ALVIDAA, to all of the programming that made me what I am NOT.
This week has been a transformational week. I was asked by my Soul (or my programming) to go out and experience the Shia Islamic life I feel so much pain in having to give up.
I met a person who shone so bright and spoke of inclusion and helping the community, yet he was adamant that Islam, the Prophets and the Imams would never let someone with a different sexuality or gender preference pray salaatul jamaat (communal prayers).
So I asked him, "so you're saying that I can't pray in jama'at because I am bisexual?" I was incredulous that people still think of God like that.
That they don't see God is always inviting us.
That we don't all necessarily label and box ourselves into tags of sexuality or religion or ethnicity first and foremost.
A lot of people have politicised themselves via their sexuality. Not all of us do that. Some of us have a different karma / dharma. We have MUCH bigger fish to fry.
As I said frankly to some tharki Pakistani guy in my DMs who kept wanting to speak of his sexual fantasies and pornography to a complete stranger, the obsession with sex that you are commenting on, I find that to be the lowest common denominator for connection.
I am not frigid (not any longer) but what I mean is that the Soul came into human form - we are on a mission to understand WHY and HOW to navigate. The amount of distractions in place on the planet in 2019 is astounding.
I've stopped reading, preferring to watch something on Netflix instead.
Some of us (most of us) have gone through a **** awakening, and are still doing it today, in order to activate 12 strands of DNA and clear the ****. All of it. Grandmother, grandfather, advertising, news media, ignorance, pineal calcification, the whole lot!
I said in my heart, then that kind of faith which he is proposing, is not what God really is aiming for. I refuse to accept that patriarchal, false paradigm.
What kind of God do you wish for?
I spoke of acceptance, he said tolerance.
He and my cousin were quoting Islamic scholar after another and all it did was scrub my soul like sandpaper.
My cousin is the type who will just go to books and scholars, his path is with Islamic learning and mine is definitely not, and I have now accepted it fully.
The Universe is all inclusive. We can't speak for saints we don't have the ability to connect with intuitively. I have tried, and failed (due to pineal calcification and density overload in my system de to more distractions in life).
Then I went to an Arbaeen lecture on Friday night at Mahfil e Ali in Harrow, as I thought it was the lesser strenuous option. I wanted to honour the saints and their sacrifices. No matter what, Islamic esoterics are available and have weight because of the struggle. It's always been a struggle between darkness and awakening.
Shaykh Arif Abdulhussein lectured, and his voice has a very healing quality to it. It softened the burrs that had formed inside of my heart for people. Just being around them.
He spoke of people naturally turning away from eating animals when they sense how barbaric it is. He made a few sarcastic remarks about Khoja community. I could sense his frustration that after 9 years, people still don't get it in the Khoja community, the Shia community, unless they have gone on their own mystical journey and have bene graced by Allah with the gift of TRUE realisations.
Or have read 40 Rules of Love by Elif Shafak.
I was, however, reminded of how he doesn't meet my needs, although he helped me to wake up when I was 22 years old. He is still has the intention of converting people from the lecture point of view.
I suppose, if he did the same as my cousin Amin, and spoke of the ethereal realms, he'd lose his audience.
The people there were the same, it was the same as being at Hujjat or Hyderi (which is not what I anticipated). I almost had a panic attack and had to leave ASAP.
I had gone to mourn on the one day of the year I wanted to mourn. I didn't do Ashura this year because I was rebelling against the programming that kicked inside of me. It was so heavy, and felt energetically like a crown of thorns.
People go to these gatherings like a habit, they talk and laugh, and eat. The woman sitting next to me began filing her nails halfway through the lecture. Frankly, I was shocked.
There were no Arabic or Farsi latmiyyah and no incense was burned for cleansing of the space.
Everything is exactly the same from my place of origin.
Perhaps I am at fault as well. I've been going through so much darkness that I'm nowhere NEAR establishing a new sacred space, a multi-functional sacred centre which fulfils my needs and therefore those of other starseed mystics.
Well, we learn through experience. Next year, I pray to be in Najaf and Kerbala and do my devotion and meditation there, as those are the only places I find true peace. The force is strong there.
On other evenings, I went to the IHRC in Preston Road and was blown away by spoken word poems by Suhaiymah Khan and the documentary The Uprising by Pravini Baboeram.
Yet, being in an Islamic environment, when people have not healed their internal **** and are externalising everything, makes it hard. No matter what I do crystals wise, protection wise, I know I was absorbing and healing some of the stuff.
I start talking rubbish and feel clogged up, heavy and nauseated. Couldn't breathe well either. There still are some wounds related to how I have been neglected by people in this community that I need to heal with Emotion Code.
So, I know I must say alvidaa (farewell) to this community of origin.
I am aware that when I am ready, I will begin the Sufi path with the correct teachers and companions for the journey.
But now, Life is burning away the past. I was thinking of my ex and the last time we spoke to each other in May 2017 and, again, falling back to that which is comfortable and also restrictive.
We are better served to view ourselves as multi-dimensional souls. This is NOT the only incarnation, and a lot is hidden because we haven't been able to detox ourselves of the superficial and the illusions.
Not all of us are going to succeed. It requires a loss of identity, money, people, family, comfort almost every few months now.
For example, I had to give up a regular, paying living wage job that was killing my spirit in order to finally be able to write this piece, two months later
Just as there is no finality in revelation, there is also no deadline for awakening and enlightenment.
All I know is that, for now, I just continue this path of Shamanism and connect with esoteric Sufi Islam.
My love for the Prophets and Imams will remain and hopefully grow. The phenomenon of Arbaeen fascinates me.
Billions of souls are drawn to going to Iraq for ten days to pay their respects to a saint.
Yet, I can't go during Arbaeen due to the crowds and panic attacks.
However, I deeply feel the mystery and the love. The belonging. To Imam Ali first and then Imam Hussain and Hadhrat Abbas.
The latmiyyah of Ali Fani, Bassim Al Karbalaei and others go straight through the cells. The LOVE is truly THERE. Solid. Apparent.
Maybe, as someone I once knew told me, these are the same energies in other cultures, just different names. Such as Quan Yin, Krishna, Shekinah, etc.
But this is ABSOLUMENT the last year I do this. This is the last year I pretend to be member of an old paradigm, whereby people are compartmentalized and no one has tried to clear their own stuff.
I tried that and Allah made sure I lost everything. I just don't fit in, no matter how much I try. This is the real hypocrisy. Life is too precious to continue living lies.
I don't fit, I don't belong, it feels heavy being around this for too long. I have to whip off the headscarf as soon as I can, and control the anger and frustration that gets triggered within (it's healed a lot over the last 12 years).
It always has to be inside first. There's a lot to clean up. Then the timelines shift without us forcing them.
Just accept I'm a shaman healer and starseed and move on. The younger generation have no qualms about self acceptance. I am not that old, yet inside me I feel old and outdated!
I just had to express this aloud today. It has been in my heart all week and now has a beautiful release. I am reborn. I am me. A soul. Always connected to God.
My God is bigger than that. Bigger than all the lies and illusions that we have allowed ourselves to play around in.
We each have very unique journeys and incarnations. Just embrace your heart, heal it, remove the debris and then KNOW who YOU are in your WHOLENESS.
Always remember: we are LIGHT that came into darkness just to unravel and become LIGHT all over again.
It sounds very trite, but I am finding this to be my truth...
With deep respect and honour 🕉️♥️
