Green Canvass Shoes
Waxing moon
Yet I am losing and letting go
May this fragile ego accept how
Everyone who was dear to this heart
Has gone
Traversed the Red Sea
I am drowning in
For five years I have been eating my grief and anger.
His name still fills me with unknown terror
My heart still shakes in the abyss
Her name fills me with rage
Lump in my throat equals
Cords in my stomach
Lies. You ought to have known the lies
By the looks in their eyes
Maybe being purer than most
Means being stupider than most
Illusions of movement and progress
Only to be contrasted by
A dark silent room
Single lit candle
Silently doing the Bands of Power
And hoping it works this time
Because my legs feel like jelly
I felt attacked being outside around people
And another life has ended.
He looked forlorn last week.
Mostly it would be my imagination.
But at least he inspires me for my short story.
Maybe it's him I wrote about five years ago.
He looked like he really wanted to speak.
I wasn't inviting that day.
I have my own insecurities, you know?
It pisses me off I am still so scared and shy
I won't smile
I won't ever say hello
But feel the heartbeat go irregular without any just cause
Save your presence
In your savvy suit and green canvas shoes
(I can't wear canvass shoes any longer
Due to a protruding bone in both of my feet
Yet another paternal gift)
I was having another sucky day.
The married guy was back and I had to pretend I hadn't noticed
he'd been away for a month creating babies.
Correction: hiding the fact he was creating a baby then disappearing when she was due.
Liar.
All Geminis tend to manipulate and hide. All of them.
So I wasn't entertaining lame silent gazes.
I wear a lime green uniform and am contortioned
into a role that is sucking away all my vitality.
I feel ashamed. You can be intelligent as heck, a healer,
educated and mess up so badly,
every day is a struggle to speak and to be your true self.
You're probably another harsh lesson who will leave me
after I've given my essence to you.
So why entertain someone who ignores me?
So he looked on forlornly.
Rumour has it he's engaged to be married.
I sure have ridiculously horrendous timing.
Instead of getting soul retrievals,
it feels more of me is dying
and being siphoned away.
Just like me, doing the opposite!
As a light, we seem to always have to clear, heal, protect...
What a life. What happened to being?
To all of them I hold grudges against,
thank you for helping me.
I don't know how... But the energy shifts.
I don't like it when boys look sad and forlorn, by the way.
It makes me want to scrunch up their hair
and tickle them to cheer them up and make them smile.
I do have kindness.
I'm just still messed up like all of us.
Perfect aura is an illusion
I now admit to having.
I'm having a serious chat in the higher levels.
Enough of the bs.
Thank you.
Sukaina Juma
- 27.07/2015
Waxing moon
Yet I am losing and letting go
May this fragile ego accept how
Everyone who was dear to this heart
Has gone
Traversed the Red Sea
I am drowning in
For five years I have been eating my grief and anger.
His name still fills me with unknown terror
My heart still shakes in the abyss
Her name fills me with rage
Lump in my throat equals
Cords in my stomach
Lies. You ought to have known the lies
By the looks in their eyes
Maybe being purer than most
Means being stupider than most
Illusions of movement and progress
Only to be contrasted by
A dark silent room
Single lit candle
Silently doing the Bands of Power
And hoping it works this time
Because my legs feel like jelly
I felt attacked being outside around people
And another life has ended.
He looked forlorn last week.
Mostly it would be my imagination.
But at least he inspires me for my short story.
Maybe it's him I wrote about five years ago.
He looked like he really wanted to speak.
I wasn't inviting that day.
I have my own insecurities, you know?
It pisses me off I am still so scared and shy
I won't smile
I won't ever say hello
But feel the heartbeat go irregular without any just cause
Save your presence
In your savvy suit and green canvas shoes
(I can't wear canvass shoes any longer
Due to a protruding bone in both of my feet
Yet another paternal gift)
I was having another sucky day.
The married guy was back and I had to pretend I hadn't noticed
he'd been away for a month creating babies.
Correction: hiding the fact he was creating a baby then disappearing when she was due.
Liar.
All Geminis tend to manipulate and hide. All of them.
So I wasn't entertaining lame silent gazes.
I wear a lime green uniform and am contortioned
into a role that is sucking away all my vitality.
I feel ashamed. You can be intelligent as heck, a healer,
educated and mess up so badly,
every day is a struggle to speak and to be your true self.
You're probably another harsh lesson who will leave me
after I've given my essence to you.
So why entertain someone who ignores me?
So he looked on forlornly.
Rumour has it he's engaged to be married.
I sure have ridiculously horrendous timing.
Instead of getting soul retrievals,
it feels more of me is dying
and being siphoned away.
Just like me, doing the opposite!
As a light, we seem to always have to clear, heal, protect...
What a life. What happened to being?
To all of them I hold grudges against,
thank you for helping me.
I don't know how... But the energy shifts.
I don't like it when boys look sad and forlorn, by the way.
It makes me want to scrunch up their hair
and tickle them to cheer them up and make them smile.
I do have kindness.
I'm just still messed up like all of us.
Perfect aura is an illusion
I now admit to having.
I'm having a serious chat in the higher levels.
Enough of the bs.
Thank you.
Sukaina Juma
- 27.07/2015
