It is a flicker, this Light.
It bursts aflame then peters out.
One forgets.
When transforming oneself,
one forgets who can be trusted.
Who is genuine.
Who loves you for who you are.
Regardless, even when you're
being a prime idiot.
I may be a light-worker,
I may be entirely deluded.
Either way, I am still a girl inside,
a breathing human being,
a woman in the making.
A goddess-to-be.
Learning, falling down.
So why would I put so much pressure on myself?
The extra knowledge,
or upcoming awareness.
Anticipation of greatness.
Pffffftttttttt!!!
Greatness comes through humility.
My ego creates mirages of greatness,
Ascension with a capital A.
Tears me away from myself.
Numbness, disillusion
repeating that which has
hounded me my entire life.
Disconnection, isolation, hermitising.
Assuming that my dear friends would
judge me as harshly as I did myself.
And then I finally did pick up the phone
and wondered.... why?
Why would I do this to myself?
You can't wash away all of the past,
nor would you want to.
Walks in the woods by Glendon,
hanging out in the cafeteria,
or praying salaat in the Women's Centre,
on the rare occassions when
we were all there together,
when our schedules all conspired
for us....
we would talk and laugh and talk....
I used to speak sometimes, other times I'd
be silent and observe.
A dead sinking in my heart.
"Why is it so hard to connect?
Why can't I FEEL anything, the way they do?!?!?!
They have passion, where is mine?!?!?!"
"Do you like being alone?" she asks me.
The automated response is YES.
But then, "I think it's mostly habit, a pattern,
and also, I get to be safe
and come across as a "cool" person "
What I forget to say is "of course not!"
But the past has affected my perception:
only child,
parents not too bothered about me,
never really fitting in with the kids at school,
betrayals, jumping off window ledges,
locking oneself up in the cupboard
in the hopes of being safe....
Being invisible is safe;
not moving, speaking or wanting anything
will lessen the burden on the earth and the parents
and the people upon whom she is dependent.
Hide from the giants.
Save oneself from humiliating oneself and making a fool of oneself.
If they got to know
the real me.....
And absorbing other people's
energies and patterns.
Instead of maintaining a high frequency
and lightening their energies, releasing their grief
as is my purpose for being,
I tend to absorb all the confusing stuff,
and become ego-ic and morose and crabby:
their shadowy mirror!!!
After everything, surely I can do just this much.
Since I obviously can't do anything else.
That other people are easily doing.........!!!!
I forget the good bits of me,
I forget that even when I was
only 8% me - it was still a good
8% of me there.
Who does crazy stuff like drink
an iced cappucino from Timmie's
and then dance to the Lumberjack Song
while waiting for a bus,
who walks 1.5 hours in one of the biggest
snowstorms to hit Toronto
that year just because I couldn't stand the
slow bus.
It might have been me.
It might have been an adverse reaction
to St John's Wort.
I pulled through for the MSA that year
when it mattered.
I learned French well enough to speak it when it matters.
I did my best.
And, with everything,
after all of it...
I graduated.
Do I enjoy being alone?
No, not really.
But all my soul sisters,
the ones who have truly been
a manifestation of Divine, pure love,
who have sheltered me when I couldn't go home,
who have held my hand and witnessed my
inarticulate sobs,
who have given me, unasked, what I never
thought I'd be able to ask for...
they live in other countries.
And currently, my new relationships have very short
sell-by dates.
Either I outgrow them and
can not be nourished by them or
they were meant to be as they
unfolded.
Smack, crash, bang.
Give me a piece of identity,
a shadow of a smile,
a bit of kindness,
loving words,
chocolate, ducks and cats in images,
a rollicking good time and hot chocolate in Cafe Nerro
a few astute compliments over magnetism and then....
A question of detachment.
An understanding that although I am indebted,
they gave willingly.
They were authentic in the moment
and are authentic now by not caring or bothering....
What decision does she make this time?
Does she wail "I have been abandoned!"
Does she mistrust men and women more
after these people have left?
Or does she pick up the phone,
call a friend whom she hasn't spoken to in ages.....
remember what oatmeal cookies are
and remember that,
as her postcard says,
Someone loves me very much
in Canada
as they do in Pakistan, and in London too?
She still plays to the illusion that strength comes from being alone;
I can control things then.
I won't inflict myself upon others.
The Medusa or Ice Maiden effect
that makes them all run away...
If they were ever to find out how
soft,
vulnerable,
and the expansive yearning
that is within this Soul-heart of mine...
it would all fall apart!
How can anyone handle such intensity?
Why would they want to bother?
Why would they bother with me?
But people who like being alone,
do not complain to their Lord in the dark night,
tears streaming down their cheeks:
"I complain to Thee about my loneliness!"
I am part of the collective.
As much as I need people with me,
physically as well as energetically....
they, too, must need me,
or even more importantly,
they must crave and enjoy my company.
I have some dharma to serve here.
Therefore...
Only children cope with being alone.
There is no other choice.
It is more a learned helplessness for me.
You try, you fail.... you try, you fail.
Then you resign yourself to your aloneness.
Even if it scrapes your innards from within.
And you seek release.
You'd rather be with anybody rather than alone.
Or would you? I think not.
For the one who has no one, she has God.
He has proven it to her.
She forgets, but He remembers.
She may fall, but always remember the safety net is SECURE.
He is conspiring in your favour, not against you.
Whether you know it or not, even when the surface
illusions are harsh enough to kick you in the head.
Flicker back,
oh youth of mine...
there are redeeming qualities in you yet.
You were you when in the woods,
when receiving hugs from children
at the school,
when saying Merry Christmas to the
lollipop man,
when renting The Snowman and
listening to that mesmerising song.
All of this, may not be
the coolest of recollections from the past,
they are pretty embarrassing -
but they were everything you did
that helped you survive it.
You're here, aren't you?
Do not deny that the flicker augments...
Do not deny that He has given you friends
And some of them live so close
you could only wonder at the benevolence.
People drift in and out of my life.
There are more outgoing than incoming, actually.
As with most areas of my life!
Just be careful that you don't drift
out of your own life....
by disconnecting so much,
for whichever reasons you create for yourself.
This is NOW. Create anew.
You cannot be deprived
of something that is an inherent need.
Does it feel light or heavy, this aloneness?
Why are you playing a part that you feel is the best version of you
rather than the authentic you?
Which feels more comfortable, lighter?
Ripples,
re-runs of old episodes,
a feeling that you've wasted time,
and nothing to show for it.
Not true.
You're spiralling up, and the bottom is different
from the one you were at last year.
Trust and know that all is well.
See the Divine in everything.
Make efforts to get to where you want to go.
Connect.
End of story.
- Sukaina Juma (c)
18/12/2011
It bursts aflame then peters out.
One forgets.
When transforming oneself,
one forgets who can be trusted.
Who is genuine.
Who loves you for who you are.
Regardless, even when you're
being a prime idiot.
I may be a light-worker,
I may be entirely deluded.
Either way, I am still a girl inside,
a breathing human being,
a woman in the making.
A goddess-to-be.
Learning, falling down.
So why would I put so much pressure on myself?
The extra knowledge,
or upcoming awareness.
Anticipation of greatness.
Pffffftttttttt!!!
Greatness comes through humility.
My ego creates mirages of greatness,
Ascension with a capital A.
Tears me away from myself.
Numbness, disillusion
repeating that which has
hounded me my entire life.
Disconnection, isolation, hermitising.
Assuming that my dear friends would
judge me as harshly as I did myself.
And then I finally did pick up the phone
and wondered.... why?
Why would I do this to myself?
You can't wash away all of the past,
nor would you want to.
Walks in the woods by Glendon,
hanging out in the cafeteria,
or praying salaat in the Women's Centre,
on the rare occassions when
we were all there together,
when our schedules all conspired
for us....
we would talk and laugh and talk....
I used to speak sometimes, other times I'd
be silent and observe.
A dead sinking in my heart.
"Why is it so hard to connect?
Why can't I FEEL anything, the way they do?!?!?!
They have passion, where is mine?!?!?!"
"Do you like being alone?" she asks me.
The automated response is YES.
But then, "I think it's mostly habit, a pattern,
and also, I get to be safe
and come across as a "cool" person "
What I forget to say is "of course not!"
But the past has affected my perception:
only child,
parents not too bothered about me,
never really fitting in with the kids at school,
betrayals, jumping off window ledges,
locking oneself up in the cupboard
in the hopes of being safe....
Being invisible is safe;
not moving, speaking or wanting anything
will lessen the burden on the earth and the parents
and the people upon whom she is dependent.
Hide from the giants.
Save oneself from humiliating oneself and making a fool of oneself.
If they got to know
the real me.....
And absorbing other people's
energies and patterns.
Instead of maintaining a high frequency
and lightening their energies, releasing their grief
as is my purpose for being,
I tend to absorb all the confusing stuff,
and become ego-ic and morose and crabby:
their shadowy mirror!!!
After everything, surely I can do just this much.
Since I obviously can't do anything else.
That other people are easily doing.........!!!!
I forget the good bits of me,
I forget that even when I was
only 8% me - it was still a good
8% of me there.
Who does crazy stuff like drink
an iced cappucino from Timmie's
and then dance to the Lumberjack Song
while waiting for a bus,
who walks 1.5 hours in one of the biggest
snowstorms to hit Toronto
that year just because I couldn't stand the
slow bus.
It might have been me.
It might have been an adverse reaction
to St John's Wort.
I pulled through for the MSA that year
when it mattered.
I learned French well enough to speak it when it matters.
I did my best.
And, with everything,
after all of it...
I graduated.
Do I enjoy being alone?
No, not really.
But all my soul sisters,
the ones who have truly been
a manifestation of Divine, pure love,
who have sheltered me when I couldn't go home,
who have held my hand and witnessed my
inarticulate sobs,
who have given me, unasked, what I never
thought I'd be able to ask for...
they live in other countries.
And currently, my new relationships have very short
sell-by dates.
Either I outgrow them and
can not be nourished by them or
they were meant to be as they
unfolded.
Smack, crash, bang.
Give me a piece of identity,
a shadow of a smile,
a bit of kindness,
loving words,
chocolate, ducks and cats in images,
a rollicking good time and hot chocolate in Cafe Nerro
a few astute compliments over magnetism and then....
A question of detachment.
An understanding that although I am indebted,
they gave willingly.
They were authentic in the moment
and are authentic now by not caring or bothering....
What decision does she make this time?
Does she wail "I have been abandoned!"
Does she mistrust men and women more
after these people have left?
Or does she pick up the phone,
call a friend whom she hasn't spoken to in ages.....
remember what oatmeal cookies are
and remember that,
as her postcard says,
Someone loves me very much
in Canada
as they do in Pakistan, and in London too?
She still plays to the illusion that strength comes from being alone;
I can control things then.
I won't inflict myself upon others.
The Medusa or Ice Maiden effect
that makes them all run away...
If they were ever to find out how
soft,
vulnerable,
and the expansive yearning
that is within this Soul-heart of mine...
it would all fall apart!
How can anyone handle such intensity?
Why would they want to bother?
Why would they bother with me?
But people who like being alone,
do not complain to their Lord in the dark night,
tears streaming down their cheeks:
"I complain to Thee about my loneliness!"
I am part of the collective.
As much as I need people with me,
physically as well as energetically....
they, too, must need me,
or even more importantly,
they must crave and enjoy my company.
I have some dharma to serve here.
Therefore...
Only children cope with being alone.
There is no other choice.
It is more a learned helplessness for me.
You try, you fail.... you try, you fail.
Then you resign yourself to your aloneness.
Even if it scrapes your innards from within.
And you seek release.
You'd rather be with anybody rather than alone.
Or would you? I think not.
For the one who has no one, she has God.
He has proven it to her.
She forgets, but He remembers.
She may fall, but always remember the safety net is SECURE.
He is conspiring in your favour, not against you.
Whether you know it or not, even when the surface
illusions are harsh enough to kick you in the head.
Flicker back,
oh youth of mine...
there are redeeming qualities in you yet.
You were you when in the woods,
when receiving hugs from children
at the school,
when saying Merry Christmas to the
lollipop man,
when renting The Snowman and
listening to that mesmerising song.
All of this, may not be
the coolest of recollections from the past,
they are pretty embarrassing -
but they were everything you did
that helped you survive it.
You're here, aren't you?
Do not deny that the flicker augments...
Do not deny that He has given you friends
And some of them live so close
you could only wonder at the benevolence.
People drift in and out of my life.
There are more outgoing than incoming, actually.
As with most areas of my life!
Just be careful that you don't drift
out of your own life....
by disconnecting so much,
for whichever reasons you create for yourself.
This is NOW. Create anew.
You cannot be deprived
of something that is an inherent need.
Does it feel light or heavy, this aloneness?
Why are you playing a part that you feel is the best version of you
rather than the authentic you?
Which feels more comfortable, lighter?
Ripples,
re-runs of old episodes,
a feeling that you've wasted time,
and nothing to show for it.
Not true.
You're spiralling up, and the bottom is different
from the one you were at last year.
Trust and know that all is well.
See the Divine in everything.
Make efforts to get to where you want to go.
Connect.
End of story.
- Sukaina Juma (c)
18/12/2011
