You were the one who left Yourself

"You were the one who left Yourself
You were the one who hurt You
You were the one who held a grudge against yourself the whole time
You were the one running from You.
This is the spiritual truth of the twin flame connection.
This is the perfect imperfection of the twin flame relationship."
- Cassady Cayne

http://www.twinflames1111.com/blog/twin-flame-essentials/mastering-twin-flame-journey/ 



I like to believe this is true, because it gives a different perspective on the run of the mill drama and trauma.

Relationships can be so difficult. Relating to people can be difficult.

Today, I felt like an alien whilst commuting on the rail replacement service from Morden to Stockwell.

I'm still thinking of him with the fondness I felt at the beginning, when we were BOTH into each other. Some of the resentment has washed away since last weekend, because I burned a stick that represented all the crap in my life I wanted to burn away for good.

Let's hope the decorated, shiny stick (which was also burnt) brings in much goodness.

But, in all honesty, I still miss him. I still pray that we will one day become functional friends, even if we can't become partners. Like grown up friends. Or else, it would be so miraculous for me to ask God if I can ask to transfer my affection and deep longing and connection with him for some other soul more willing to be a more conscious, courageous and authentic man.

I read another article, one that actually explained a lot about my own situation.

https://gangstagoddesses.com/twin-flame-is-in-a-romantic-relationship-with-someone-else-is-it-over/

Most twin flames haven't even had sex with one another, because the bond is firstly on a soul fabric level, that high intensity of love isn't found in the sacral it is found in our pores, in the crown and in the heart.

It is pure, without all the facades we created in our human lives.

It takes a LOT of soul growth and HEALING for BOTH twins before they can sustain the sexual energy, and in my case, it didn't happen even though I felt so much love and sexual desire for him. I was too afraid to meet him. Now I know why.

What is interesting and something I now can admit without any ego, is that he recognised me first. He saw me first, recognised me and came to me first. I recognised him after two weeks, or a month or so. And then I remained steadfast in that recognition, whereas he swerved and found another to bring him the peace and love, the recognition (and sanity) that he desired.

And now, all I face is silence from him, and from my cousin, and from my former colleague.

Yet my mind is still loud and raucous with their voices, and with their words.

I pray we each of us heal from this really debilitating and disempowering disease of nostalgia and pining away for the past.

See, even as I write this and express the truth of my current emotional state, my left lower back is in pain in recognition of this disempowerment that needs healing.

If I am invisible and rejected when I no longer serve a purpose in these mens' lives, so be it.

I am still worthy as a creation of God. If they can't recognise my worth, it is because they are focussed on their own lives and their own wives, and that's okay.

I don't have those distractions in my own life.

There is a reason for that. It is easier to self correct, to grow and to purify when you are alone, when your needs are yet to be met.

When ones needs are met, the human being becomes slightly lazy and less dedicated in their quest for divine experiences.

Plus they are uncovering the core, bare bones of my rejection and abandonment wounds, and when I am strong enough, I shall place them in shamanic stones, paint them and own these wounds to help others, in my mesa cloth.

On a funnier note, I have been tempted every single time I had contacted him (or when he slipped up in May 207 and contacted me) to send him this image below, but I knew he wouldn't take it as lightheartedly as I wanted him to. It cracks me up that Muslims can be so hilarious. I wish I could make friends with them, but that's showing another wound relating to my inability to make or maintain friendships due to alien reasons :p

your wings drop off

When you have indulged a lust, your wing drops off;
you become lame, abandoned by a fantasy.
People fancy they are enjoying themselves,
but they are really tearing out their wings for the sake of an illusion.

- Jalaluddin Rumi

it is in dying that we are born

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
― St. Francis of Assisi

Stepping onto the Shamanic Medicine Wheel

These are the late night random musings that refuse to make any sense... so I allow them to occur as they do.

"So only just over a week to go! 

I wanted to, once again, remind you that this is the time that you'll really start to feel Serpent coming in. Keep in mind that she's already been checking you out since you committed to the wheel and knows exactly what needs to be worked on. She will dive as deep inside as she can, causing triggers in you. The result of the trigger is not important, it's the emotion that was triggered you need to look at. It's not about the story, it's about what it reflects back at you. What is it telling you about you?
Be aware that people and situations from your past will reappear in your life, even those you believed you had dealt with. Try to see if it is a pattern you have repeated throughout your life, and how it connects with the wounds you allocated to your stones.

Start to make your world smaller, focus primarily on yourself from this point onwards. Those of you in relationships should have a chat with partners just to make them aware. Start to give yourself the advice you normally give to others when they need help. In fact stop giving advice to people unless it is in a professional capacity. Serpents are quite solitary and you will need to be a bit like her. All that matters is you and what is happening right in front of you. Start to look at the world as a serpent. Use different senses to make sense of the world around you. Remember that snakes have poor eyesight, but can read the landscape with their tongue. Aho!" 


*****


Oh my soul, how weary do you feel? Last month, you felt great, you were in Turkey, in the sea, the sun kissed your hair and you could feel your toes connect with the earth. You spoke to the people in their own language, and were free to greet them and touch your heart in solidarity.


And now, you re-hash all the old, ancient gripes and complaints about being human, in a human life.


You know you were created for much more than you currently understand.

Just move on from the human form, shed it like the skin that needs to be shed. 

******

I am currently all over the place. I am currently dissolving. It is a good thing, but very unsightly at times. Uncomfortable. It has taken so long for me to write again. All is as it needs to be.

There is a part of me that is active, an ancient crone like avatar, who is finally gaining in strength. How does that translate into my daily life and behaviours? I swear less, I don't feel an impulsive need to become all fiery and angry every time someone disappoints me. Yet, it comes forth at certain times. 

Because she understands, in the end, this all is nothing. This earth, as precious as it is in so many ways, it is just another facade, another planet, one of many she has inhabited. She connects with those other realms in her dream time, or when she listens to music from  that dimension. For example, Moby.

https://soundcloud.com/moby/sets/long-ambients1-calm-sleep

Why do I love to travel? Because it takes you out of yourself. You literally are not grounded and once you ground, you have to grapple with things not being as they were a few hours ago.

The air smells different, your footsteps fall upon the sands in a different octave.

I had to walk all over the grass to take this photo :p

The energetic cords that tied you to people and places, all the really important things that were haunting your thoughts and dreams, they all just get severed. They do not matter, because they are no longer here and now.


Here and now are the bright twinkling lights of different towns you pass on a smooth motorway that puts those of the UK into question. You wake up to cows and goats bleating, and you wake up to a curt, yet true call to prayer.


The most sonorous adhaan I have found were in Najaf and in Kerbala.


You can pick grapes straight of the grape vine, and place them in your mouth. You swallow the seeds, and don't care if someone is watching! 

You finally swim in the sea, and realise that it's not called swimming if you can't really swim! Also, you learn that salt water up your nose isn't much fun, neither does it taste so great in your mouth.  

The fates and circumstances of people who aren't really your people - suddenly become so precious to you, you pray for them that there is a massive influx of tourists.

You see an elderly limping gentleman selling simit, and pray that someone buys it at the pazaar.

You realise you are free, and don't have to live in a country you thought would be best for you. 

There are other reasons I love to travel. These are the ones that spring to mind.

I was on a high for four days afterwards. Then I kind of lost that high. I am sure there are ways to sustain the energy longer.

So looks like I'll be re-hashing all the wounds that I didn't heal, when I thought I had healed them.

What an honour to be able to do so, to even be aware what this means. And it would be a blessing if it just feels like a third party experiencing it.

First person dramas are no longer needed in my life, and it is okay to be firm about that.

If I don't make it through the rigour of the medicine wheel, South this weekend (har har), please always remember me like this: filled with light, joy, trust, and love. Remember there were days whereby I had dignity, and the Turkish guys at the bus depot helped me with my suitcase.

This is my true core essence, even when me and most of the people on this planet can't see it yet.

It is who everyone is, even though most days I can't see it. 

A real photographer would call this a highly exposed photograph. There is a reason why that person is a photographer and not a poet :p

One final note I'd like to make: seven years ago, I assumed my life would never be the same, and I would fly after having healed a lot of gunk. Seven years on, I am in almost exactly the same place I was. Except now my room is a becoming banana yellow colour. So I wake up every morning inside a banana.

So when people say your life will change and never be the same, I am open, and at the same time I am aware that my journey has a very unique and meandering look to it.

I still have to forego experiences in order to cleanse. 

I still have to remain inside my house in order to feel like myself.

I still grieve the people and things I lost in the fire.

May we all heal our wounds and find clarity and truth as to why we are truly here on this planet at this time. May we connect with our purpose, instead of wasting more years feeling unfulfilled and underappreciated.

I finally gave up being a light worker and twin flame last month. It isn't worth my time any longer.

But the light is the light, and that is something inherited as a creature of the universe.

It's about bringing together all the scattered parts to make a whole sensible coherent form.

Or, maybe not so much....

The thing I miss the most about life is having people to talk to regularly, ones whom were on the same page as me. 

In the silence, we learn about communication with the one who created us. Stubborn people like me are therefore forced to be in the isolated state. 

Because in the silence, there is healing and there is wisdom and light transmitted.