of time. I felt intense anger and pain at the betrayal of a so-called spiritual teacher who has, as  lot of them may have done, taken bits and pieces from the font of wisdom and sold it to others for great profit.

Even now, I am writing this but I have had to let go of the identification of being this amazing writer. The only publisher I felt might be willing to publish me has also gone on another path and not even responded to my last messages. I am sure this is leading me to a more suitable life experience for  me, if I but only knew.

I have finished a one month internship position as an administrator at SOAS; it too has left my nerves in shock. I never realised that my presence is enough to make people's content come up. No matter how many intentions, shields, blue light, angels I call upon, never seems to work in the densest parts of central London.

And now I sit here, in a library that ought to be quiet save for a beautiful soul who has been throwing books, papers and plastic bags around for the last 30 minutes, and I write this.

I am having cold-like symptoms which have lowered my productivity, I have woken up from dreams about all the mistakes I unintentionally made at work, I ruminate over the videos of bloodshed and crying children in Yemen, Lebanon, Syria, etc. I look at videos of the state of water in areas where fracking is doing great business.

I also observe the comments I receive on my Facebook updates expressing my frustration about Starbucks and how people I thought were clued in still give them money. I've been told to let live.

It makes me smile inside, that wise, old part of me when I experience these things.

For years, I never was allowed to speak because I feared my wrath, the intense nature of my anger. There is a lot in the world I do not agree with and, at that time, I would just let rip and attack everyone verbally for being "wrong" and "evil".

Now I am aware of my own darkness and my own looming shadows and frequently attempt to jump timelines and reset who I am because it is not fair on me to remain in that old hologram when everyone else gives themselves freedom to change and morph.

Yet, the ones I wish to impact, the ones I wish would see me for my light and loving nature and purity, they have filters that block it from them. They are stingy in their acknowledgement. They tell me things that are new to them, yet I perhaps have already experienced. All this teaches me is to remain humble and never underestimate another person's experiences. no matter how they behave with you, I need to remain in a high state of mind instead of wishing to do the Scorpio Moon thing and lash out.

In all seriousness, if I find the response to this post is harmful to me, and I feel I have to edit this piece I have written and published, I actually will. I might pull the entire article if need be. If my energy still attracts critics and people who never contemplate or allow someone to just express themselves without the need for feedback, so be it.

I am so very tired of pretending to be less spiritual than I am, less connected that I wish to be, less aware and awake than I am. I am so tired of following what the content marketing course told me to be. Blog consistently: once a week at least, and then stick to that regime. That is the way you keep your followers and build traction online.

What about caveats for spiritual dark nights of the soul, major karmic and ego cleansing and a regression into profound depression?

Where is the inclusivity in that?

Did Keats or James Joyce or T.S. Eliot ever have a reliable writing schedule? Perhaps. But I do not!

Sometimes people write for the immense pleasure of writing. Of expression.

We aren't here to sell you gold and glamour of this earthly plane.
We aren't here to make millions through nonsensical stocks and online marketing schemes.

We came here in purity, in service. This earth isn't even our real home.

We came here to awaken ourselves first (because we thought it would be fun) ...and then you all were meant to awaken in our stead - the critical mass, the ripple effect.

Some of us aren't as successful as we had hoped we would be. I am hardly as successful. My words are still furiously misinterpreted and I either attract opinions from religiously programmed souls who wish to impress upon me I am a woman and must cover myself, whilst quoting Hafez and Rumi in the same breath.

Or I have people telling me how crappy my karma is, how my personal objections to how Starbucks and M&S promote the violence and injustice to the world are judgemental and how I really I ought to live and let live.

All I can do is laugh softly to myself. Sardonically, I will admit, but I am as much shadow as I am light.

You can't win, can you?

Maybe I've come to the point I just can't expend any more energy caring about what other people think or say.

All I care about is seeing children covered in blood and crying (or not crying) as their cities and lives and buildings are destroyed by maniacs who rule countries for power and greed. This should NEVER be allowed to continue, YET IT CONTINUES.

I don't care if this too is the balancing out of karma. I know what happened in this area during the holy sacred month of Muharram and the day of Ashura and the aftermath. It is the descendants paying the price.

Still. It needs to stop. Karma can always be balanced in a way that is full of grace and mercy.

These "leaders" have no remorse or humility in their eyes. And yet we still allow them in the positions whereby they make decisions that affect our drinking water, our air, our food, our very sovereignty?

All I care about is knowing the truth about vaccines: do they contain implants and control mechanisms or not? A simple yes or no will suffice.

All I care about is people understand fluoride IS A POISON, non-fluoride toothpaste and reverse osmosis tap machines aren't produced on a whim and that chem trails are REAL. That we actually look up into the sky and realise this about chem trails... and then DO something about it.

All I want is some very wealthy good people to buy out Monsanto and Facebook and Microsoft so their crap can STOP. How is wanting real healthy nutritious food revolutionary or a conspiracy theory?

I have been fully deprived of knowledge of the nether realms, possibly because I get so upset I would explode it or something. I have spent years sharing what little of the truth I know with others who just will not care nor listen.

And now, even when I have quieted down and learnt that I am my own counsel, I still sometimes make the oft-repeated mistake of venting my grief on Facebook. On my own Facebook wall. And even then, there is this inherent need amongst the purest and lightest of us to comment on the rants. All I asked was the opportunity to let me just express myself and my ramblings.

---

It would seem that the energies are intense and we all are going through our difficult times.

Compassion is most needed now, as is true divine love for all the parts of me and all the days I have messed up, I have lost my temper, I have lost my mind, I have expressed my deep intense truth. For all the days my efforts were cruelly unreceived, my love was rejected, and sometimes people intentionally deceived me.

---

I do not write to collect followers or fans. I do not write to inspire or heal, as someone I recently met wants to make her mark as a spiritual teacher and was asking me for advice. I was not in the position to advise this person, she is the one who has mentors and a good life full of abundance. Her life is working. When your life is working, it is best to refrain from asking counsel of someone whose life ISN'T working. The writing will come if it is meant to. I only began writing after that sweet soul broke my ego and my heart in to many pieces in December 2010.

I write solely for me, to make sense of this messy life of mine.

I have been given a gift but it is a flawed gift. The more I use it, express myself in the rawness and holiness and depravity that is All That Is, the less appealing it is for others.

Most of my insight from five years ago has also been lost somehow. Most things in this world still do not make sense to my system. I still wish to quit everything and retreat to North India and spend a year in contemplation and meditation with the Dalai Lama. Or somewhere similar with the same ethos of devotion to the Creator in reverent and sincere prayer and meditation and clearing.

I still do not know how to create money, so that I may live in ease and joy on this planet, and not secretly hope somehow a handsome, wealthy soulmate will fall in love with me and solve all my financial problems, so I could take the courses I need to take to elevate my spiritual power.

And so one of my closest friends who has immense inner and spiritual potential and power, is still working at the supermarket I finally left. It is as though all his ambition left his soul when he was halfway through his undergraduate at Kingston University. I have been struggling for two years to ignite his fire again so he can find his way back into his true destiny, to no avail. He is my mirror, and I mirror him.

And so we both remain as we are, until something inside of us shifts forever.
---

We learn when we learn. It is all pre-destined.

---

I write because it gives me relief, the big gaping wound in my soul needs solace and, where it once used to find solace in daydreaming, sleep, cutting my wrists with a sharp blade or starvation, my sometimes tormented soul now finds some relief in expressing the pain through the gift of expression.

---

During our difficult times, I feel it is best we remain silent when we witness another falling apart or falling back into a previous version of themselves.

Who on earth are we to guide or give counsel? It may be a past life being healed, or some other aspect that is playing out, all predestined.

Anyway, if we really cared, we'd actually pick up the phone and telephone that person. If we aren't motivated to do that, and remain in comfort behind a computer or smartphone screen, then I'd venture to suggest that it is best to remain silent.

It has become too easy for us all to administer sermons via social media and typing words onto a keyboard. Distortions are everywhere, and I am not only referring to individuals. The internet has innate power and all our communications are pubic or government property.

Such a farce of a democracy and free society we live in, it pains my mind.

---

I know that I am going through another intense period of falling apart and everything I have attempted to build is once more collapsing.

Why?  I know why.

This time, I'll observe it. It is not in my control. Whether there were spiritual contracts or karmic locks or multiple and conflicting agendas, all I know is that my soul is being burned and purified.

It is much needed and I now prefer it to my ignorance and giving other people ill-placed advice.

The advice I have given in the past was then transmuted in taking away my identity multiple times, struggling to keep food on the table and live a reasonably worthy life.

---

Some people are meant to be forerunners, to argue, advocate, be full of energy and vitality. To actively stop the violence, degradation, disharmony and bloodshed and lies. To travel all the dimensions and be in full service of their Lord.

---

I incarnated this time to fall apart until I am One with the Beloved. In the most mundane sense and within the most uplifted realities.

He doesn't care how long it takes or how many hits my 3D life and personality takes.

Who knew that a lonely and solitary journey could stop tasting so bitter and have a sweetness around the edges?

---

May the Divine love and tenderness envelope our hearts, throats, eyes and ears so that all this conflict begins to dissolve.

- Sukaina Juma
12/10/2016
Day of Ashura and Yom Kippur

dew to the mangled heart

dew to the mangled heart

We none of us have the answers
Which are wrapped up in vulnerable layers
Of pain and remembrance
In each individual soul.

Sometimes, we bless ourselves with
A chance meeting in a crystal shop
Or stable, surrounded by beauty and
Angels, dropping pearls of wisdom into
One's ever grateful heart
(that's not a euphemism for answering
The call of nature, by the way).

We get a wink and a nudge,
Maybe a block of homemade fudge
And are wrapped up warm and
Sent on our way.

I don't have a desire to see ghosts,
Spirits, entities
The lovers and friends from the past
Do enough of their entrancing dance
Inside of my head and soul
Until I whimper for God's grace
To clot my bleeding heart.

We show each other our own light
Uniquely similar
We reflect their lights to them,
Some receive, others balk and
Dishonour the contracts.

When you drop your treasured green
Shamanic pi-stone and it divides
Into four equal pieces
And your personality has matured
So you let it go...

You are most likely ready to let go of
The ghosties and ghoulies invading your space.
It's time to go, fellas.
Every single one of you.

"Come, come.
Even though you have broken
Your vow a thousand times,
Still come."

Those words of a humble poet
Bring back the dew to the mangled heart
Of a Beloved.
One whose heart, mind and soul
Still lack the tranquility she craves.



Yet it is easily bestowed upon others.

~ Sukaina Juma
25.09.2015

It's Not Him I Lost - It's Me I Lost When He Left

I never thought it would take me this long to get over the man whom I count as my first love.

The interesting fact about human beings is that we can be highly intelligent and even intellectually superior on so many levels about our personal lives. We try to use our rational logic as much as we can in order to survive in this world. After all, this is all I've been taught in the western educational and training system. Of course, I am now waking up to the fact that we are now making way for emotional andspiritual intelligence. We are recognising that our empathy and our creativity will probably allow us to survive somehow the catastrophic events that we are witnessing daily.

Yet, when it comes to the most soul baring, identity stripping experiences, where does the logic even decide to come in? It arrives and stands besides you, as you agonise and ooze out all sorts of illogical emotions and cuss at the object of your desire when he rejects you.

Yes, I never met the guy in the flesh. So what? I never thought this would happen, falling in love with typed words and photographs on a computer screen. I don't plan on writing an entire novel about it. It's a non-event.

"You fell in love with someone you never met. Ahhhhhh, yes."

I met him online in August 2010 and it only seems that now after writing him two final emails in the last few weeks and my receiving two back (it is a huge reality check for me as to how fundamentally he has changed inside of himself in the last year to be that quick and civil in responding to me). I have real closure. Trouble is, I still never find the inner courage to open up his emails as soon as I see them in my inbox. They always shimmer with his light, his love and his energy and it makes me weep. I still need to build up courage to open them up a few days later.

Once, I remember, it took me two weeks before I somehow was in a neutral space to read his message to me.

I get images flashing through my mind about all the fun he is having with his partner. They travel the world, you see. Business class, you see. Cycling in the lavender fields of Marseilles and snorkeling in the clear turquoise seas somewhere nameless in the world. I HAD asked him where the photos were taken, but he was being his usual secretive self and never answered me that. So I'm guessing the Bahamas or Dominican Republic. The ocean was so clear that his dark, silky hair had made a soft crown all around his head.

My heart softens whenever I think of him and then the grief pours out in tears. For six entire years I have cried over my loss: over what I see as a stolen opportunity, as my never been given a chance to show my light and love in a relationship with someone I actually connected with so deeply.

The tears never seem to want to dry up. Neutrality and even indifference I have prayed for, yet this gullible, softening heart just cannot seem to understand those different opposite states of being.

What really hit my ego, identity or pride was what he wrote in his final email to me last week, "I never thought I would find someone perfect for me, until I met my Mrs."

It really pained me, and I started getting the thoughts back in my head about how ridiculous I was being and about how I was never good enough. To him, he was just stating the facts. For me, it seemed to say a lot about me and my flaws than it did about him and his life.

After a week, I am slightly more settled in my being. Only slightly. I still am weeping massive tears during adho mukha svasana (downward dog pose) in my yoga. To the point, the mat becomes slippery because it's so wet.

What I have never, ever understood is HOW on EARTH did I fall for someone so hard and deeply, when even I was fully aware we were not at all compatible? He is handsome and has very beautiful, expressive dark brown eyes, but so do a lot of men! His lifestyle is what I label as active, rushed, swanky and luxurious. He wears tuxedos to formal events and when I saw that photo of him at a wedding, something inside of me shuddered. It spoke of conformity and I have been doing my best to break free of that level of artifice in my own self.

I am more of a hippie, constantly seeking inner and thereafter outer freedom. So I eat simply and mostly vegetarian food sitting on the floor. I am constantly seeking my purpose and a way to make my own mark upon the world. I love to travel, we do have that in common. I'd be happy in a Buddhist temple meditating and learning or on a yoga retreat on a delicous beach, he would be trekking or touring somewhere. I also have had certain health issues that have limited my activities and ambitions for the last few years.

He never understood that, and wasn't prepared to take it on as part of his day to day life. I entirely agreed with that, but I never realised it would take me 6 years to recover and even then, not entirely.

Memories we keep in a box

And I asked myself today, "Really, Sukaina, you knew then as you know now that you guys would never be able to be together as partners. All the intense emotions, the complete blankness and inner excavation of your heart and gut that overtook you from 2010 to 2013 - yes, they all happened. He was oblivious to all of it, and had gotten married to his girlfriend by then.

So what is the real issue here? Why are you still crying over a phantom?"

I had even hit myself on the head with a blunt object until I bled when I found out he had gotten married and never even thought it would be kind to let me know when he had proposed to her. So that this stubborn and ignorant heart would stop loving him and praying for him to come back to me, to give me a chance to at least speak to him and meet him.

But what we must always hold clear is that this human existence is one that can be extremely trying to us and very confusing. What people do in one frame of mind is possibly their only recourse at the time.

We must let people go to the extremes of what is considered appropriate behaviour at times. Even and especially ourselves, as judgement doesn't suit the expansion and growth of the soul. So what was needed at the time for my growth as a person is no longer required.

At the time, to me he was the perfect person for me. I had never met anyone like him, with whom I could have a proper intelligent conversation. When we spoke, the air sizzled. My heart would beat very quickly, to the point it would physically hurt and cause breathlessness.


But that was then, in 2014. If we put aside the fact that I am yet to find someone with whom I had such a close connection with and if we put aside my current living circumstances that seem to close down on my desire to experience life as I'd like to, what is really going on here?

Why do I feel so lost, as though a part of me will never be replaced unless he is in my life somehow, in any limited capacity?

And softly, my heart responded.

"You miss yourself, not him. You lost yourself when you met him."

Mosaic of my psyche

I cannot argue with that. I just cannot.

I remember clearly that after he wrote me a few abrupt texts and decided I wasn't worth any more investment of time and energy, that version of me began dying a slow painful death.

Time slowed down and my mental functions slowed down as well. My body began hurting. I couldn't sleep at night. I kept weeping and scenes of my being run over by cars played in my mind constantly, especially when I was walking down the street. I stopped reading the books I had been reading and I stopped drawing mandalas. I still haven't drawn a mandala in six years, whereas before meeting him I drew them very frequently to help me calm my manic mind and the anxieties.

Courtesy Emmanuel Dagher

The person I was when I first met him and interacted with him is not the person I am now. She was naive and gullible as hell, and very sweet and childish. Extremely introverted, she lived her entire life through her imagination, books and film. She had complicated emotional issues as well and was still very disassociated from her entire body and being.

She didn't know how to interact with a man in a romantic capacity, since he was the first person to ever show serious interest and she had had a very sheltered upbringing. She was so shy, she told him to wait for a month before they spoke on the phone. And when they spoke, she had become so angry at him because he wasn't replying to her texts as frequently as she would have liked that he hung up on her after five minutes.

The words wouldn't formulate in her mouth. She felt intimidated and scared by him as a result of the intensity of the attraction. It was an effort to pretend to be a regular human being in front of him, when her entire body and mind had fallen in upon themselves.

It was around the time she met him that her dark night of the soul began, and everything fell apart. I mean, everything. No interests, no life goals, little sleep, little confidence, and the two things she prided herself on: her intelligence and her writing, they all dwindled into nothingness.

She stopped writing, the words wouldn't formulate... and she stopped making sense.

She cried a lot, and sought solace in New Age spirituality. She went to healing workshops which focussed on clearing past life contracts and relationships and learned that 80% of the energy, beliefs and thoughts in her energy field and pores were not even hers. She learned about epigenetic research, spiritual cords and how when you are obsessed by someone, it is because of the unhealthy cording in your solar plexus and that the cording is hooked into a core belief that needs healing.

She became even more of an alien to herself.

Her parents couldn't make sense of the new version of her she was becoming and attacked through their words and actions. He friends stayed as long as they could until something about her heaviness put them off so much, they left as well.

The funny thing is, she could see all of this as clear as day. And just couldn't shift it.

Black dog, Winston Churchill used to call it. I called mine Barney, so as to make him ridiculous. I couldn't laugh at it much. Still can't, to be honest.

That was then. She survived the cold, empty, loud nights by buying a battery operated Alan Titchmarsh second hand radio from a local knick knack shop and listening to the inane conversations on Absolute Radio. The crazy radio presenters really saved her life some nights. They would say something so obscure and ridiculous that she would chuckle into her tear soaked pillow and then be able to sleep.

She would look in the mirror as she forced herself to brush her teeth and just didn't know who was looking back at her.

Was it him?

Was it her?

His voice reverberated in her head, the phrases, the fonts, the laughter... there had been one good conversation. A few very fun and loving online conversations on social media.
 
His eyes blazed into hers when she closed them at night and she felt her heart sinking and leaking all over again.

She began overeating and developed a sugar addiction that only recently was diagnosed.

On the bright side, she came across dozens of very creative and healing sad Bollywood and Pakistani Coke Studio songs such as Chayi Hai Tanhai, Paimana Bideh and Neun La Leya to reflect the pain and disintegration of her being. More recently, the first Alan Walker song, Faded and Umer Farooq's haunting Keh Na were discovered and soothed her aching soul.

This was all then.

"So, my question again, Sukaina, is why are the tears leaking now, just as forcefully and passionately as they did then? 

Have the wounds not yet healed? 
Did you re-attach a negative cord back to him out of habit? 
Do you have toxic, nuclear levels of karma that just won't be cleared through your prayers and acts of service?

What is it? God, why does the pain not stop? He is just a MAN!

You know he is not a twin flame. We changed the fabric of the universe and entered a parallel universe whereby he is a soul like all the others you have no link with, to the point you will become indifferent to him. Forget him entirely.

We entered a universe whereby you are back on form with all the advocacy and changes you are to bring to people's lives, in the form that is best for everyone involved. Maybe kids, maybe refugees, and all to do with mental health and consciousness and clearing obstacles to expression. Definitely to do with art, music, writing and creativity to a level you've never experienced before.

So, what's up? Why the tears and the devastation in the heart? Why recreate the exact same feelings and regrets you had six years ago? You have all the pink, green and black crystals you possibly could to heal the heart and clear the cords! You even have the flower remedies to ensure you never repeat the same mistakes! You even became a bona fide SHAMAN to ensure you could walk your own sacred feminine path to God, and let go of the attachments to this world.

You prayed for relief at the sacred tomb of Jelaluddin Rumi in Konya, Turkey. And in the Valley of Kings in Luxor, Egypt. (Okay, well I prayed in the swanky hotel I was staying at the spiritual retreat at - we did past clearings then - well, so we said!)

Surely your ego isn't still so massive that you would even entertain the thought that he loved you at some point? Or that you guys had a chance and were somehow sabotaged? Or that him being with the woman of his dreams is somehow an insult to you, since you have had less than ideal experiences with men since him?"

The answer is always so simple.

We have the layers of karmic explanations, and the karmic debt 16/7 explanations and the Atlantis and Lemuria explanations... and then there is the practical explanation.


I lost myself when he left. Not BECAUSE he left.

I had lost perhaps 50% of myself before I had met him, then lost another 30% after meeting him and him leaving.... and my connection with my Creator became fragmented.

It still is, which is why he has such an impact upon me. When you make an intimate connection with a person or circumstance that interferes with your God connection, drama ensues.

I still don't read any fiction, which I used to devour with a passion. I don't read any of the New Age books either, unless it is really important, such as looking for an affirmation. I'm reading Matt Kahn's new book Whatever Arises, Love That: A Love Revolution That Begins With You because I have to write the review of it for this blog and another online magazine, but it's taking me an absurdly long time. I just can't focus too much.

I used to play tennis at university, and stopped since then and even though I have the opportunity to play here, I don't. I go to a few musical and healing or spiritual meditation events here and there, but nothing major. I have stopped running as well!

My flame keeps petering out.... I can't really persuade myself to become passionate about anything in my personal life. In my career and professional life, I have a clearer idea about what I wish to do. I am passionate about helping people, through writing and other means. To enhance lives. To bring about peace and joy and forward progress.

My yoga practice is my mainstay, and even that I have had to cajole myself into keeping up the classes because I know how it is benefiting me on all levels.I also know what happens when I stop going for classes: the cycle repeats itself.

That is basically it.

I do not miss him any longer, there is nothing to miss. We miss memories, we regret actions - and we are in the now. After six years, even someone as nostalgic and romantic as I am has come to terms with the real world.

Maybe I was under some sort of spell I wove expertly for myself. My soul always knew that I had to encounter many illusions and that the pain in their removal will bring about my refreshed and humbled soul.

It is just the realisation that, after reclaiming all my energy back from him, I am still somewhat adrift. I still don't feel whole, that fragments of my soul and self are somewhere other than inside of me. I still don't have any real plans, any real goals, any real interests that I used to have once, or that other people have.

And it has finally dawned on me that it had nothing to do with him, after all! It really could just have been anyone. The soul lessons are learned through any person fit for the role. It's never really personal in the end.

And so my soul cries and the tears drop onto the blue yoga mat during downward dog for the years wasted in illusions so thick and strong, they felt so very real to me.

I was expecting some sort of happy ending, in the form of friendship at the very least. Instead, he makes a lame joke about us being together next lifetime, and the headache he would experience in having two wives. When I read that, I knew that he was doing his best to be kind and friendly. Yet, there was no depth of connection and no flower of acknowledgement.

I did not appreciate his sense of humour. Two wives. Yes, quite an idea, just what I had been hinting at. Not!Almost as funny as his assumption I had intended to move to Turkey for reasons more insidious than to teach TEFL.

Connection, empathy and acknowledgement: those are the things I have to make available to myself from myself.

I am getting there.

Shamanic tools for healing

There is a theory in shamanic circles that we make ourselves go through trauma, then heal it but not entirely, as within the little scar lays the core of our supreme healing powers. I prefer that perspective to the one I have been telling myself: you're weird and emotionally naive.

I pray the empathy that I have realised through this experience will emanate to everyone who is also dealing with their trauma and wounds. As of now, it hasn't quite been the case as I am the one in need of my own understanding.

I became a character in a Jane Austen novel. The most poorly written one, with social media, emotional health issues, silence, passive aggression and ghosting taking centre stage.

What now?
Who am I without this obsession that took over six years of my life?
How do I redeem myself?

I am who I am. And I most certainly am where I am.

Judgements may flow all though my veins about where I ought to be, and yet, perhaps every single part of this roller-coaster video game is pre-planned before incarnation. My free will lays in my response.

And a response of absolute devotion and gratitude to the divine is needed.

And the response seems to always be love and forgiveness, for self and others.

My ability to be authentic about my weaknesses and flaws and mistakes is a good way to break through my self-made obstacles, in a way. One cannot be a writer if one cannot be willing to expose themselves through the words on the page.

For me, it mainly is to do with feeling all emotions as equally valid, and giving myself the love I have avoided giving to myself for years.

You see, God is waiting for me to call Him my Beloved.

In the end, God has been the Patient One (as-Sabur), waiting in the wings for me to accept and acknowledge the love between the exalted Creator and His wonderful creation.

The mystics and dervishes don't go mad for no reason, they have tasted the sublimity of Divine love and nothing else can compare after that.

Be noble, for you are made of stardust...

Come, come, again,
Whoever you are, Come!
Heathen, Fire worshipper or idolatrous,
Come! Come even
If you have broken
Your penitence a hundred times,
Ours is the portal of hope
Come as you are...
Ours is not a caravan of despair

Mevlana Jelaluddin Rumi

Let us hope for that for Sukaina. I feel she has taken powerful steps towards the esteemed honour of becoming entirely annihilated and thereafter to be solely in the world and definitely not of it.

In society, but not meant to be like anyone else. In pure service to His creation.

It has been a while since I went to a temple, synagogue or church to devote to the silence. I suppose my soul would like that sort of ritual again.