it still hurts like anything...

All of this is making me choose differently than before.

It still hurts like anything, but I don't let it stick for as long. I can't. Life is way too short for all the bs to remain in our auric fields. Clear and cleanse it out. The people who are our closest blood family, are clear tests and are only blood family in this lifetime. We have incarnated so many times with different souls, that to remain attached to the opinion or behaviours of those just in this lifetime can seem a little silly sometimes.


Koi baat nahi...
Let it go...

And maybe we will find peace and wholeness within.


It's never personal. The Universe can be as impersonal as anything, whilst also claiming to love us more than 70 mothers. A cheeky question would be: what is the caliber of those mothers? Were we the unwanted children? The unwanted females or males? The one with special needs?


And there are those who have submitted themselves so much to their purity of soul, to the divineness of God, that the healing flows through their veins and they just tell me, you will feel better in 30 minutes. And I didn't even ask you for help, yet you give it to me so willingly, it makes me weep with this peculiar feeling of love, intimacy, gratitude and awe.


Your eyes are so familiar to me, as is your soul. Yet, why do i still not mimic your generosity, your power, your strength?


I still sit here, on the trampled earth, fumbling about with broken earthen toys, discarded and abused.
The angels hold up such pure crystals of such healing and power, yet I still do not see them.
Undoubtedly, this is a confusing time. All of the times have been confusing.


Your life. Your beingness. Your friends. All are different than before.


When you are no longer liked, it doesn't mean you are no longer worthy. It just means that, things changed.


Sometimes the mirror is accurate, sometimes the mirror is not accurate and with that is God's whisper to trust yourself and know that even when others only see your darkness, you can focus on the light.
We go through a lot to prove ourselves to be who we think we are. People call us up on things and then do exactly the same thing 6 months later.

And , we do it too...


That purity that I crave
Is a rarity that I desire
Is a cavity I seek to fill
Is a sadness that engulfs and overtakes
Is a confusion that cripples
Is a life that is eager to end itself
And start anew
Simple and clear
Without any mistakes
That became chains upon my neck
And lead inside my heart


Blessed are those who Love because they Love and know that existence was based upon Love.
Blessed are those going through the Darkness and the fatigue and the flu and the entire demolition of the ego constructs.
Old souls also need it. Because they forget as well as us younger souls.
We all are love and we all are doing the best we can each day.


Each day is different.


The knots in the stomach will go. They cannot stay. The doubts will go, the fear will evaporate. The people you feared would go, have left again.

You are alone.

What do you do now? Where do you create from nothing?

I listened to a song after a very long time today. It is a magical song. Kun fayakun. Be, and it is.




I have lost all the good bits about myself, along with the nasty bits. Some of the nasty bits are still there.

But the joyous girl who sticks her tongue out impishly has disappeared. It is alright. But the sceptre that took her place is heavy.

May the light fall upon you all the time, even when you don't notice it. May you bring your light out of you and create more light as a result. May your helpers find you swiftly. May you see from the lens of the other when in communion with them. May you finish all of your tasks with excellence. May you travel to where your soul finds healing and love and support and joy. may you live there, as well.

May this life business become easier. Make more sense. For us all.

before I lose myself almost entirely... again

Abundance is seeking the beggars and the poor,
just as beauty seeks a mirror.
Beggars, then, are the mirrors of God's abundance,
and they that are with God are
united with Absolute Abundance.
Mathnawi 1, 2745 - 2750

Someone says "I can't help feeding my family.
I have to work so hard to earn a living.
He can do without God, but not without food;
he can do without Religion,
but not without idols.
Where is one who will say,
"If I eat bread without the awareness of God,
I will choke."

Mathnawi 2, 3071-79

Tentacles over the heart

3 January 2013 · 

"Things will get better tomorrow. They always do..."

I'm taking you on your word, buddy. More importantly, I will have completely let go of the self sabotage, patterns and stories tonight. I cannot afford to have 2010 regurgitating into 2013.

If I've changed, why do I continue to do the things that don't work?

Answer: FEAR.


****

Trinity Esoterics

9 hrs · 

Dear Ones, there are multiple timelines that hold a multitude of experiences that you can access at any given time. If you have a deep longing or yearning for an experience, there is always a corresponding timeline that holds that experience. The fact that you have a desire lets you know that the potential exists.

You shift onto timelines through your focus, intention, surrender, and flow. This is why you cannot create what you want through negative focus or fear. Your energetic engagement with what was unwanted would keep you firmly planted on the timeline that holds that energy.

Your soul knows exactly how to move onto the timeline that will lead you into what you intend to experience. Your intention is like setting your internal GPS and your surrender and flow with faith and trust allows your energy to move into the energetic stream that takes you to your next greatest experience. It is that simple.

The beauty of all of this is that it is all available to you, you simply need to choose. And if you choose something that it turns out you do not care for, you can choose again, endlessly moving and flowing into the matches that best reflect your preferences and your next highest expression of self. It all exists for you if you can simply decide to allow your heart to lead the way into the realm of endless potential. ~Archangel Gabriel through Shelley Young

****

3 January 2018

He has been in my memory off and on for the last month. In the depths of my despair, when I can't sleep at night due to fear and a big empty hole in my heart, I call his higher self to have mercy on me and fill my heart with the love I know is there for me.

I was tidying up and came across an old journal from 2010 that I really ought to burn up. I had written about the time he had fallen for another girl - she was yet another woman, not the woman who was his girlfriend at the time - but his mum wouldn't let him marry her. That really hurt him and he felt the same as I felt that he didn't want to be with me. He talked about tentacles upon his heart and that  he would never forget that pain.

I read that and I swear, all that most ugly pain and death like heaviness that I had felt between 2010 - 2016 came back all in one go in that moment. I felt I was going to DIE a painful death. I cried a huge amount after that. A friend told me it's not about him, it's another core issue about rejection and abandonment and that all stems from childhood as well as other experiences I am sure.

After all this time, my parents both behave as though I am not really their daughter. They just do not have the capacity to show me the love they don't feel for themselves and never got.

He just reminds me of how many times I have failed in human relationships and in missing the simplicity of having a sincere friend.

This single mattress of mine feels very, very empty these days.

I don't want him back, I want someone who appreciates me and truly loves me and has basic respect for people. Just for the sake of their being people. For that man would be better than I am. He would not judge others harshly.

But I don't allow myself to be with anyone. The hurts are too deep, the self judgements are there. I am not proud of what my current life looks like. I have gained an immense amount of weight especially over the last 5 years. Replacing my nonexistent sex life with food, replacing lack of love with food. Sugar. Chocolate. Anything, really.

When I went on the underground last Saturday to attend my cousin's wedding, there was a beautiful bearded Muslim guy on the Met line. Arab or Pakistani or something, fair skin. But that day was really bad for me since my week at work had been so rubbish. I was just making sure I could feel my toes and focusing on being in my body. I didn't have time for anybody, although I was attracted to him.

I can sometimes tell when someone is interested in me sexually. There is a special heat that begins to emanate from them into my field. If they are staring at me, it makes me feel uncomfortable and then I don't wish to engage. I mean, I don't know if I am prejudging everyone or if my intuition is becoming very refined, but I know none of them are Sufi and awakened to the level that would be right for me.

You can't pick people up on public transportation. That's not the Sufi way! That's not a gentile way either.

Now my health is revolting, and so is my body.

I feel small and ashamed at being so overweight, as I know how long it takes to slim down, and that too only when you exercise regularly and have a happy balance.

Along with the EFT and hypnosis, I will have to begin fasting to cut on the calories I take in.
I still haven't done it, fasting is very difficult for me to do. Even when it's "khuda ke liye".

I finished watching one of Mahira Kahn's Pakistani films Mann Ho Jaahaan. I wonder had I somehow remained her friend, would her higher frequency rub off on me. Probably not. She's becoming a really good actress now. And the fact she made her Shahrukh Khan fantasy happen, with a  really GOOD movie as well, just shows how much of her power is within her field.

I wonder what is this twin flame torture.

At the minute, we both don't want to have anything to do with the other.

And yet, today, and yesterday when I look out the window, tired at the fact I'm in a dead-end job, pushing paper and data rather than dancing or creating something that would expand my intellect and my soul, I think of him as a means to distract me, as a means to comfort me.

I see his dark brown eyes.

I hear his voice.

I read an article about how the twin flame's higher self can help you to find a suitable life partner who would be similar to the twin, but NOT the twin if it wasn't meant to be.

So, guess what I did? I asked and I ask his higher self to help me out help me clear the blocks to meeting a kind soulmate who could stand to be with me. He would have to be stronger than even my spiritual cousin, who isn't strong enough to handle my energy and my personality. Or willing. You can be strong enough, but have no desire to. I always forget that aspect.

Anyway, I'm going through the darkness of the souls again. There's so much darkness, it leaks out like oil upon the ocean. Killing all sea life.

It's due to not remembering how it is to be joyful. And being dead inside and heavy.

But the moment others remember their light, it will get easier for me.

Rather than my being the first person to shift the paradigm, I know that wasn't quite accurate. I allow others to do it, and I'll walk through their tracks, because it's easier that way.

And that's why I no longer have a twin flame. It wasn't the right role for me. I'm not that advanced.

I still need to learn how to be happy for others, how to make my life work.

I spent 8 days at home, weak and unable to do anything for myself except sleep and push myself to do laundry.

Powerful people do not do this. And those close to God definitely do not do this.

They also don't resent other people their happiness. And they don't continually give others their power, which I do with a regularity that truly frightens me because it exposes my weaknesses and frailties.

They do help people in other countries, such as Iraq, Syria, Turkey.

So, there is a lot to reflect upon.