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| Mevlana museum, Konya |
It has just occurred to me that I've been in the midst of the storm.
Four and a half years ago, my teacher had told me he saw in me in his vision as he healer me, in the Blue Mosque in Istanbul.
It never even occurred to me whilst dashing off to Konya. I simply forgot. And something beyond me - whether it was simply fears, patterns, destiny - all made me stay put in Karatay, Konya the entire time.
Perhaps I received a transmission of pure love energy each day without perhaps realising because I was trying too hard to be pure and pious.
Trying hard for inner peace, for clarity, to become grown up, to be the intrepid explorer but instead my heart melted when seeing the peaceful dogs and the decidedly fat sparrows on the pavement.
My heart wanted to speak to the people and say tessekur ederim (is that even correct?!) all the time.
The Blue Mosque never occurred to me until earlier today. Then I felt a sense of "Oh, crap! I missed it."
But did I? I know parts of my essence were in Konya and are now rightfully returned.
There will be lots said about people, but what I experienced was a feeling of belonging and value that I perhaps haven't felt elsewhere. Not even in Kampala.
People saw me. And when they didn't, they saw at least the physical part of me. And when they didn't... I was alright with it on the inside. One makes the silly mistakes by trying too hard or feeling too tired.
Four and a half years ago, my teacher had told me he saw in me in his vision as he healer me, in the Blue Mosque in Istanbul.
It never even occurred to me whilst dashing off to Konya. I simply forgot. And something beyond me - whether it was simply fears, patterns, destiny - all made me stay put in Karatay, Konya the entire time.
Perhaps I received a transmission of pure love energy each day without perhaps realising because I was trying too hard to be pure and pious.
Trying hard for inner peace, for clarity, to become grown up, to be the intrepid explorer but instead my heart melted when seeing the peaceful dogs and the decidedly fat sparrows on the pavement.
My heart wanted to speak to the people and say tessekur ederim (is that even correct?!) all the time.
The Blue Mosque never occurred to me until earlier today. Then I felt a sense of "Oh, crap! I missed it."
But did I? I know parts of my essence were in Konya and are now rightfully returned.
There will be lots said about people, but what I experienced was a feeling of belonging and value that I perhaps haven't felt elsewhere. Not even in Kampala.
People saw me. And when they didn't, they saw at least the physical part of me. And when they didn't... I was alright with it on the inside. One makes the silly mistakes by trying too hard or feeling too tired.
Or being too blind...
I prayed a lot. I prayed my salaat every noon-time, with mevlana and his students buried before me. Then I realized had I the light within, I could have expanded even more.
Some things are binding and have to be lived through. The disappointment with self is to be matched with the kindness from Self.
Letting things come. We forgot that.
The heart gets mangled and armoured in this confused city I live in. I spent fifteen years of my life visualizing and wanting so desperately to be here. And I finally have realised that this was a foolish child's dream. It was a karmic lock, I ihad to meet certain souls and they would not have travelled to me.
I prayed a lot. I prayed my salaat every noon-time, with mevlana and his students buried before me. Then I realized had I the light within, I could have expanded even more.
Some things are binding and have to be lived through. The disappointment with self is to be matched with the kindness from Self.
Letting things come. We forgot that.
The heart gets mangled and armoured in this confused city I live in. I spent fifteen years of my life visualizing and wanting so desperately to be here. And I finally have realised that this was a foolish child's dream. It was a karmic lock, I ihad to meet certain souls and they would not have travelled to me.
So I had to travel to them.
It isn't London I desire, it is peace, freedom, harmony, functionality.... Abundance in all forms.
I've come back and the solitude doesn't feel so oppressive because the important bits of me are back.
Pain loses its edge.
I found teachers on my path and a desire to really have forward progression. The earthly teachers, of course, have their role in my life. I also deserve celestial assistance in very real forms now.
I prostrated and asked Thee for succor. I've begged for remembering and for forgetting.
Whatever the celestial alignments are, I don't seem to care. We're in Scorpio now, the bane of my life.
Just return to me. It serves neither of Us for me to be under veils or to have such binding beliefs that somehow I missed out on that part of creation that is in unity with Thee.
Perhaps because it used to take years for me to manifest.
Perhaps it is because of the frequency and vastness of loss.
I've been seeking embellishments upon embellishments in a world that encourages it.
In essence,
It isn't London I desire, it is peace, freedom, harmony, functionality.... Abundance in all forms.
I've come back and the solitude doesn't feel so oppressive because the important bits of me are back.
Pain loses its edge.
I found teachers on my path and a desire to really have forward progression. The earthly teachers, of course, have their role in my life. I also deserve celestial assistance in very real forms now.
I prostrated and asked Thee for succor. I've begged for remembering and for forgetting.
Whatever the celestial alignments are, I don't seem to care. We're in Scorpio now, the bane of my life.
Just return to me. It serves neither of Us for me to be under veils or to have such binding beliefs that somehow I missed out on that part of creation that is in unity with Thee.
Perhaps because it used to take years for me to manifest.
Perhaps it is because of the frequency and vastness of loss.
I've been seeking embellishments upon embellishments in a world that encourages it.
In essence,
simplicity is my core.
I relinquish all yearning and seeking and duty at Thy feet.
If something eludes me...
I relinquish all yearning and seeking and duty at Thy feet.
If something eludes me...
I didn't learn the simple truth.
I gave my power away again and that's not helpful.
I allow myself the life I didn't up until now.
It's not even as though it's impossible.
Allow the truth to flow and feminine grace.
Trying too hard with dates and times and alignments and moons
I gave my power away again and that's not helpful.
I allow myself the life I didn't up until now.
It's not even as though it's impossible.
Allow the truth to flow and feminine grace.
Trying too hard with dates and times and alignments and moons
Perhaps diminishes from the majesty of the fact that
I am whole even
when I receive zero validation.
Integration of scattered parts is needed
Integration of scattered parts is needed
as I don't feel inclined to heal others at this time.
I relinquish the need for words.
I relinquish the need for words.
My instruction will be in full silence
and all of time is heavenly.
When I saw Najaf written on the departures screen in Istanbul, my heart bled.
When I saw Najaf written on the departures screen in Istanbul, my heart bled.
But I reassured it when the time is right
and when I'm strong
enough to be around conflict,
I will travel there
for further instruction.
Sukaina Juma
21.10.15
for further instruction.
Sukaina Juma
21.10.15
