We begin writing with the pronoun "we". It is a long journey to integrating and being absorbed by Him, so that I becomes We. But if we start with that intention, then at least He knows of it.
Someone wise told me God knows how long ago: We are born alone, and we die alone. We face our Creator alone. So why then do you feel the earthly life wouldn't be interspersed with great bouts of aloneness, as well as loneliness?"
I am in deep healing, after spending a huge chunk of 2018 distracted and seduced by my ego, the blindness, and this world.
It is only after I spent time during the family wedding, and I went to the fancy reception, and ate the best red velevet cake, and was surrounded by silks, jewels, and women wearing tonnes of make up, suits, ties, shiny shoes, arrogant business people, and men who didn't know the first thing about how to be respectful to a woman walking or talking - it didn't hit me then, but only when I was back "home", in my own bed, and safe and comfortable with my own thoughts, books, little things that remind me of who I am.
An uncarpeted floor. It's been uncarpeted for a year and a half now due my own dysfunction.
And it is with these draw-backs, that we can find the nugget of humility, the groundedness that is required in order to gain a little more proximity to our Lord.
It has been a long while since I have felt the urge to write, and even though I have the urge, and there is light within me and around me, there's still not a lot to be said at this time.
My heart opens and shuts at will.
I fumble a lot.
I have created such a difficult learning ground, a city called London is where I currently reside.
A lot of falsity has been exposed within me and without. And I let go of everything fake within and without.
Whereas before, being alone would be an immense dark cavern inside of my heart, I have had another shamanic healing exactly a month ago, after Eid prayers (which I missed), and it filled me up with more light.
Now, I feel whole from within - not entirely, but enough to know that my own solitude is comfortable and even desired.
For soon, I will be absorbed and I will KNOW the sacred divine intimately.
He only comes when we are open
humble
and alone
P.S. I finally came across new music that would be sacred and would heal my personality. Isam B's energy is so lovely and divinely guided. He also reminds me of my cousin, a very similar energy. I'm in love with Isam's voice. It's very powerful, feminine, yet grounding and masculine - all in one.
At least, that's the best I can describe it for now.
I was devastated when I recently discovered that Outlandish disbanded an entire year ago. I had to grieve, especially since I never allowed myself to attend any of their live concerts. And now, they are as blessed as solo artists as they were together.
There is a lot that has occurred, and will occur.
I trust that the correct words will fall upon these pages in the correct manner, in the right time.
May our Creator free each of us from suffering, and align us with His will and with our Souls.
